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  1. #1
    Amy Lou
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    Cookie Cutter Neighbors

    I thought I'd follow and post something small over here for a change. I would love to know what others think, if it's interesting. Thanks for your time.

    Cookie Cutter Neighbors

    Kitty-corner neighbor, Mrs. Crystalmeth, owns a drug problem and two kids unwanted. She's married to Mr. Numbnutz, but accuses Mr. Bignutz of slipping her drugs the night she couldn't stand up, and putting something in her, she knows exactly what.

    Mr. Bignutz, who lives just up the hill, claims she was the seductress, sneaking into bars unseen where he just happens to be. Strutting in with country swagger, her ass cheeks sagging in cut off jeans, and the gap between the middle seam was enticing.

    She's no Cinderella, Mrs. Crystalmeth momma, a Honda Odyssey her carriage. But it won't turn into a gourd when the clock strikes its chord. She can stay out past dawn with insecurities to check off, a list miles long. Feeling validated by blurry shadows who are ignored by most girls.

    It's interesting how Mr. Bignutz seems to find himself in predicaments such as these: available chauffeur to a damsel in need, while his missis sleeps with a pillow tucked between unshaven knees; his kids are snug in bed, sweet dreams. And his missis, Mrs. Prickleknees, brags to the ladies that his manhood is too big to please. But deep within, it's not a man she sees in her fantasies. It's the one she watches from a bay window in the living room.

    The one being watched is Mrs. Chameleon, her home is across the pavement river. She's an alcoholic who vomits and adores her children, faked every orgasm with her husband since they met in college. But last year for the Halloween gathering, she purchased leather pants and a wife beater tank. Transformed hubby into Eric from True Blood, and when she plays Sookie, she's finally able to climax.

    In the cul-de-sac lives Mrs. Trophywife, had a mommy makeover last summer; her husband's suggestion. Except surgery can't change a face she hates, but it did perk up those breastfeeding tits, flattened her c-section belly and rounded out that squishy tush. Girl’s night at her house is a tour of the bonus room converted to the master suite, where a sex swing hangs from the ceiling. She thinks nothing of telling her friends, the box of toys meant for pleasuring derrières is for him.

    And I'm drowning in the suburbs with them. Someone throw me a lifeline.
    Last edited by Amy Lou; 09-06-2011 at 06:19 PM.



  2. #2
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
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    Cookie Cutter Neighbors

    Kitty-corner neighbor, Mrs. Crystalmeth, Perhaps you could reverse this, "Mrs. Crystalmeth, my (or- a) kitty-corner neighbor," it will read better. I like the opening, but flow is a little off. owns a drug problem and two kids unwanted. I'd change it to unwanted kids. I think it distracts from the rhythm instead of adding to it. She's married to Mr. Numbnutz, but accuses Mr. Bignutz of slipping her drugs the night she couldn't stand up, and putting something in her, she knows exactly what.

    Mr. Bignutz, who lives just up the hill, claims she was the seductress, sneaking into bars unseen where he just happens to be. Strutting in with country swagger, her ass cheeks sagging in cut off jeans, and the gap between the middle seam was enticing.

    She's no Cinderella, Mrs. Crystalmeth momma, a Honda Odyssey her carriage. But it won't turn into a gourd when the clock strikes its chord. She can stay out past dawn with insecurities to check off, a list miles long. Feeling validated by blurry shadows who are ignored by most girls. I think you can remove this paragraph. It doesn't add much to her character and you stay on her character for too long I think. If you want to add that she is insecure add a little something to the first part, like maybe change her name or something.

    It's interesting how Mr. Bignutz seems to find himself in predicaments such as these: available chauffeur to a damsel in need, while his missis sleeps with a pillow tucked between unshaven knees; his kids are snug in bed, sweet dreams. And his missis, I think you can just say "She" in place of "And his missis" because "missis" followed by "Mrs." doesn't roll right for me. And because you would be following "she" with "Mrs. Prickleknees" we know who she is.Mrs. Prickleknees, brags to the ladies that his manhood is too big to please. But deep within, it's not a man she sees in her fantasies. It's the one she watches from a bay window in the living room.

    The one being watched is Mrs. Chameleon, her home is across the pavement river. She's an alcoholic who vomits and adores her children, faked every orgasm with her husband since they met in college. But last year for the Halloween gathering, she purchased leather pants and a wife beater tank. Transformed hubby into Eric from True Blood, and when she plays Sookie, she's finally able to climax.

    In the cul-de-sac lives Mrs. Trophywife, had a mommy makeover last summer; her husband's suggestion. Except surgery can't change a face she hates, but it did perk up those breastfeeding tits, flattened her c-section belly and rounded out that squishy tush. Girl's night at her house is a tour of the bonus room converted to the master suite, where a sex swing hangs from the ceiling. She thinks nothing of telling her friends, the box of toys meant for pleasuring derrières is for him.

    And I'm drowning in the suburbs with them. Someone throw me a lifeline. I think it needs to be slightly stronger. Perhaps describe who this person is drowning the suburbs. Is she artsy? from the country? obviously she's feels out of place, so tell us why. I think it would make for a stranger finish. like "Two houses down is Mrs. Yeehaw from the country, easy to overlook, hard to fit in. That's me, drowning in the suburbs with the rest. Someone throw me a lifeline."

    Overall I like it. The grass is always greener, right. Aside from the opener, I think it has nice flow.
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice
    MC

  3. #3
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    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    You know I normally don't comment if I don't like something, but I think you've been here long enough to handle it.

    I don't understand why you're writing this kind of cutesy stuff. You're so much better, so much deeper than this. It's fluff. It's the kind of thing you write to get it out of your mind, and then toss it in a drawer. There might be a line or two you can use in something more substantial at some point (I didn't find such a line in this piece), but otherwise it's a kind of wheel-spinning writers do when they are trying to avoid the wrenching work of pulling apart their real WIP and taking another shot at it. It's snotty instead of witty or even sarcastic. And if your intention is to present a new, quirky slice-of-life perspective, that particular slice isn't new or quirky. It's cookie cutter writing.

    If I've said too much, I apologize. Of course, you can write what you want, and if you want to keep writing stuff like this, it's your beeswax and I won't mention it again and hope you're successful with it. I think you're wonderful no matter what you write, and I'm not trying to discourage you from posting anything you feel like posting.

    But I would encourage you to take on whatever it is you're trying to avoid, and let us help you with that. You have better writing in you.

    Again, just my opinion, feel free to ignore.
    Last edited by leslee; 09-07-2011 at 05:15 PM.

  4. #4
    Amy Lou
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    Miranda, thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate them! You are always so helpful and your instincts are so good. Going to write you, I promise! Hope the school year is going great! I'm sure you are busy as ever.

    Leslee, I'm actually happy and honored that you've commented. And I'm not upset in the least, as you said, I've been here long enough to handle anything. I wrote this piece for fun, to get better at what I am avoiding LOL my novel. I felt like I needed to work on my writing (and you of all people know I did need to do that), and so scared to tackle my ms again, so yes, I've been avoiding something as you've suggested above. This was a prose/poem that I did write for fun although came from inspiration about a novel I want to write. I participated in a flash fiction week on another site (Able Muse) and this was written from one of the prompts given. It was fun to write and others have enjoyed it probably because it was in the context of "flash fiction" daily prompt, but I understand everything you point out. I really do. I appreciate you saying I'm better and deeper than this. That's really nice and I'll take that as a compliment! How did you know I was avoiding something!! Well, that wasn't my original intention, but over time I've become insecure of tackling my ms again. You haven't said too much and your words were actually very kind and encouraging. I'm just afraid of writing a novel again, fearful that I can't do it. I thank you for your frankness and honesty.

  5. #5
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    I'm "afraid" to go back to my whatever-it-was, too, Amy Lou. But that's only because I've changed my outlook on life since I first began the darn thing.

    "Things change," and so do we. It would mean doing the whole thing over again, I 'spect.

    *_*

  6. #6
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    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    I'm just afraid of writing a novel again, fearful that I can't do it.

    That's what I sensed. How did I know? I've been doing this a long time, and I can tell when a writer is holding back.

    As it applies to you specifically, I have read stronger more risk-taking work from you in the past. I know you're fearful, but honey, that's exactly why you have to quit avoiding it. We've got to belly-up to the buzzsaw as writers and artists. We don't have the luxury of avoiding the things that scare us. It leads to disappointment and the feeling that we didn't do our best.

    My favorite quote on the subject comes from the great Japanese film director, Akira Kurosawa:

    "To be an artist means never to avert one's eyes."

    We have to look at what is hard to look at. It takes courage. But that's where the art comes in. Otherwise, it's just a j-o-b. No matter what it may be that frightens us, we must see it to be fulfilled as artists. See it and use it in our work. (Even if it drives us nuts, which sometimes happens.) Use your fear to motivate you. I'm sure you've done exactly that in other areas of your life.

    So take another look at your novel, and stop telling yourself you can't do it. That's just BS. I don't believe it.

    Think of what you would tell your children if they were avoiding something important because they were afraid. What would you say to them? Say it to yourself.

    (Pep talk complete)
    Last edited by leslee; 09-07-2011 at 06:12 PM.

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
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    Yes Kitty, I feel the same. When I started my ms, about 2 1/2 years ago, I was a different writer. Even though I'm still a beginner, I was just a baby then. LOL And my writing has matured thanks to you guys here and another that helped me a lot. Also my ideas have changed, and now I'm afraid of going back to my first novel. It's not interesting to me anymore. And I'm afraid to start a new one. I'm in purgatory with you!

    Leslee~Well, you get a star for being right about me avoiding something! But it can't hurt to write pieces like this, right? I do see your point, I'm spending a lot of time on these smaller pieces, because they're manageable. I of course would tell my children to not give up, but as moms we often hold them to a higher standard than we do ourselves. LOL I know, that makes no sense, but it's true. Thanks for the pep talk, I appreciate it. I have gone back to my ms, just the beginning chapters, with a new eye and making some really good changes. I finally see the problem with many of my sentences (structure) and over writing. So I do feel these small pieces have helped a great deal in finding my voice and technique. Alright, I've got my armor on and I'm going back into battle with you guys behind me!

  8. #8
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Why does this piece seem familiar? Didn't you post something similar (or maybe it was a version of the same one) before? Or am I imaging things?
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  9. #9
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    But it can't hurt to write pieces like this, right?

    What you write is up to you.

    Some folks would say the most important thing is to keep writing, no matter what you write.

    I'm glad you're taking another look at your novel.

    I've said enough about it.

  10. #10
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Imaging things? Well, I could be - but, I MEANT "imagining." I'm sure you figured that out.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

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