Part one of The African Adventures of Alyssa Norris first chapter

[Sunayna Prasad]

A thin girl of around twelve gazed at a framed picture of her aunt, causing tears to fill her blue eyes as sorrow welled up again. Her aunt leaned against a fountain and her pearly white smile, wispy bangs, and shoulder-length auburn curls reminded the girl of the good times she had shared with her. Sadly, those happy days had passed. The girl mopped her eyes with the back of her hands, not wanting to cry.
“Oh, Aunt Laura,” she sighed. “Why did you have to go?”
Footsteps thumped rapidly down the hallway outside of the girl’s bedroom door. The knob turned and a girl a year younger peaked inside.
“Come in, Hailey,” said the girl sitting on the bed.
“Alyssa, was that my mom’s photo you were looking at?” Hailey asked as she walked into Alyssa’s room.
“Yeah,” Alyssa said as she put down the picture. Hailey sat down on her bed.
“I miss my mom so much I can’t stand it,” Hailey said miserably. “Why did she get that heart attack?”
“I know how you feel, Hailey,” Alyssa sighed as she put her arm around her cousin. “That moment is very hard to get over.”
Alyssa turned to her digital clock and saw that it was eight-thirty. The grocery store would close in a half hour.
“We should get our food now,” said Alyssa. She stood up and walked to her dresser. Her thigh-length, platinum blonde braids bounced against her denim skirt. She sifted through the top drawer and found the envelope where she had hidden her money. She trusted Hailey, completely, but her uncle was not to know about the money. She pulled out fifty dollars from the top drawer. Most of Alyssa’s money had been passed on from her parents after they died as well as given by friends on Christmases and birthdays-except for the previous Christmas. With that money, she and Hailey would buy clothes twice a year, food twice a week, and hygienic items once a month.
Hailey followed Alyssa out of her room and down the steps to the closet. They retrieved their coats. Alyssa pulled on her deep pink peacoat and started to button. Hailey was in a huge rush to leave. She waited impatiently by the front door because Alyssa seemed to be moving in slow motion.
“Hurry up, Alyssa,” Hailey said urgently zipping up her white jacket. “I don’t want my dad catching us…”
“We’ve been doing this for three years,” Alyssa said as she buttoned the second to last button of her coat. “I don’t think anything will happen.”
As Alyssa and Hailey slid their feet into their boots, the door slammed shut, letting not only freezing air in. A heavy breathing hulk of a figure filled the opening. The smell of alcohol dominated the air. The person’s breathing sounded gruff and deep. Fear rose inside both Alyssa and Hailey as they turned around and saw a pot-bellied man with salt and pepper hair, glowering at them like a monster.
“Dad?”
“Uncle Bruce?”
“Where do you two think you’re going?”
“To buy food with Alyssa’s money… oops!” Hailey covered her mouth. Alyssa gave her a dirty look. Spilling a secret to an alcoholic? What could have been worse?
“Hailey, that was supposed to be a secret,” Alyssa said sternly. Uncle Bruce hovered over her and harshly grabbed her narrow shoulders as she rapidly leaned back startled. She felt heavy tightness and pain from her uncle’s cold hands.
“Uncle Bruce, please,” whined Alyssa. “You’re hurting me.”
“Alyssa Caitlin Norris!” Uncle Bruce growled. “How could you?! How could you have hidden money?!”
“Uh…”
“Dad, stop!”
“Shut up!” he yelled as he turned his head towards Hailey. He turned his head back to Alyssa. “Give me the money!”
“No,” Alyssa answered quietly.
“GIVE IT OR ELSE… NO MEALS FOR TWO DAYS!!! I’M COUNTING TO THREE!!! ONE…!!! TWO…!!!”
“Here!” Alyssa shrieked pulling the fifty-dollar bill out of her skirt pocket. “Take the money!”
Uncle Bruce snatched it out of her hands and let go of her shoulders. “YOU GIRLS GO TO YOUR ROOMS!!!”
Hailey and Alyssa sprinted back up the stairs feeling extremely terrified. Alyssa followed Hailey as she dashed into the room and slammed the door. What an idiot, she thought. Giving away a big secret? How dare she.
Losing her temper, Alyssa banged on Hailey’s door.
“Hailey Elizabeth Smith, you open up right now!” she yelled. The door opened to reveal Hailey looking guilty and scared at the same time.
“Alyssa, I’m sorry I…”
“APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED!!!” Alyssa thundered. “THANKS TO YOU, MY MONEY IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF A MANIAC!!!”
“But you still have more!”
“That’s not the point! I thought I could trust you!”
“I know! But I just can’t hold onto secrets for such a long time!”
Can’t hold to secrets for a long time? Hailey’s words played in Alyssa’s head.
“Then I guess I can’t trust anybody in this house, anymore!”
“Fine!” Hailey slammed her door. Alyssa angrily stomped into her room and sat on her bed. Fifty dollars gone, just like that! To be wasted away at the bar, where Uncle Bruce spent much of his time these days. What else would he spend it on? He hadn’t changed his wardrobe since his wife died three years ago. But what about food? He always ate his meals at the bar. Maybe he’d spend that fifty-dollar bill on one of his meals.

[John Hawkwood]

Sunayna,

You just posted a selection from your novel without any indication what you would like people to do about it. I'm going to assume you want critiques; if that's incorrect, apologies and you can ignore this post.

Overall, there's a lot of cliches here, way too many exclamation points, and some awkward writing. The scene generally seems like Cinderella with the evil stepmother replaced by a drunk uncle. I'm not saying this to rag on you or discourage you from writing, just to suggest you find a way to make this fresher and more interesting to the reader.

I'll do some line-by-line suggestions on your first paragraph just to give you a feel for the micro-issues you need to work on. Here come the caps!

A thin girl of around twelve IN THIS PARAGRAPH WE'RE IN HER HEAD. SHE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW OLD SHE IS, AND "AROUND TWELVE" IS THUS IN TENSION WITH THE POINT OF VIEW gazed at a framed IS "FRAMED" NECESSARY? picture of her aunt, causing "CAUSING" IS A PRETTY BLOODLESS WORD AND AWKWARD HERE. YOU WANT THE READER TO BE SWEPT UP IN HER EMOTION AND THIS DISTANCES THE READER FROM HER EXPERIENCE. SUGGEST STARTING A NEW SENTENCE INSTEAD AND JUST TELL US TEARS FILL HER EYES - WE'LL GET THAT THEY'RE DUE TO THE PICTURE tears to fill her blue eyes IF WE'RE IN HER HEAD, YOU MAY WANT TO RETHINK TELLING US THAT HER EYES ARE BLUE. IT'S NOT RELEVANT TO THIS SCENE ANYWAY WHAT COLOR HER EYES ARE as sorrow welled up again. WE GET THAT SHE'S SORROWFUL FROM THE TEARS IN HER EYES. THIS IS REDUNDANT, AND SHOULD BE CUT ON EFFICIENCY GROUNDS ALONE, BUT IT'S ALSO MELODRAMATIC Her aunt leaned against a fountain and her pearly white smile, PEARLY WHITE SMILE IS AWKWARD AND A CLICHE wispy bangs, and shoulder-length auburn curls I THINK YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO SNEAK IN A DESCRIPTION (AND NOT A PARTICULARLY GOOD ONE) OF HER AUNT, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME HERE, BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE THOSE WOULD BE THE THINGS THAT WOULD SPARK A YOUNG GIRL'S MEMORIES reminded the girl of the good times she had shared with her. WORDY. HOW ABOUT "THEY HAD SHARED"? Sadly, those happy days had passed. AGAIN, REDUNDANT. IF HAPPY DAYS HAVE PASSED, BY DEFINITION THAT'S SAD. YOU DON'T NEED "SADLY" AND IT'S TOO SELF-CONSCIOUS ANYWAY. I'M NOT THAT CRAZY ABOUT "THOSE HAPPY DAYS HAD PASSED," EITHER. IT'S A CLICHE IN ITSELF AND THERE SHOULD BE A MORE INTERESTING WAY TO CONVEY THE IDEA The girl WE'RE IN THE GIRL'S HEAD, WHY DOESN'T SHE USE HER OWN NAME? mopped her eyes with the back of her hands, not wanting to cry. "NOT WANTING TO CRY" IS A CLAUSE TOO FAR HERE, I THINK, AND DOESN'T REALLY ADD ANYTHING TO THE SCENE. ANYWAY, IF SHE HAS TEARS IN HER EYES, ISN'T SHE ALREADY CRYING?

You get the idea. Hope that's helpful. Good luck!

JH

[martin shaw]

This is the critique forum, isn't it?

[Sunayna Prasad]

@Martin Shaw Yes it is.
@John Hawkwood Sorry I didn't indicate what I wanted to improve. It's showing rather than telling and making dialogue sound more natural.

[alice clay]

Remove every 3rd adjective and cross out the adverbs. You actually have something in here but you're over-explaining and dragging. The interesting part is when Uncle Bruce grabs the money. Everything else is just filler. When does the reader find out about the Africa connection?

[Sunayna Prasad]

It takes a few chapters until the reader finds out about Africa. So everything else isn't really a filler. What am I over-explaining and dragging? It would help if you gave me a sample.

[Amy Lou]

Hi Sunaya, I'm back to look this over. Although I do think the first sentence reads much better than the first time you posted, it's still a bit clunky. Again, there's an abundance of adjectives, and although you want your reader to envision a vivid picture, you need to give them the paint, not paint the picture for them. I know, sounds weird. I'll dig in and see what I find. I hope it helps. Obviously you have drive and imagination, that's most of it. Just need to do some trimming.
[QUOTE=Sunayna Prasad;1338079]

A thin girl of around twelve gazed at a framed picture of her aunt, causing tears to fill her blue eyes as sorrow welled up again. Her aunt leaned against a fountain and her pearly white smile, wispy bangs, and shoulder-length auburn curls reminded the girl of the good times she had shared with her (they'd shared). Sadly, those happy(don't need happy, because we know those days were good, you told us that already.) days had passed. The girl mopped her eyes with the back of her hands, not wanting to cry.(you can't mop tears with your hand. a tissue maybe, but skin doesn't soak, it smears. Also I want this girl to have a name right away, not just be called The Girl.)

In the picture Alyssa was lost in, she studied her aunt again. She didn't really need to, but somehow that summer day, captured on 4x6 paper, reminded Alyssa of memories they'd shared. Her aunt was leaning against a fountain as water glistened in the summer sun. It was her aunts smile that always drew her in, one that caused everyone else to smile wether they felt like it or not. Her wispy bangs fluttered to one sided and auburn curls caressed her shoulder. There must have been a breeze that day, Alyssa thought. The air around her felt stagnant now that her Aunt was gone. She smeared unwanted tears away with the back of her hand.

“Oh, Aunt Laura,” she sighed. “Why did you have to go?” this dialogue feels forced and the sigh is cliche. Think of a more original way to describe how she might sound.
"Why did she have to go?" Alyssa questioned, out of breath from pushing down sorrow.

I hope you don't mind that I reworked the first paragraph. It's not perfect either, but I feel it allows the reader to take hold of the brush and paint the picture. I don't tell you exactly what the aunt's smile looks like, just that it's contagious. Let the reader decide what they want her smile to be. By telling you she studied the picture again, the reader understands that this person was important to Alyssa. Also by giving The Girl a name up front, it allows the reader to connect with her. 'The girl' felt generic. It's doesn't matter that her eyes are blue, I don't think that detail is missed nor her age, that can develop as the reader moves along. Good luck.
Amylou

[C Bets]

Amy Lou! Glad you're back!

[Amy Lou]

Aww thanks C! Hey nice do! LOL

[Sunayna Prasad]

@Amy Lou I like your rewrite. It makes a difference. But can you look at my new paragraph? Here it is.


A thin girl of twelve years old named Alyssa Norris gazed at a picture of her aunt leaning against a fountain. Tears filled her blue eyes as she stared deeply into it. Her aunt’s diamond white smile glistened, and her wispy bangs and shoulder-length, auburn curls framed her face beautifully. Alyssa thought about her aunt and the good times they had. Sadly, those days had passed. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands until she could no longer feel tears.
“Oh, Aunt Laura,” she groaned. “Why did you have to go?”

What do you think?