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  1. #1
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    Glass, Walk On By, and Breakthrough....

    These three poems (in addition to Leviticus and Electric Lungs) are from my forthcoming collection of poetry, Birds Of Prey, to be released in October. Any criticism is welcome!

    GLASS

    Iíve materialized this phi sad
    That I donít give a damn
    But even the smallest things
    Can chain me to the wall.

    Iíve dismissed every outreached hand
    And continued forth
    With my head held high
    Even when my neck was tired.

    Iíve stomped in the sand
    Just to leave my mark
    But the ocean tides wash them away
    And Iím left at the beginning.

    I shatter like glass
    At every dead end road
    But I pick up the pieces
    Even though they cut me.

    Iíve materialized this phi sad
    That I donít give a damn

    But Iím just a pile of glass.

    _______________________________

    WALK ON BY

    We live under the same roof
    Yet we donít spend time together
    And when we cross paths in the same hallway
    Itís like weíre strangers.

    Youíre a ghost of the person you were
    When we first met
    And over-achieving has made you obtuse
    To the crumbling of our souls.

    Weíve been falling from love
    And clinging onto convenience
    For quite some time now
    And weíre getting closer to a crossroad.

    I donít want us to die
    But something tells me
    Youíll walk on by
    And leave us in a cloud of dust.
    ________________________________

    BREAKTHROUGH

    Drunk beyond belief
    Yet the thrill of having a problem
    Keeps me afloat as I conjure sympathy
    From unsuspecting bystanders.

    Dizzy beyond consciousness
    But itís better than having a jaded view
    Of the world supposedly ending.

    Impaired from a bottle made of lies
    But I want to learn more
    From the machine that aids our addiction
    Because the mystery is sewed into our fibers.

    I am too stubborn to have a breakthrough
    Because that would mean giving up
    And that is unacceptable in this society.

    Drunk beyond belief
    Yet the thrill of having a problem
    Keeps me swimming for a cure

    But unable to find a breakthrough.



  2. #2
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Beautiful Kyle! Sorry I haven't seen these hidden over here in the poetry section. I like your style of poetry, it's more what I write and am drawn to. Very nice. I hope you don't mind if I come back for a more detailed critique tomorrow! It's late and I had cotton candy and brandy for dinner!!! LOL
    Amylou

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Cotton candy and brandy for dinner?...

    Was that the entre, or were they served separately?

  4. #4
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    LOL Jayce, I just saw this! They were served together, you should try it! I'm coming back for you Kyle, I promise. Been dealing with some stuff

  5. #5
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lou View Post
    LOL Jayce, I just saw this! They were served together, you should try it! I'm coming back for you Kyle, I promise. Been dealing with some stuff
    Not a problem! And thank you for the first comment you left. Brandy sounds amazing

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Yes, she is!

    Tonight's your night! Promise

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Hi Kyle, hope you are well, and still working away on that novel of yours. I thought it sounded really promising and would encourage you to finish it. But I certainly understand how poetry can allow you to get feelings out and focus on something smaller.

    GLASS~ some of my faves are

    But even the smallest things
    Can chain me to the wall.
    Don't we often allow those stupid unimportant things to hold us back, chain us to a wall as you put it!

    Iíve dismissed every outreached hand (outstretched? might sound better?)
    And continued forth
    With my head held high
    Even when my neck was tired. (these last two lines are beautiful! Shows how strong the N is.)


    Iíve stomped in the sand
    Just to leave my mark
    But the ocean tides wash them away
    And Iím left at the beginning. (I adore this image of stomping in the sand to leave your mark, all to have it washed away. Fantastic! But the last line here just isn't quite enough for me. It' needs to be stronger.)


    I shatter like glass
    At every dead end road
    But I pick up the pieces
    Even though they cut me.
    (Another great way you are showing us how strong your N is! I do wish you could give us something more unusual than shattered glass, another way to describe glass breaking, shattered glass is expected. Think about it.)




    WALK ON BY~ Wow, this one is so relatable to so many relationships. Haven't we all felt this way at some point in our lives? One still desiring more, but the other is just numb. In S1, L3 I don't feel you need the word same. You also use it twice in S1. I would like to challenge you to bump this up a notch, go there, don't hold back. It's good as is, but I think you could take it a few steps up, edgier.


    And over-achieving has made you obtuse
    To the crumbling of our souls.
    Yes, this line is very relatable.


    Weíve been falling from love
    And clinging onto convenience (take out And)
    For quite some time now
    And weíre getting closer to a crossroad. (we're getting close to a crossroad - I feel sounds stronger, taking out And and closer.)


    I donít want us to die
    But something tells me
    Youíll walk on by
    And leave us in a cloud of dust. (another place where I think you could take out And, Leaving us in clouds of dust)

    ________________________________

    BREAKTHROUGH ~ This poem has the edge I was looking for in the one above. The first line grabs. My fave line is S3, V1 ~ Impaired from a bottle made of lies~although the bottle is really filled with lies. I also like the line in S5, V3 ~ keeps me swimming for a cure. Fantastic!


    I hope my comments are useful. I really enjoyed your poetry, so keep them coming!
    Amylou

  8. #8
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Florida
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lou View Post
    Hi Kyle, hope you are well, and still working away on that novel of yours. I thought it sounded really promising and would encourage you to finish it. But I certainly understand how poetry can allow you to get feelings out and focus on something smaller.

    GLASS~ some of my faves are

    But even the smallest things
    Can chain me to the wall.
    Don't we often allow those stupid unimportant things to hold us back, chain us to a wall as you put it!

    I’ve dismissed every outreached hand (outstretched? might sound better?)
    And continued forth
    With my head held high
    Even when my neck was tired. (these last two lines are beautiful! Shows how strong the N is.)


    I’ve stomped in the sand
    Just to leave my mark
    But the ocean tides wash them away
    And I’m left at the beginning. (I adore this image of stomping in the sand to leave your mark, all to have it washed away. Fantastic! But the last line here just isn't quite enough for me. It' needs to be stronger.)


    I shatter like glass
    At every dead end road
    But I pick up the pieces
    Even though they cut me.
    (Another great way you are showing us how strong your N is! I do wish you could give us something more unusual than shattered glass, another way to describe glass breaking, shattered glass is expected. Think about it.)




    WALK ON BY~ Wow, this one is so relatable to so many relationships. Haven't we all felt this way at some point in our lives? One still desiring more, but the other is just numb. In S1, L3 I don't feel you need the word same. You also use it twice in S1. I would like to challenge you to bump this up a notch, go there, don't hold back. It's good as is, but I think you could take it a few steps up, edgier.


    And over-achieving has made you obtuse
    To the crumbling of our souls.
    Yes, this line is very relatable.


    We’ve been falling from love
    And clinging onto convenience (take out And)
    For quite some time now
    And we’re getting closer to a crossroad. (we're getting close to a crossroad - I feel sounds stronger, taking out And and closer.)


    I don’t want us to die
    But something tells me
    You’ll walk on by
    And leave us in a cloud of dust. (another place where I think you could take out And, Leaving us in clouds of dust)

    ________________________________

    BREAKTHROUGH ~ This poem has the edge I was looking for in the one above. The first line grabs. My fave line is S3, V1 ~ Impaired from a bottle made of lies~although the bottle is really filled with lies. I also like the line in S5, V3 ~ keeps me swimming for a cure. Fantastic!


    I hope my comments are useful. I really enjoyed your poetry, so keep them coming!
    Amylou
    Thank you! Yes, the novel is complete and formatted for self-publication.

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