Is this query good?

[Devon Thomas]

Dear Mr./ Mrs. Agent/Editor's Last Name

Someone's fallen in love with her. Someone else wantsd her dead because of it.

Chloe Van Cleef sees Capriano Delgaurd and instantly feels and otherworldy connection towards him that's both dangerously hypnotic. He seems repulsed by her at first but the more she closer she gets to him, the more she feels like she's known him before. And will Chloe listen to her incarnations warning her to stay away from Capriano before he kils her - again? Beautiful Disaster is a 72,000 word paranormal romance targeted to a growing number of young adults entranced by teenage romance woven into a dark forumla of lust, betrayal, vengence, danger and deadly supernatural secrets.

Beautiful Disaster has already been published online at Wattpad.com and has been well-recieved by an international audience for its unique twist on the paranormal romance sub-genre, it's heart-melting romance and spine chilling suspense.

I would love to represented by Penquin Publishings as it perfectly caters for the expanding popularity of Young Adult novels and South African wriiten novels.
I have attached a brief synopsis and the first three chapters. You can also read more of Beautiful Disaster at my wattpad webpage:
http://www.wattpad.com/1468942-beautiful-disaster

You can contact me on:
Cellphone: 0*********
Email: ***@yahoo.com

or alternatively at:
Cellphone: 0***********

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work

Yours Faithfully
Devon J. Thomas

[Frank Baron]

No, it's not good, in pretty much every way possible.

Spend a considerable amount of time studying everything you can find at Agentquery.com, especially sample queries, and past posts here at WN. Then proof your work until it's not rife with typos and spelling errors.

Then try again.

Good luck.

[Gary Kessler]

Parts of the query are good, but you flatly kill yourself by having already published it. Unless you have become a celebrity and there's still a lot of mileage in the work, you've already done the publishing and no mainstream publisher will touch it.

Someone's fallen in love with her. Someone else wantsd her dead because of it. [OK, fine, I think.]

Chloe Van Cleef sees Capriano Delgaurd and instantly feels and [an] otherworldy connection towards [If you’re American, it’s “toward.” “Towards” is British style] him that's both dangerously hypnotic [And what? “Both” anticipates two options.]. He seems repulsed by her at first [comma] but the more she [drop the “more she”] closer she gets to him, the more she feels like she's known him before. And will Chloe listen to her incarnations warning her to stay away from Capriano before he kils [kills?] her – [an em dash is longer than this and there are no spaces around it.]again? [start a new paragraph here]Beautiful Disaster [titles conventially are in all caps in a query letter to make them stand out] is a 72,000 word [72,000-word. (A good length)] paranormal romance targeted to a growing number of young adults entranced by teenage romance woven into a dark forumla [formula] of lust, betrayal, vengence, danger [comma. publishing uses the serial comma] and deadly supernatural secrets.

Beautiful Disaster has already been published online at Wattpad.com [OH NO. This kills the whole project dead. Why would a publisher want to publish something that’s already been offered publicly? You’ve already used up buyers] and has been well-received [well received. Not hyphenated when in the predicate] by an international audience for its unique twist on the paranormal romance sub-genre [subgenre] , it's heart-melting romance and spine chilling [spine-chilling] suspense.

I would love to represented by Penquin Publishings as it perfectly caters for the expanding popularity of Young Adult novels and South African wriiten novels.
I have attached a brief synopsis and the first three chapters. [You don’t send anything unsolicited with an initial query letter. Many agents/publishers will consider it as being pushy] You can also read more of Beautiful Disaster at my wattpad webpage: [Another nail in your coffin in the publishing world]http://www.wattpad.com/1468942-beautiful-disaster

You can contact me on: [Unless you are Jennifer Lopez, they aren’t going to call you so it’s the mark of an amateur to give a phone number]
Cellphone: 0*********
Email: ***@yahoo.com
or alternatively at:
Cellphone: 0***********

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work

Yours Faithfully [Too intimate for a first-contact business letter. Rings as fake; you aren’t going to make this commitment to a stranger, and the recipient sure as heck doesn’t want that level of relationship on an initial contact.]

[Devon Thomas]

Thanks that helps a lot. I didn't really spellcheck it or anything because I wanted to see if it has potential. Also the publishing guidelines of the Publishing House specified for the first 3 chapters and a brief synopsis. I'll make sure to scrap the published part (: uhm in place of "yours faithfully" what do you advise I put in it's place

[Devon Thomas]

Beautiful Disaster's Query Letter:

Dear Mr. Smith

Someone's fallen in love with her. Someone else wants her dead.
Chloe Van Cleed's life has been perfect for years but she can't help but feel like something's missing. So when she sees Capriano Delgaurd and instantly feels an otherworldy connection toward him that's both dangerously hypnotic and altogether unnerving, she thinks that he could be the missing puzzle she's been desprately searching for. He seems repulsed by her at first, but the closer she gets to him, the more she feels like she's known him before. And will Chloe listen to her previous incarnations when they warn her to stay away from Capriano before he kills her--again?

Beautiful Disaster is a 72,000 word paranormal romance targeted to a growing number of young adults entranced by teenage romance woven into a dark formula of lust, betrayal, vengence, danger, and deadly supernatural secrets.

I would love to represented by Penquin Publishings as it perfectly caters for the expanding popularity of Young Adult and South African written novels.
I have attached a brief synopsis and the first three chapters.

You can contact me on:
Email: ***

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work

Devon J. Thomas

[Devon Thomas]

Beautiful Disaster's Query Letter:

Dear Mr. Smith

Someone's fallen in love with her. Someone else wants her dead.

Chloe Van Cleed's life has been perfect for years but she can't help but feel like something's missing. So when she sees Capriano Delgaurd and instantly feels an otherworldy connection toward him that's both dangerously hypnotic and altogether unnerving, she thinks that he could be the missing puzzle she's been desprately searching for. He seems repulsed by her at first, but the closer she gets to him, the more she feels like she's known him before. And will Chloe listen to her previous incarnations when they warn her to stay away from Capriano before he kills her--again?

Beautiful Disaster is a 72,000 word paranormal romance targeted to a growing number of young adults entranced by teenage romance woven into a dark formula of lust, betrayal, vengence, danger, and deadly supernatural secrets.

I would love to be represented by Penquin Publishings as it perfectly caters for the expanding popularity of Young Adult and South African written novels.
I have attached a brief synopsis and the first three chapters.

You can contact me on:
Email: ***@yahoo.com

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work

Devon J. Thomas

[Gary Kessler]

I think you've missed the major point. You've already published it and made it available for free. It's dead in the publishing world unless you have suddenly become a celebrity and have renewed interest in something you've written. It's dead. Mainstream publishing isn't in your future with this project.

You can't suddenly put that rabbit back in the hat just by cutting the fact it's already been published out of your query letter. When the agent/publisher finds that out, if they take up interest from your query letter, your publishing future is dead on more counts than just this one.

You're done with this one. Write another one, and don't publish it first if you want it published in the mainstream.

[jayce]

um... how about "Yours Desperately". Or, "Marginally Yours".

Sheesh, it's a business letter. Close it this way: Thank you for your time. Yours truly, Devon Thomas

Not that it matters, because "scrapping the published part" doesn't un-publish the work. The toothpaste is out there; you can't put it back in the tube.

<<< Gary and I cross-posted. He says it more forcefully than I >>>

[Kitty Foyle]

I didn't really spellcheck it or anything because I wanted to see if it has potential.

Wow. Sorta like shooting yourself in the hoof, isn't it? We should always spell check our stuff, even our drivel-infested posts.

I suppose you could sign off with "All the best," but you might sound too much like an agent.

*_*

[leslee]

Beautiful Disaster has already been published online at Wattpad.com

Gary is right. Unless it is a huge self-published success, no traditional publisher will consider it.

On to the next book.

And if you don't at least spellcheck your writing before posting it, you'll find that people don't want to read it. We don't have time to work around your easily-corrected errors.