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Thread: The Healing

  1. #11
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Thank you, Margaret! I did do a slight revision before I subbed. Thanks for taking the time to read!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should



  2. #12
    martin shaw
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    Needs shrinking down.

    You can make this hit home

    Err, 'twilight sky.'

    I could go on, but don't want to offend

  3. #13
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, martin! I'm sure there are several ways to improve this one. Shrinking it down to, say, poem status may be another format I should consider. Is that what you mean? Please, go on!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  4. #14
    martin shaw
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    A painted twilight sky in hues of crimson, brought out lavender and orange in accompaniment, as if chosen by Apollo himself. Everything was more vivid than I had remembered. The golden bluffs on the horizon edged the river, where shimmering sequins danced like insect water boatman on a midsummer stream. I leaned against an old wooden railing in ore.

    A maple tree rustled in the breeze, a lament recognized by every living thing on this earth.

  5. #15
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    How did I miss this? Very nice, CC.

  6. #16
    Dana
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    The twilight sky painted crimson, lavender and orange, was more vivid than I remembered. On the horizon, a golden aura outlined the bluffs. Below them the river sparkled, a splash of sequins danced across it. I leaned against the park’s railing mesmerized by the beauty of it all. Why had I never really noticed before?

    A perfectly shaped maple tree gently rustled in the breeze, as if trying to gain my attention...
    Last edited by Dana ; 10-08-2011 at 01:25 PM.

  7. #17
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by martin shaw View Post
    A painted twilight sky in hues of crimson, brought out lavender and orange in accompaniment, as if chosen by Apollo himself. Everything was more vivid than I had remembered. The golden bluffs on the horizon edged the river, where shimmering sequins danced like insect water boatman on a midsummer stream. I leaned against an old wooden railing in ore.

    A maple tree rustled in the breeze, a lament recognized by every living thing on this earth.
    See - just not quite your caliber, martin. That was lovely.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  8. #18
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jena Grace View Post
    How did I miss this? Very nice, CC.
    Thank you, Jena!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  9. #19
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    CB, I liked Martin's revision. it conveys the images more clearly.

    I think you already submitted the piece, so my comments won't matter. This raggedy ol' reader thinks it's too short. More important, there's nothing to make me care about the piece. That is, who is the narrator? Is it Alexander The Great as he crosses a mountain pass and stops to pee? Is it Hitler on his last venture outside the bunker? Is it Ron Paul beginning to smell the White House? Those are stupid examples, of course, but this reader wants something to connect me to the narrator.

    It doesn't have to be lengthy, but something. I'm offeriing all this lengthy bull**** 'cuz I believe even a very short piece needs to connect to the narrator in some way.

    Otherwise, it's like marketing material in a travel brochure. You know, the description below the montage of photos.

    Your writing's fine, but consider adding a snippet to make me care.

    Cur

  10. #20
    martin shaw
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    That's right!!!

    It was very hard to re-write/ edit, whatever? So I know you have put a great deal of work into this. The energy is great. Also, the piece is so worth keeping for you to hone as you improve.

    You have talent.

    Keep on, keeping on; you'll get better and better

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