Opening few lines

[Josh Maher]

Before they disintegrate on the wind, before they melt to black, before they sparkle into the sun's glare, I see them for an instant. The eyes, they follow me.

A real life never ending nightmare? Or just another trick of my imagination?



It's only a few lines, but would like feedback. Do these lines make you want to read on?

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

Hi Josh -

I wish I could say this made me want to read more, but it doesn't. The only portion that intrigues me is the simple sentence, "They eyes, they follow me." That alone makes me wonder what's going to happen.

As to the rest:

Before they disintegrate on the wind, before they melt to black, before they sparkle into the sun's glare

It starts with a grouping of three, each one beginning with the same word, and expressing the same basic idea. Personally, I don't enjoy this kind of repetition. And certainly not at the beginning of a chapter. None of the three is particularly interesting on its own, or as part of the trio. Before, before, before. Disintegrate, melt, sparkle. Too similar. They just don't work for me.

A real life never ending nightmare? Or just another trick of my imagination?

It's too early in the chapter for this. I'm not engaged enough to care what the answers may be.

[Josh Maher]

Thanks for the comment Leslee. I've been playing around with the words for a few days now, and I originally had "The eyes, they follow me" first with out the other "before" parts. I wasn't sold on that alone making people want to read on though. The repetition didn't sound perfect either, just trying to figure out what would work and what wouldn't.

[leslee]

I understand, Josh. You keep throwing the words until the right combinations fall into place. We all do it. And it's good that you post here to get another view. We look at our own work so much, we could go blind.

[Jeanne Gassman]

Josh, I agree with leslee. If you start with: "The eyes, they follow me," you immediately establish a voice and a high-level creep factor. In fact, I would build on the voice from that first line rather than the imagery. Keep the POV close-in, very intimate, so that we feel what the character feels, and stay away from the temptation to philosophize about what the eyes are or what they mean. Instead, focus on what the eyes do to the narrator (not literally but their effect).

Questions like this

A real life never ending nightmare? Or just another trick of my imagination?

are too abstract and remove the tension from the scene.

Just my thoughts...

Jeanne

[belle ball]

Before they disintegrate on the wind, before they melt into blackness, they sparkle in the suns' glare.

I see it in an instant like eyes that follow me- in a painting. This never-ending nightmare may be a trick of my imagination. Or is this, a never-ending nightmare?

[Josh Maher]

Question: would your reaction to the words change if it was "The eyes, they followed him" instead of me?

[jayce]

That's determined by the point of view of the story. If it's first person (e.g., I said this, I saw that, they spoke to me, etc.), you use the pronoun me. If it's third person (e.g., He said this, she saw that, they spoke to him, etc.), you use the pronoun him. You select the point of view that works best for the story.

HTH

[Josh Maher]

Yeah I know. The story itself is in third person. I originally planned to have the opening few lines be thoughts but then I realized that was really cliche before it hit me that I should just say "they followed him". It was a DUH moment haha

[Gary Kessler]

Question: would your reaction to the words change if it was "The eyes, they followed him" instead of me?

Yes, I would be far less interested. The separation waters down the personalization, immediacy, and degree of threat of the statement. The impact (for me) is far less than if it's the reader it's happening to (brought into the character's head by the use of first person).