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Thread: Escape

  1. #11
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Thanks, AL! I agree with the "recesses of my mind. . . dreams at night..." section, now that you point it out. I'm not loving it at all the way it's reading.

    A resounding echo lingering
    Whispering in my head all day
    An intruder in my dreams at night


    Something like that?
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should



  2. #12
    Amy Lou
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    Yes that's better! I think you should still think on it though. But something along those lines~

  3. #13
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
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    C-bets- sorry I'm not a poet, so I tend not to comment. But I just wanted to say I do like the poem and, like Amy said, I had a picture in my mind that fits what you said you drew the inspiration from.
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice
    MC

  4. #14
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Well, I can't ask for anything better from you, Miranda. Thanks so much!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  5. #15
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    I also pictured the time period in my mind. I want to sing this poem!

  6. #16
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Thanks for reading, Claire!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  7. #17
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    I really liked it. I thought it painted a really good picture.

  8. #18
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Aw, thanks, Margaret! I'm glad you enjoyed!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  9. #19
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    It is a fairly pedestrian poem, not horrible. It's main defect is careless language and vagueness. Also, you're not a good enough poet to lose punctuation. You lose a lot of meaning and cause confusion without punctuation. Here's my favorite part though:

    And the yearning of better things
    And bigger rewards
    Will be replaced
    With thoughts of home
    Love and simple pleasures
    That Ive come to know

    It's a lovely sentiment, but it's marred by careless, weak language. You start sentences with "and" way too much. Typically, people have yearnings for something not of. I think yearnings would more readily replace thoughts rather than the other way around. You need stronger verbs. "Better things" is pretty vague and "bigger rewards" is kind of redundant. Read this:

    Where dreams of a better life
    Fade away under
    The yearning for home,
    Love, and simple pleasures
    I already know.

    See that? Says more with fewer words. That's one of a thousand ways to express it. There's no room for clutter and weak verbs in poetry. Every word must count. Weak verbs are bad in prose, but devastating in poetry.

    The best way to write great poetry is to drive it with a clear message or sentiment. I don't think you knew very well what message you wanted to convey. I don't think you thought it through very carefully, and it shows. But it's not bad for first draft; there's just a lot of dirt covering up the gold.

  10. #20
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Thanks, John. Good assessment - I'll be the first to admit I'm a weak poet, and don't have the technical skills to earn an A+ from those who know how to do it properly. This is an old draft, and I did like monkeying around with the prompt at the time, if that explains anything.

    Appreciate the feedback!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

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