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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011

    Nickels and Dimes

    If you could give me your thoughts on this, I would appreciate it. It is for a contest. The subject matter is money and this is the scenerio I thought of.

    Nickels and Dimes

    Tattered and bristled with dirt.
    He keeps them in his breast pocket.
    Among the crumbs and grease, his treasure lies.

    With a gleam in his brown eyes,
    The wild haired old man holds them in dingy hands and shrieks
    My fortune is nearly here!
    An unshaven beard shows a smile,
    Passer-bys shuffle on the street, among the November frost.

    Disgust shows underneath the surface.
    Cringing to a far away corner,
    Strangers scurry from the bum who speaks of his fortunes of nickels and dimes.

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    I'm adding to the poem. Feel free to critique what is posted above if you would like. Thanks.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Rhinebeck, NY
    Dunno much about poetry, but I kinda liked this.

    I'd put a hyphen between wild haired (wild-haired old man), and change "passer-by's" to passersby.

    (Hey, nickels and dimes can really add up, right?)


  4. #4
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    This has potential - I agree with Kitty's assessment.

    I'm not that crazy about the old man's announcement "My fortune is nearly here!" It's a thought that doesn't have a beginning or end in the scheme of the rest of the poem, imo. I could hear him saying something more like, "Not a fortune, but I don't need one."

    Also, whose disgust are you referencing? The old man's? Or the on-looking strangers?

    Work a little more with this and I think you could do better, Margaret. I do like the scene.

    Good luck!

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    It's all trying too hard, and includes some incorrect word usage.

    among the November frost.

    How can one be among frost?

    Among the crumbs and grease

    You really like among.

    Passer-by’s shuffle
    Strangers scurry

    Nobody walks around here. They shuffle and scurry.

    It is not passer-by's. It is passers-by.

    bristled with dirt

    How can one be "bristled" with dirt?

    I know it's poetry. And many people feel that a poem is like an abstract painting - you can do whatever you want. I'm not saying you can't. But there are some things you might want to take into consideration. Spelling. Word usage = meaning. Punctuation. The basics. You're free to decide that one can be among frost and bristled with dirt, or that a beard can smile, but for this reader, it doesn't work.
    Last edited by leslee; 11-07-2011 at 08:10 AM.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Thanks everyone for your critique. They were very helpful. I have until tomorrow to submit the poem. I'm going to work on it more. I agree that it could be better.

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