Roxane query, 2nd go

[SapphireBlue]

Thank you SO MUCH, everyone, for the tremendous help I got here! This clocks in under a page, so I'd love to know if you feel it's improved. Thanks!
...

Roxane stands atop a tower, watching birds of prey devour her stillborn brother. Uncertain of her position as heir to her dying father’s kingdom, she dares to dream of a new world: enemy races united, spreading wisdom across the known world. Only one man can help her fulfill her destiny: Alexander the Great.

Roxane seals her kingdom's fate when she bribes the priesthood and receives their help in bringing her to Alexander’s side. But there is one obstacle she cannot abide: the jealous scheming of Alexander’s best friend, Hephaestion. When he kills her best friend, then convinces Alexander to take a second wife for political reasons, Roxane’s fury rages beyond control: she poisons Hephaestion.

Losing his friend sends Alexander into a rampage of self-destruction, and Roxane can never confess what she has done. Alexander dies, leaving the empire in chaos with every general fighting for control. Widowed and pregnant, surrounded by powerful enemies, Roxane must save her life and that of her son.

ROXANE is an 86,000-word historical fiction in the tradition of Valerio Massimo Manfredi and Philippa Gregory.

I hold two cum laude master’s degrees and a BA from the University of Iowa where I participated in the Writer’s Workshop. My poetry and short works have been published in over a dozen journals, including The Missouri Review, Potpourri, The Wisconsin Review, Borderlands: Texas Poetry Review, and The Atlanta Review.

Thank you very much for your time!

[C Bets]

Very nice, Sav! I can't see a thing terribly wrong with it whatsoever. Excellent work.

[SapphireBlue]

Woo hoo!! A compliment from C is a compliment indeed. Thank you so much. I am sending one out in the mail, today, then!

[C Bets]

Ah, well, don't take my word for it! LOL No, really - I do think you polished it quite nicely. Could very well be some minor things anyone could point out, but all-in-all I thought it summed up the story quite nicely, was clear and concise and I still love the opening hook. You know as well as anyone that we tend to second-guess and start tweaking QLs to death until nothing makes sense anymore, especially with a dozen people weighing in. My opinion is that it's done well and I'd send it out if it were mine.

Good luck, hon!

[Smiling Curmudgeon]

Sapphire,

I have some comments. Take 'em for what they're worth, which is exactly what ya' paid for em.

Lezz start at the bottom of your Q. Others have suggested you get rid of the mention of the two cum laude degrees. Why? Cuz it ain't likely yer dream agent gives a fat frog's ass about degrees unless they relate directly to your writing. Ask yourself whether your ego is getting in the way of your query. I don't mean your hard work to earn those degrees is useless or meaningless. Merely offering the thought that it has no value in your Q. You seem to be wedded to that part, though.

Now to the body of your query. These are merely my opinions. Don't hesitate to ignore any or all of them.

My comments are in CAPS. Not yelling at you. Just making them easier to see.

So, let's see if we can swan along and have some fun.

Roxane stands atop a tower, watching birds of prey devour her stillborn brother. THIS IS A KILLER OPENING SENTENCE. WOULD IT BE EVEN BETTER IF YOU ADD A WORD OR TWO, NO MORE THAN THAT, TO GIVE YOUR DREAM AGENT A HINT WHO ROXANNE IS? iS SHE A PRINCESS, WHORE, LAUNDRESS? Uncertain of her position as heir to her dying father’s kingdom, she dares to dream of a new world: enemy races united, spreading wisdom across the known world. Only one man can help her fulfill her destiny: Alexander the Great. THIS IS WAY TOO BUSY FOR THIS RAGGEDY OL' READER. TOO MUCH STUFF INTRODUCED IN ONE SENTENCE. YOU'VE TRIED TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND A ROYAL, HER DREAM OF A NEW WORLD, WISDOM, THE KNOWN WORLD, AND ALEXANDER. ALL IN TWO SENTENCES. I'M NOT SURE THIS IS A GOOD Q OPENING. YOU'VE GOT THE ELEMENTS OF CONFLICT. THAZZ GOOD. I BET YOU CAN FIND A BETTER WAY TO SHOW THAT.

Roxane seals her kingdom's fate WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? HER KINGDOM IS BETTER OFF, WORSE OFF? when she bribes the priesthood THIS IS MEANINGLESS FILLER IN A Q, I THINK. OTHERS MAY STRONGLY DISAGREE. and receives their help in bringing her to Alexander’s side. I'M LOST. WHY AND HOW IS SHE BROUGHT TO ALEXANDER'S SIDE? FAR AS I CAN DISCERN, THERE IS NO CONNECTION. But there is one obstacle she cannot abide: ABIDE IS NOT A STRONG ENOUGH WORD. the jealous scheming of Alexander’s best friend, Hephaestion. When he kills her best friend, then convinces Alexander to take a second wife for political reasons, Roxane’s fury rages beyond control: DOESN'T RAGE MEAN BEYOND CONTROL? IF THAT'S THE CASE, YOU CAN EASILY DELETE "BEYOND CONTROL." she poisons Hephaestion.

Losing his friend sends Alexander into a rampage of self-destruction, INSTEAD OF SELF-DESTRUCTION, CONSIDER ONE OR TWO SPECIFICS THAT SHOW HIS SELF-DESTRUCTION. HE DRINKS UNTIL HE FALLS DOWN, GAMBLES, WHATEVER. MY FEEBLE POINT IS EVERY WORD IS IMPORTANT. SHOW SOMETHING ABOUT ALEXANDER. and Roxane can never confess what she has done. Alexander dies, leaving the empire in chaos with every general fighting for control. Widowed and pregnant, surrounded by powerful enemies, Roxane must save her life and that of her son.

OKAY, CAPS off. You've written a short synopsis of your tale, I think. It's dry. Flat. You want your Q to make your dream agent sit up and say, "I gotta ask for this manuscript right now!" This attempt doesn't make this reader believe your dream agent will do so.

Don't hesitate to ignore my comments.

I do give you props foir your publishing credentials. Missouri Review gives you chops. Save the pub creds. Lose the degrees.

Cur

[Joe Zeff]

An excellent query. Alas, I have one minor nitpick: the birds eating Roxane's brother's corpse would be vultures, not birds of prey.

[SapphireBlue]

Joe: Dang, yes, in the ms it says "scavengers" and I have no idea why I did that in the query. Thanks.

So far I've had one "No, thanks" and one "Too dark for me!"

Smiling: thanks! Try this?

..

A princess of Persia, Roxane, stands atop a tower as scavenger birds devour her stillborn brother. Frightened, alone, uncertain of her position as heir to her dying father’s kingdom, she dares to dream of uniting her destiny with that of Alexander the Great.

Roxane bribes the priesthood and receives their help in bringing her to Alexander’s side. But when Alexander’s jealous friend, Hephaestion, schemes against Roxane even to the point of committing murder, Roxane’s fury rages: she secretly poisons Hephaestion.

The loss of his dearest childhood friend sends Alexander into drunken rampages that ruin his health. He dies, leaving the empire in chaos with every general fighting for control. Widowed and pregnant, surrounded by powerful enemies, Roxane must save her life and that of her son.

..

As you can see, in the comments above, I did lose the degrees from the query. and as I said above, it wasn't "ego," just me trying to stick out of the crowd a little bit. But they're gone.

[Lea Zalas]

Sapphire, I think it's pretty good. But would it help to add to your last sentence, just what she does to save her and her baby's lives. Roxane bribes or threatens every ally Alexander had, to gain their support and save her and her baby's lives.

Since I don't know what she does to save their lives, this is just an example. Good luck.

Lea

[Smiling Curmudgeon]

Sapphire,

I think your Q above is much better. It prolly still needs some work, but it's getting closer. Much closer.

Read it with an eye to sentence structure. Seems to me your structure is the same in every sentence. Does it seem that way to you. Read it out loud.

If you agree, look for ways to vary the structure. Hope that makes sense.

Feel free to ignore.

Cur

[Matthew Bishop]

Sap,

I would keep the bit about the priesthood, it adds an element-- I'm not sure which element, but it is an element!

I also agree with Cur-- keep the part about where you have been previously published.

As an historian, I commend you-- historical fiction is a very tricky thing and it takes a lot of intricate work and research. The question of whether or not the Great Alex ever had a Little Alex is still debated today, and I think anyone with a knowledge of classical history will have a natural interest in your work.