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Thread: Escape

  1. #1
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Escape

    I was just thinking about this one today. It's one I did a while ago, and got lots of positive feedback at the time. Sharing...

    This old road Ive been down
    A hundred times before
    To the fishing hole in youth
    And the saw mill when I growd

    Where the nine-o-three did rumble by
    And Id stop
    And stare
    And listen

    Its whistle would call me by name
    A resounding echo lingering
    In the recesses of my mind
    And in my dreams at night

    But today I wait no more
    And follow this foot path
    I know so well
    Where it will lead me
    To my unreserved seat
    In the boxcar named Freedom
    And take me to horizons unknown

    And the yearning of better things
    And bigger rewards
    Will be replaced
    With thoughts of home
    Love and simple pleasures
    That Ive come to know

    And Ill miss you
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should



  2. #2
    martin shaw
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    You have something to work on here, but I would take foundations from your last piece and build from that. It pips this at the post.
    Last edited by martin shaw; 10-17-2011 at 01:12 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Okay - well, thanks for reading, Martin; but, not sure what you're telling me. This piece has no connection whatsoever to the other one I posted earlier. What exactly do you mean?
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  4. #4
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    I like it, Cindy. Very touching.

  5. #5
    martin shaw
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    Sorry, I'm tired.

    Your last piece was a step forward for you. This is good but not as good

  6. #6
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Thank you, Jena! And, thank you, martin -- that made more sense. LOL
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
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    Hi Cindy, I'll come back when I've got more time, and I also feel insecure about offering advice on poetry. LOL I don't care for the word grow'd, but that's probably just me.

  8. #8
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lou View Post
    ...I don't care for the word grow'd, but that's probably just me.
    Just so you know, this poem was actually created in response to a photo prompt; a b&w of a barefoot young man walking down a dirt road, suggesting a time period around the 30s or 40s. So, now that I think of it, I should probably have been more consistent with the voice throughout the entire piece.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  9. #9
    Amy Lou
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    Yes, that really does help, I'll be back for you girl!!

  10. #10
    Amy Lou
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    Hi Cindy, sorry for not getting to this sooner. Your comment about the photo prompt does help, and before you mentioned it, I had a visual of something similar. So the poem does its job without knowing of the photo. You are very good at poetry, this has a nice flow and tone to it. I found it to be very consistent, only the word grow'd bothered me, as I've mentioned, but it's probably just me. I don't really have much to add, only I wish Martin's post was still here, because I remember agreeing with what he was trying to say. UGH LOL I feel this could be more, it's good as is, but just sort of glides along weightless, saying a little something but not quite taking me there. Not sure if that makes sense? But you also know my abilities go better with fiction pieces and poetry is just something I write to express deep feelings.
    I love your words!
    Amylou


    A hundred times before
    To the fishing hole in youth
    And the saw mill when I grow’d

    Where the nine-o-three did rumble by
    And I’d stop
    And stare
    And listen (the ands, held me back a little, I would prefer I'd stop, stare, listen)

    Its whistle would call me by name (It's whistle called my name)
    A resounding echo lingering (like this line a lot)
    In the recesses of my mind (recesses in my mind feels a little cliche, I just wonder if there's a more unusual way to state this)
    And in my dreams at night (this feels flat, give me more of what this means, literally in his dreams, or figuratively?)

    But today I wait no more
    And follow this foot path
    I know so well
    Where it will lead me
    To my unreserved seat
    In the boxcar named “Freedom” (nice)
    And take me to horizons unknown

    And the yearning of better things
    And bigger rewards
    Will be replaced
    With thoughts of home
    Love and simple pleasures
    That I’ve come to know

    And I’ll miss you

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