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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Smile Is this query good?

    Dear Mr./ Mrs. Agent/Editor's Last Name

    Someone's fallen in love with her. Someone else wantsd her dead because of it.

    Chloe Van Cleef sees Capriano Delgaurd and instantly feels and otherworldy connection towards him that's both dangerously hypnotic. He seems repulsed by her at first but the more she closer she gets to him, the more she feels like she's known him before. And will Chloe listen to her incarnations warning her to stay away from Capriano before he kils her - again? Beautiful Disaster is a 72,000 word paranormal romance targeted to a growing number of young adults entranced by teenage romance woven into a dark forumla of lust, betrayal, vengence, danger and deadly supernatural secrets.

    Beautiful Disaster has already been published online at Wattpad.com and has been well-recieved by an international audience for its unique twist on the paranormal romance sub-genre, it's heart-melting romance and spine chilling suspense.

    I would love to represented by Penquin Publishings as it perfectly caters for the expanding popularity of Young Adult novels and South African wriiten novels.
    I have attached a brief synopsis and the first three chapters. You can also read more of Beautiful Disaster at my wattpad webpage:
    http://www.wattpad.com/1468942-beautiful-disaster

    You can contact me on:
    Cellphone: 0*********
    Email: ***@yahoo.com

    or alternatively at:
    Cellphone: 0***********

    Thank you for taking the time to consider my work

    Yours Faithfully
    Devon J. Thomas

  2. #2
    Senior Member Frank Baron's Avatar
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    No, it's not good, in pretty much every way possible.

    Spend a considerable amount of time studying everything you can find at Agentquery.com, especially sample queries, and past posts here at WN. Then proof your work until it's not rife with typos and spelling errors.

    Then try again.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
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    Which agency? Agencies come in all sizes and ranges of professionalism and experience.

  4. #4
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    Plenty of writers are contacted by telephone. Include your phone number. It's a non-issue.
    Last edited by leslee; 11-13-2011 at 07:17 AM.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by leslee View Post
    Plenty of writers are contacted by telephone.
    Yeah, I was. Back in the 90s, a well-known NY agent left a message on my answering machine saying she wanted to represent me. I was so thrilled, I taped it for all posterity.

    Of course, when the project eventually came to naught, I junked her message.

    *_*

  6. #6
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    Parts of the query are good, but you flatly kill yourself by having already published it. Unless you have become a celebrity and there's still a lot of mileage in the work, you've already done the publishing and no mainstream publisher will touch it.

    Someone's fallen in love with her. Someone else wantsd her dead because of it. [OK, fine, I think.]

    Chloe Van Cleef sees Capriano Delgaurd and instantly feels and [an] otherworldy connection towards [If you’re American, it’s “toward.” “Towards” is British style] him that's both dangerously hypnotic [And what? “Both” anticipates two options.]. He seems repulsed by her at first [comma] but the more she [drop the “more she”] closer she gets to him, the more she feels like she's known him before. And will Chloe listen to her incarnations warning her to stay away from Capriano before he kils [kills?] her – [an em dash is longer than this and there are no spaces around it.]again? [start a new paragraph here]Beautiful Disaster [titles conventially are in all caps in a query letter to make them stand out] is a 72,000 word [72,000-word. (A good length)] paranormal romance targeted to a growing number of young adults entranced by teenage romance woven into a dark forumla [formula] of lust, betrayal, vengence, danger [comma. publishing uses the serial comma] and deadly supernatural secrets.

    Beautiful Disaster has already been published online at Wattpad.com [OH NO. This kills the whole project dead. Why would a publisher want to publish something that’s already been offered publicly? You’ve already used up buyers] and has been well-received [well received. Not hyphenated when in the predicate] by an international audience for its unique twist on the paranormal romance sub-genre [subgenre] , it's heart-melting romance and spine chilling [spine-chilling] suspense.

    I would love to represented by Penquin Publishings as it perfectly caters for the expanding popularity of Young Adult novels and South African wriiten novels.
    I have attached a brief synopsis and the first three chapters. [You don’t send anything unsolicited with an initial query letter. Many agents/publishers will consider it as being pushy] You can also read more of Beautiful Disaster at my wattpad webpage: [Another nail in your coffin in the publishing world]http://www.wattpad.com/1468942-beautiful-disaster

    You can contact me on: [Unless you are Jennifer Lopez, they aren’t going to call you so it’s the mark of an amateur to give a phone number]
    Cellphone: 0*********
    Email: ***@yahoo.com
    or alternatively at:
    Cellphone: 0***********

    Thank you for taking the time to consider my work

    Yours Faithfully [Too intimate for a first-contact business letter. Rings as fake; you aren’t going to make this commitment to a stranger, and the recipient sure as heck doesn’t want that level of relationship on an initial contact.]

  7. #7
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    Thanks that helps a lot. I didn't really spellcheck it or anything because I wanted to see if it has potential. Also the publishing guidelines of the Publishing House specified for the first 3 chapters and a brief synopsis. I'll make sure to scrap the published part (: uhm in place of "yours faithfully" what do you advise I put in it's place

  8. #8
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    um... how about "Yours Desperately". Or, "Marginally Yours".

    Sheesh, it's a business letter. Close it this way: Thank you for your time. Yours truly, Devon Thomas

    Not that it matters, because "scrapping the published part" doesn't un-publish the work. The toothpaste is out there; you can't put it back in the tube.

    <<< Gary and I cross-posted. He says it more forcefully than I >>>
    Last edited by jayce; 11-12-2011 at 07:33 AM.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Devon Thomas View Post
    I didn't really spellcheck it or anything because I wanted to see if it has potential.
    Wow. Sorta like shooting yourself in the hoof, isn't it? We should always spell check our stuff, even our drivel-infested posts.

    I suppose you could sign off with "All the best," but you might sound too much like an agent.

    *_*

  10. #10
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    Beautiful Disaster has already been published online at Wattpad.com

    Gary is right. Unless it is a huge self-published success, no traditional publisher will consider it.

    On to the next book.

    And if you don't at least spellcheck your writing before posting it, you'll find that people don't want to read it. We don't have time to work around your easily-corrected errors.
    Last edited by leslee; 11-12-2011 at 09:22 AM.

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