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  1. #1
    Michele Bass
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    Another attempt - Betrayal Query

    Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. I am new at this and am learning how difficult the process really is. Thanks to all of you who have commented in the past.

    Half-vampire/half-witch, Ashlyn Shea has spent her life looking over her shoulder. She is a rare hybrid whose blood is extremely valuable. Anyone who consumes it will become invincible making her the most coveted prize to any malicious immortal.

    Dimitri Cassadine, the leader of the rival Stratton Coven, is driven by an insatiable hunger for power. In his quest to conquer all, he is relentless in his attempts to abduct Ashlyn. He kills her parents and kidnaps her cousin Rose to use as a bargaining tool.

    With the help of an estranged cousin and his friends, Ashlyn looks for leads on Rose. In the process she gets kidnapped by a deranged shifter and her new friends risk their lives to save her, quickly learning the hardships of being a crossbreed. Ashlyn gets close to this band of travelers, especially Cole Stratton, but she discovers he is the true heir to the Stratton Coven. She doesn't know who she should trust. Ashlyn discovers that Cole plans to hand her over to Dimitri and becomes enraged. She reaches out to her coven and they imprison her traitorous associates. Only after they are tortured does Ashlyn find Rose in the cell next to theirs. She is confused and learns that Cole was never going to deceive her; she only heard half the plot. She betrayed her friends and her coven is guilty of treason. Ashlyn will need to beg them for forgiveness as she will need their help if she is ever to learn the truth.

    Betrayal is a 101,000-word fantasy novel.



  2. #2
    Senior Member SapphireBlue's Avatar
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    These are just my suggestions; I am no expert at query letters. And a lot of people can feel offended when others "take" their queries and re-word them; offense is not my intention, it's just the way I work best with re-wording suggestions. So I hope that's okay.


    Ashlyn Shea has spent her life looking over her shoulder. She is a rare hybrid whose blood is extremely valuable: Anyone who consumes it will become invincible.

    Dimitri Cassadine, the leader of the Stratton Coven, is driven by an insatiable hunger for power. He kills Ashlyn's parents and kidnaps her cousin to use as a tool to bring Ashlyn to him.

    In seeking her cousin, Ashlyn is kidnapped by a band of travelers. While her friends risk their lives to save her, Ashlyn discovers he is the true heir to the Stratton Coven. No longer knowing whom she should trust, Ashlyn hears that Cole, the leader of the band, plans to hand her over to Dimitri.

    She manages to get a communication to her coven (?) and they capture and imprison her traitorous associates. Only after they are tortured does Ashlyn find her cousin in the cell next to her own (?). She learns that she had only overheard half the plot, and Cole never intended to deceive her. Now Ashlyn will need to beg for forgiveness and aid, if she is ever to learn the truth.

    Betrayal is a 101,000-word fantasy novel.

    Does this help at all? I found some of your details to jump confusingly, leaving me to guess at the connections. Is this aiding you in clarifying? I hope so.

  3. #3
    Michele Bass
    Guest
    Thank you for your help. Please let me know if this sounds any better.

    Ashlyn Shea's parents have been murdered and her cousin has been kidnapped all because she is a rare crossbreed whose blood will make any immortal invincible.

    Dimitri Cassadine, the leader of the rival Stratton Coven, is driven by an insatiable hunger for power. In his quest to conquer all, he is relentless in his attempts to abduct Ashlyn.

    Ashlyn is seized while seeking her cousin. Her new friends risk their lives and save her. When she is out of harm's way, she learns that one of her rescuers is the true heir to the Stratton Coven and overhears his plan to hand her over to Dimitri. Ashlyn gets a communication to her coven and they capture and imprison her traitorous associates. Only after they are tortured does Ashlyn make her way down into the prison to make a gruesome discovery. Her cousin is sitting in the cell next to them. Her own coven has been disloyal and she finds out her companions were not going to deceive her. Ashlyn will need to devise a plan to free them all and she will also need to beg for their forgiveness and aid if she is ever to learn the truth.

    Betrayal is a 101,000-word fantasy novel.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Sep 2010
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    227
    Hi Michele,

    Some thoughts from me:

    To kill parents and kidnap a cousin is different. I hope your MS hooks your reader into Michele's relationship with her cousin, and shows the reader the two have a special bond, so much so that it's this bond that's more important than a child/parent bond (and somehow your antagonist knows this).

    Your QL needs to flow; I found I re-read many sentences to understand what's going on.
    Your first three lines all contain the subject of kidnapping. The first sentence it's the cousin, then the antogonist wanting to capture Ash, then Ash getting herself captured. It seems like overkill to me.
    Your story line seems a bit flawed, Dimitri wants to abduct Ash and appears he does very early in your MS (I'm assuming this because your flow of events in your QL indicate this) so kill her, take her blood and job done.

    Your QL needs to be clear regarding what's the conflict and why your Pro cares to resolve it. Your QL is vague in this regard, the cousin is kidnapped, why or what entices Ash to find her? Most kidnappings come with a ransom outlining the stakes, you don't elude to this. If it's her blood then it should be clear if it's a drop or all of it (again the stakes).

    I think you should start over.

    DK

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