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  1. #21
    Senior Member
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    May 2011
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    Later in the story, you learn about how the uncle was before the aunt died.
    I don't really like the suggestion of fist person narrative in my story. It's harder to write. And in my next book related to this one, Alyssa will fall unconscious in one scene, so I'll have to switch point of views for that time.
    I can mention how the aunt died later in the story by narrative rather than dialogue, but I still want Hailey to have loose lips and reveal that Alyssa had money. Like you mentioned, maybe I could have her hesitate and then tell him about Alyssa's money. But why would Hailey blurting out buying food not be realistic? There are people who blurt out secrets and then cover their mouths after realizing that they shouldn't have said them.
    The uncle often goes to the bar. That is when Alyssa and Hailey usually buy their food. I never mention this, but if they walk, then there's a grocery store near them.
    Alyssa doesn't necessarily always pull out fifty dollars every time she and Hailey go to the grocery store. That was just that one time.
    If there are any other things that I should change, let me know. Thank you.



  2. #22
    Senior Member Susan B's Avatar
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    Bailey blurting something out would not necessarily be unrealistic, I think the point being made was that the dialogue you used was unrealistic. Seriously, read it out loud and listen to see if it rings true. Would Hayley nearly complete the sentence and then say: "oops!"? More likely, they would say nothing and the uncle might pick up on some guilty body language, an exchanged look, and press them further (like the strangling example). THEN Hailey, who is weak-willed and unable to keep a secret, might tell him about the money?
    Just a thought, hope it helps.

  3. #23
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    I fixed that part and made Hailey hesitate before telling her dad about Alyssa's money. Here's what I did:
    “Uh…. to buy food with… A-Alyssa’s money… oops!” Hailey covered her mouth.
    I did experiment on making Uncle Bruce force her, but that didn't work out well.

  4. #24
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    May 2011
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    What did you think of my revised line? Do you think it's better?

  5. #25
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    May 2011
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    Did anybody see my last posts? Is there anything else that I could fix or am I ready to post the second half?

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