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  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    That means my writing made you feel something!
    Exactly. You already know you have a fan.



  2. #12
    Amy Lou
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jena Grace View Post
    Exactly. You already know you have a fan.
    Really Jena, that means A LOT!

  3. #13
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2011
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    262
    I'd hoped to get to this sooner but better late than never. These are very good, as already mentioned:

    left the room and took hope with her; stillness in the aquarium she swam; Like frost vanishing when sunshine reaches down and wipes the earth dry; Days went by unnoticed, nights went by awake. Nothing mattered.

    Shows you have talent, girl. You did a good job with expressing her feelings and heartbreak.

    Returning, I scanned their faces, back and forth like a ping-pong ball. Does this seem like "I" is returning? When they returned? Assuming that the Dr. was in there before the tech.

    v-shaped wrinkle (hyphen)

    I'm not keen on the word amused.

    Anyway, overall, good job. I've always thought you had talent. Good luck with this.

    Claire

  4. #14
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
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    Feb 2011
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    California
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    As always, you have a way with words. You've trimmed it beautifully, and I feel so sad for Chloe, even though I knew what was going to happen.

    I have a thought, and I wonder what you and others would think: but what if this scene was your opening? It would need a bit of tweaking, of course, but it would eliminate the need to use it as a flashback.

    It's nice that this scene is much closer to the beginning, instead of chapter 4 or 5, like it was before, and it's much shorter, but it still has that same feel that it's keeping your story from moving forward. Right after Gavin leaves, I want to know what happens next, I don't want to read a thousand-word flashback about her losing their baby. I think also, if you give a us a reason to love Gavin, it will hurt more when he leaves. At this point I wouldn't give a rats ass how much he loved the baby or Chloe, but in reverse I'd be like "no, he wouldn't leave her! He was so loving!!!!"
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice
    MC

  5. #15
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    wow, I'm getting some awesome, encouraging and helpful comments. Thank you all so much!!

    Claire~first, thanks for telling me what you liked and for such encouragement. It gives me the drive to move forward. Great point about the Returning and the I. Yes, I do agree now that I've read it back. And I will fix the word amused and the hyphen. Many thanks Claire! I think you've got talent too!

    Miranda~ girl, you've seen this from the beginning, two years ago! LOL I can't believe I'm still stuck on this. I don't know how to make this my opening because it happens two years prior to him leaving her. I do like the idea a lot, it's a powerful scene, but I can't open with a flashback right? Also interesting comment on the placement of this scene, as far as not wanting to be stopped reading a flashback. I just feel like it all works as a whole. The seduction, rejection, Gavin accusing her of being obsessed with having a baby, then him leaving, her escaping to her favorite room, in her favorite rocking chair. The she reflects back on the loss. But I'm not making excuses, I totally hear what your saying. I love the idea of having the reader bond with Gavin too so that it's that much greater of a shock. UGH so much to orchestrate, I feel I have the Fat Albert band instead. Thanks always for your kind words and encouragement!! It means a lot!

    Thanks everyone!
    Amylou

  6. #16
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    Apr 2011
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    About her feelings and heartbreak - I think you captured the feelings of a woman who desperately wants a baby and then loses the baby. Not just Chloe, and this is good.

    Can't comment about this as a flashback, I don't remember reading the first part of the chap.

  7. #17
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Claire Young View Post
    About her feelings and heartbreak - I think you captured the feelings of a woman who desperately wants a baby and then loses the baby. Not just Chloe, and this is good.

    Can't comment about this as a flashback, I don't remember reading the first part of the chap.
    Thank you again, Claire, I really do appreciate your comment and encouragement! It's motivating to me! Now if I can just figure out where to begin my book!

  8. #18
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    Hey... I just noticed you're not on my friend list again...

  9. #19
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    It says that you have not accepted my friendship request? Do you have one from me in your messages?? Weird?

  10. #20
    Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lou View Post
    It says that you have not accepted my friendship request? Do you have one from me in your messages?? Weird?
    You're back on my list again Amy... not sure what happened there. Maybe I'll just blame Martin... everyone seems to...

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