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  1. #111
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jayce View Post
    Yes, it would be; there are more efficient ways to move characters about than larding your prose with a lot of GPS instructions. That said, you have to give the reader a transitional phrase or sentence to prepare him for the shift. How exactly is up to you, the writer. (That's an important function of editing: to read your ms from the eye of a reader who doesn't know what you the writer knows. It's a skill you should develop if it doesn't come naturally.)

    In your piece, your first few paragraphs are set in the convenience store (John is correct in this). Then you have a transitional line, but perhaps it could go a tad further. Here's what you wrote:

    I somehow managed to score the next couple days off, which only meant one thing: cheap vodka and cigars.

    That clearly indicates a jump in time and setting. If you had added something like, "meant one thing: cheap vodka, cigars, and time alone in my room", you would have taken the reader into a different time and place (and satisfied John's pedantic definitions).

    Moving characters around quickly and smoothly (I call it "staging", as in a play) is difficult because it's hard work to make it seem invisible. When you clutter it up (yes, you got it right) with a lot of he walked down the street and opened the door to the building and climbed the steps to his apartment, it becomes intrusive and boring.
    Let's see....we just spent four paragraphs in this MC's mind with no jumping to a different time or place, and you think this sentence, another thought from the MC's mind, is a clear and literal jump in time. And you think this after the tense switches from past to present and back again several times. Somehow, you think that because a character starts thinking about a different time or place, it indicates a literal transition to another physical time or place. Odd I've never seen anyone practice this unusual skill in my life. Perhaps the MC lives in a world where people can mentally teleport themselves to different times and places, but I think not. This piece doesn't strike me as fantasy or science fiction.

    Sorry. At some time, the MC has to physically go to his room, not just think about it. Or, he can think about it and still be in the convenience store or some other location that he physically travels to. One or the other. And it needn't be intrusive. It can be as simple as "I went home after work."
    Last edited by John Oberon; 12-12-2011 at 05:02 AM.



  2. #112
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Kyle, I still vote that you pitch this and start over, or at minimum, revise it heavily. The more I look at it, the worse it gets.

    Take that "overcome with joy" part. Examine the scene for a second. The man is distraught after recently losing his family in what appears to be a painful divorce. He is alone and exiled from his family. Now tell me, in a situation like that where the pain is still fresh, will looking at pictures of his family produce happiness and joy or sadness and grief? I can't imagine anything but mourning over his tremendous loss, can you? His family was a joy, but now it's gone.

    To tell you the truth, I'm having difficulty finding anything that aligns with reality.

  3. #113
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    "To tell you the truth, I'm having difficulty finding anything that aligns with reality."

    Too easy.
    Last edited by leslee; 12-12-2011 at 07:15 AM.

  4. #114
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    I'm having difficulty finding anything that aligns with reality.
    Sorry to hear that, John, but it's healthy to face this issue head-on.

    ---------

    (leslee, I couldn't resist.)

  5. #115
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jena Grace View Post
    No, he doesn't sound at all like our prince.
    I wasn't serious - just the reference to martinis and, of course, the obvious made me think of him. L)
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  6. #116
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    I've simply moved on from this, and will re-focus on it and write it as a script (with a screenwriter) in the early Spring.

  7. #117
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    write it as a script (with a screenwriter)
    Kyle: do you mean screenwriter as in a real live person?... or screenwriter as in a software application?

  8. #118
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jayce View Post
    Kyle: do you mean screenwriter as in a real live person?... or screenwriter as in a software application?
    A real person. Lol.

  9. #119
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    Will you be hiring a screenwriter to work for you?, or will this be two buddies writing a spec script—you doing the story line, your friend adapting it for the screen?

    Whether it's a professional collaboration or if it's you and a friend, do you have (or plan to have) a written agreement spelling out the business details?—whose name (or names) will it be in, what's the ownership percentage, who has creative control? These questions might sound like nits at the moment, but if your script finds a production deal, you'll be glad you worked them out in the beginning.

    Also this: Why the shift from novel to screenplay? Writing a script is wholly different from writing a novel, which—from your posts here—is not yet a fully developed skill. For one thing, you seem to be a subjective writer, leaning toward first person POV, with interior thoughts driving your voice. A screenplay is essentially an objective, third-person POV, dominated by what the camera sees. Can you make that change?

    Just some concerns. Whatever you do, good luck.

  10. #120
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jayce View Post
    Will you be hiring a screenwriter to work for you?, or will this be two buddies writing a spec script—you doing the story line, your friend adapting it for the screen?

    Whether it's a professional collaboration or if it's you and a friend, do you have (or plan to have) a written agreement spelling out the business details?—whose name (or names) will it be in, what's the ownership percentage, who has creative control? These questions might sound like nits at the moment, but if your script finds a production deal, you'll be glad you worked them out in the beginning.

    Also this: Why the shift from novel to screenplay? Writing a script is wholly different from writing a novel, which—from your posts here—is not yet a fully developed skill. For one thing, you seem to be a subjective writer, leaning toward first person POV, with interior thoughts driving your voice. A screenplay is essentially an objective, third-person POV, dominated by what the camera sees. Can you make that change?

    Just some concerns. Whatever you do, good luck.
    I won't know what I'm capable of until I dive into it. I'm a very visual person, which is probably where I get caught up when writing long-form projects. The screenwriter is a college graduate who hasn't really done anything in his field, but has the know how that I need to learn. It's an experimental thing, and at this point I'll be the primary writer and if he feels compelled by the story, he will jump on board as the co-writer (writing half or so).

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