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Thread: Helium Luv

  1. #11
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    You're welcome, Aims! It's always a pleasure. I'll have to check that other place out again soon, I have very little poetry to offer.
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice

  2. #12
    Amy Lou
    Miranda, just saw this, you can also post fiction there and I've met some great people offering experienced advice. One of my friends there, has his own publishing company in NC, that does YA, not my genre, but said he'd be happy to offer contacts. Come on over and look me up! I think this poem stinks, really. LOL but I've been challenged by someone to turn this into prose, fiction. Could be fun! I'll email you, need to catch up!
    Last edited by Amy Lou; 10-16-2011 at 02:18 PM.

  3. #13
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    You know I love what you write, AL. But, I agree this could be shortened and have an even MORE impact than it already does. I still think you have what it takes to be better at prose rather than long, drawn out poetry with numerous stanzas. Don't stop, and don't think I'm trying to discourage you from anything. Just my opinion, once again. xxxooo

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  4. #14
    Amy Lou
    I LOVE YOU C~BETS Really I do. You don't discourage me one bit. You've just stated what my published friend over at ablemuse has said to me many times. I'm better at prose than poetry! I know you're only stating what's true and best for me. Girl, I could never be upset at my fellow GreenBay Packer fan, I assume you like them, cheese head and all!!! You're the best C~bets!!

  5. #15
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Columbus, Ohio
    Pretty murky. Here's the play I think I see in that poem:

    Girl meets gregarious boy and likes him, so she sleeps with him. She falls in love, she has some kind of personal difficulties (perhaps depression), and he helps her through them. He wants to go on some venture, but her fear will not allow her to accompany him, so he leaves her, and she is sad. She sees him later, still desires him, and is glad he no new girlfriend yet. He is still her friend, but no longer a lover.

    Now what I think you're trying to do is paint all the emotion and feeling behind that play, not so much the actual events, which is fine. However, it requires some degree of sense and logic both literally and in language to hang that emotion on. The words you use and the way you use them destroys a lot of meaning a reader might hope to find, and he's left with large chunks of gibberish. The poem is a solid block of metaphor with little mooring to reality to give it meaning or poignancy. I suppose the poem means a great deal to you personally because you know why you worded it the way you did, and maybe a close friend of yours might gleen some meaning from it as well, but to the average reader (me), it reads largely like a collection of words thrown together for their sound or their shock and oddity value.

    That said, I think you definitely have a poetic bent to you, else I would not have received as much meaning as I did. I think you need to climb out of the avant garde pool and lay out in the sun of reason and structure for a bit. I don't think it would take too much for this poem to bite a much larger audience than it would now.

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Hi John, I apologize for not responding to your thoughtful critique. I couldn't get back on WN until yesterday. Thank you so much for your time and thoughts regarding this silly poem. You are right, this needs a lot of work, not my best. I've since written it into a prose piece that I'm very proud of. I feel it works much better. Your summary of the poem was pretty close, girl mets boy, feels he's the one to take her away from her mundane life, but her neediness becomes too much for him so he severs the connection (string) sending her back an existence of nothingness. You are also correct about the poem being a solid block of metaphor and meaning something to me personally and something the reader may not grasp. I totally agree with all that you've commented on. And I also thank you for your encouragement to fine tune my poetic skills.
    Thank you so very much, John!

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