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Thread: Class Baby

  1. #1
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    Class Baby

    It’s was not easy at all for Susie,
    To be the bear youngest in her grade.
    It was uncomfortable and perhaps unpleasant.

    She turned five very late,
    Right before December 1st, her school’s cut-off.
    Once she caught up with everybody’s age,
    They were already facing their sixth birthdays.
    Even though her birthday was the twenty-second of November.
    No one else was even a day or two younger than her.

    As the years went by, Susie hoped for new students,
    Students younger than her.
    No luck had occurred.
    She still remained the baby of her grade.

    When elementary school ended,
    Susie felt somewhat satisfied.
    Maybe in junior high,
    She would no longer be the youngest.

    But when high school started,
    Susie knew everyone’s date of births.
    Everyone was older than her.
    She wished she had started school a year later.
    Then she would be one of the oldest kids in her class.

    Some kids even a year behind her were older then her.
    She wondered why they got to start kindergarten a year late.
    Many kids whose birthdays were in October,
    Turned out to be a month older rather than a year younger.

    Senior year had arrived.
    Many kids in her grade were approaching their eighteenth birthdays.
    Almost everyone would be able to vote on Election Day.
    But Susie had to wait another year before she could vote.

    She entered college as a minor.
    She did not like the fact that even though she was almost eighteen,
    She had to be excluded from any activity where people had to be eighteen or older.
    What was worse what that November did not seem to be coming closer.

    When Susie finished college,
    She had gotten over being the class baby,
    And was ready to look for a job.
    It did not matter whether she was young or old.
    There was no freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior year in the real world.
    Susie was no longer an insecure little girl.
    She was a wise woman hoping to succeed in her future.

    I would like suggestions on how I could make it still rhyme by not forcing rhymes. I would also like feedback on other things too. My goal is to get it to publishable quality.



  2. #2
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    Doesn't do much for me (actually, as poetry, it doesn't do anything for me at all). I've never understood "poetry" that had no rhyme or meter. This just looks like prose that you chopped down in uneven lines with no rhythm to them. It also starts off with an incorrect "It's was," which makes it DOA for me. What's a "bear youngest"?

  3. #3
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    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    It’s was not easy at all for Susie,
    To be the bear youngest in her grade.
    It was uncomfortable and perhaps unpleasant.


    That's as far as I got.

    1. It's was not. . . When you start with an error like that, you lose me.
    2. be the bear youngest . . . What does that mean? Susie was a bear?
    3. and perhaps unpleasant. Perhaps? Don't you know? Doesn't Susie know?

    But I did notice this on my way out:

    When Susie finished college,
    She had gotten over being the class baby,


    Jeez, I hope so!
    Last edited by leslee; 10-28-2011 at 07:28 AM.

  4. #4
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    I got through the first couple of stanzas, and then skimmed the rest. I'm sorry, but this had no interesting quality to it whatsoever, jabbering on about the fact that Susie disliked being the youngest in her class all the way through her education. Did you mean to have a point to any of it? If so, you missed it. I don't like to be so negative, but I really didn't like this at all. So sorry.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  5. #5
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    What are some ways I can improve on it? I wrote it because this was based on my own life experience. I should have said, "It was" at the beginning. If anyone can think of a way to make it sound better, be my guest.

  6. #6
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    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    Let's suppose you wanted to write a poem about the sky. Would you say, "sky," over and over again? If you're writing about a subject, do you best express it by endlessly repeating the subject? No. In fact, the better way is to allude to it, not harp on it. So, here we have this girl and for some reason - which you never adequately explain - she's hung up about being the youngest in her class all through school. And you repeat it for every grade she goes through. Young, youngest, younger, baby, minor. Sunayna, it's boring. You don't go any deeper than the surface. Her age is a fact she's obsessed with, but you provide no depth or explanation as to why it should matter so much to her or to us. So she's the youngest? What's the big deal? What's so special about her? Lots of kids deal with being the youngest in their family or school. So? Why is it traumatic for her? And when she gets out of college, she's suddenly "wise." How'd that happen? You say she'd gotten over being the "class baby," but you don't give us any idea how she managed it. I assume she matured and realized it didn't matter if she was younger than her classmates, but where's the experience? You left it out of the poem. It isn't valuable to tell us the same thing for every grade she went through. Still the youngest, still the baby. The way you have presented it, all it makes the reader think is, "Girl, get over it!"
    Last edited by leslee; 10-28-2011 at 06:36 PM.

  7. #7
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    So basically, I should change words, add an explanation of why it should matter, and how she could manage it. I could change it up, but to be honest, I am not really an expert on poems. I only wrote it because it was my life experience that I had to deal with. The only part I changed was the name. This was actually the first time I thought of a poem that would be fun to write.

  8. #8
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Well, if you wrote it just for yourself, then that's fine. Lots of people do so for their own enjoyment. But, you asked for suggestions on how to improve it because you wanted it to be "publishable quality." Leslee gave you some spot on suggestions to consider. Do what you will.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  9. #9
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    Just because something actually happened to you does not make it interesting for other people to read, unless you write it in an interesting manner.

    As CB says, If you're writing for your own enjoyment, "publishable quality" is irrelevant.
    Last edited by leslee; 10-29-2011 at 06:43 AM.

  10. #10
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    My suggestion would be just to write what you want to get across in prose. I don't recognize what you wrote to be poetry at all--just prose chopped up to look like poetry.

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