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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Oct 2011
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    Revision--for YA query

    Thanks for all the help so far! You've been great. Here's my revision--hopefully I'm whittling this down into something that doesn't, you know, suck.

    Dear Mr. or Ms. ____,

    It’s not like sixteen-year old Nathan Terras wants to be evil. A bad boy, maybe—but not evil. Yeah, he can see auras but so what? He’d gladly trade that talent for, say, a new Mustang or a little skin time with Scarlett Johansson. That is until a near-death experience reveals he’s to become the Antichrist.

    Forget vampires, werewolves, and zombies. They're the lucky ones.

    THE. ANTICHRIST.

    And now his enemies are waking. They're coming for him, and they're not interested in a friendly game of Halo. His principal, guys at school, strangers in vans—even members of his own family now want him dead. But Nathan isn’t without defenses. A violent power grows inside him. He’d be thankful if only the dark energy wasn’t so addictive.

    When his little brother disappears, he’ll do anything to get him back. Embracing his new identity may save his brother’s life, but Nathan could lose his own in the process. The line between good and evil blurs, leaving Nathan unsure which side he’s on.

    THE BECOMING is a young adult paranormal novel of 78,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


    Also taking opinions on the title: THE BECOMING or ANTICHRIST 16: THE BECOMING or DEVIL'S SON: THE BECOMING.

    Appreciate all thoughts!



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2011
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    Hi Carrie,

    I have to say - my only quibble here is the last line "the line between good and evil". I think it reads well without it - that "lose his own in the process" is a good conclusion.

    I like :"The Becoming" for a title, but people say that your title is probably going to be changed by the publisher/agent anyway (if they're not keen on it) so don't sweat it too bad. I think "the Becoming" is catchy.

    I like the sound of this query, and the book. Lots more consistent voice than last time, and you've cut out the confusing bits about his brother disappearing due to the very people who swore to protect him. That confused me a little.

    Good work!

  3. #3
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Needs a little rearranging, for one thing: How about starting right from the top -


    Forget vampires, werewolves, and zombies. They're the lucky ones. Nathan Terras just found out he's to become the Antichrist.

    THE. ANTICHRIST.


    You know, gets right to the meat of things. Then, start filling in the necessaries.

    Thoughts?
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  4. #4
    Senior Member Avonne Writer's Avatar
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    Feb 2011
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    Southern California, USA
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    Quote Originally Posted by C Bets View Post
    Needs a little rearranging, for one thing: How about starting right from the top -


    Forget vampires, werewolves, and zombies. They're the lucky ones. Nathan Terras just found out he's to become the Antichrist.

    THE. ANTICHRIST.


    You know, gets right to the meat of things. Then, start filling in the necessaries.

    Thoughts?
    I like that... C

    Grabs my attention.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Yeah, I didn't see it myself, but CBets was spot on! That's a snappy start.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
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    Jun 2011
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    19
    This sounds great! I would actually love to read this novel.

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