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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Nickels and Dimes

    If you could give me your thoughts on this, I would appreciate it. It is for a contest. The subject matter is money and this is the scenerio I thought of.

    Nickels and Dimes

    Tattered and bristled with dirt.
    He keeps them in his breast pocket.
    Among the crumbs and grease, his treasure lies.

    With a gleam in his brown eyes,
    The wild haired old man holds them in dingy hands and shrieks
    My fortune is nearly here!
    An unshaven beard shows a smile,
    Passer-bys shuffle on the street, among the November frost.

    Disgust shows underneath the surface.
    Cringing to a far away corner,
    Strangers scurry from the bum who speaks of his fortunes of nickels and dimes.



  2. #2
    Junior Member
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    I'm adding to the poem. Feel free to critique what is posted above if you would like. Thanks.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Dunno much about poetry, but I kinda liked this.

    I'd put a hyphen between wild haired (wild-haired old man), and change "passer-by's" to passersby.

    (Hey, nickels and dimes can really add up, right?)

    *_*

  4. #4
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    This has potential - I agree with Kitty's assessment.

    I'm not that crazy about the old man's announcement "My fortune is nearly here!" It's a thought that doesn't have a beginning or end in the scheme of the rest of the poem, imo. I could hear him saying something more like, "Not a fortune, but I don't need one."

    Also, whose disgust are you referencing? The old man's? Or the on-looking strangers?

    Work a little more with this and I think you could do better, Margaret. I do like the scene.

    Good luck!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    It's all trying too hard, and includes some incorrect word usage.

    among the November frost.

    How can one be among frost?

    Among the crumbs and grease

    You really like among.

    Passer-by’s shuffle
    Strangers scurry


    Nobody walks around here. They shuffle and scurry.

    It is not passer-by's. It is passers-by.

    bristled with dirt

    How can one be "bristled" with dirt?

    I know it's poetry. And many people feel that a poem is like an abstract painting - you can do whatever you want. I'm not saying you can't. But there are some things you might want to take into consideration. Spelling. Word usage = meaning. Punctuation. The basics. You're free to decide that one can be among frost and bristled with dirt, or that a beard can smile, but for this reader, it doesn't work.
    Last edited by leslee; 11-07-2011 at 08:10 AM.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
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    Thanks everyone for your critique. They were very helpful. I have until tomorrow to submit the poem. I'm going to work on it more. I agree that it could be better.

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