Query letter critique

[David Balzarini]

i've just started submitting with this query but i keep wanting to improve. thoughts welcome. thanks!

Dear name of agent
Colin Wyle has nightmares of violence and horrifying visions of Duemos, a female demon who is a purveyor of souls. For months he experiences death and violence through the eyes of strangers. When he dreams of a close friend, Yolanda, battling an abusive husband for her life and the lives of her children, Colin takes action and kills the abuser. The next day the local news covers the story, confirming the dream was actually reality. Now, in his quest for redemption, he must confront Duemos and her dark influence--What he finds is the revelation of his origin and a truth beyond this world.
Sinners & Saints is a paranormal thriller complete at 65,000 words. It is my first novel and book one of a potential four book series. Readers of Ted Dekker’s novels Immanuel’s Veins and The Priest’s Graveyard will like this.
I am writing to you because you are an AAR member.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

It is my first novel and book one of a potential four book series.

Take that out. You don't tell the agent it's your first novel or part of a series in a query letter. If they actually show some interest in your work, you can talk about it then.

I am writing to you because you are an AAR member.

Take that out.

violence and horrifying visions
death and violence
dark influence

This is all telling, no showing, and does not reflect any writing style whatsoever. Your letter will be one in a stack of dozens of letters. What is unique about your book? Why should an agent ask to see your manuscript? What you're presenting here is very ordinary.

complete at 65,000 words.

Don't tell them it's complete. It's expected to be complete or you wouldn't be sending a letter.

Best of luck to you.

[SapphireBlue]

I agree about taking out the whole "AAR" reference. Also, I did not see in your query how the real world's problems are influenced by the demon. Show the connection between them, and how the mc knows there's a connection. 65,000 words is very short for anything other than YA. Good luck!

[C Bets]

I think you also need to be a little more specific about Duemos's role in all this. It's not clear. How is she involved? (ETA: sorry, Sav - didn't see your post until after I entered mine)

Also: For months he experiences death and violence through the eyes of strangers. When he dreams of a close friend, Yolanda, battling an abusive husband for her life and the lives of her children, Colin takes action and kills the abuser. The next day the local news covers the story, confirming the dream was actually reality.

Seems to me you could condense this whole idea. For instance: He has had disturbing dreams for months now, dreams where he commits unspeakable acts of violence. When the local news confirms those dreams are real, his quest for redemption begins. Or, something to that effect.

Just a couple suggestions/observations. Hope it helps.

Good luck!

[Jena Grace]

I am writing to you because you are an AAR member.

FYI, David, there are many excellent agents who adhere to AAR standards without actually being members.

[David Balzarini]

Thanks so much guys for all of your input. i've pasted a new revised query here at the bottom. thoughts are encouraged! thanks again for your help.

For the past three years, money, expensive cars and beautiful women have consumed Colin Wyle. You might say he had a mid-life crisis at the age of twenty-eight. But one night when he went to sleep, he had a nightmare that changed his life forever—he became someone else in his dream and saw demons among people, influencing them, whispering dark things. He tried to hide from them, but Deumos, a purveyor of souls, grabbed hold of him. For many nights after, his spirit inhabited other people through his dreams and he saw street violence and war first hand. To remedy the condition, Colin met with doctors, used experimental drugs, and consumed a lot of alcohol. When nothing helped, he began to suspect his dreams might be more than they seem. To further complicate matters, Deumos appeared to him in a vision during the day, and his erratic behavior caused his workplace to suspect drug use—threatening his career.
When he dreamt of his close friend and colleague Yolanda, battling her abusive husband for her life and her children, Colin took control of the host body (Yolanda) and killed the abuser. The following morning, the local news covered the story and confirmed the dream was a real event. Now, Colin embraced his dreams as his life’s purpose and sought redemption for those he harmed. His quest lead him to The Moroccan, a club fronting a teen prostitution ring and two young girls he must save. To complete his task, Colin must come face to face with the prince of this world—who doesn’t want Colin dead; he wants his soul.
SINNERS & SAINTS is a suspense thriller complete at 65,000 words and available upon request. Fans of Anne Rice or Ted Dekker will like this.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

[David Balzarini]

Thanks so much guys for all of your input. i've pasted a new revised query here at the bottom. thoughts are encouraged! thanks again for your help.

Dear (AGENT),

For the past three years, money, expensive cars and beautiful women have consumed Colin Wyle. You might say he had a mid-life crisis at the age of twenty-eight. But one night when he went to sleep, he had a nightmare that changed his life forever—he became someone else in his dream and saw demons among people, influencing them, whispering dark things. He tried to hide from them, but Deumos, a purveyor of souls, grabbed hold of him. For many nights after, his spirit inhabited other people through his dreams and he saw street violence and war first hand. To remedy the condition, Colin met with doctors, used experimental drugs, and consumed a lot of alcohol. When nothing helped, he began to suspect his dreams might be more than they seem. To further complicate matters, Deumos appeared to him in a vision during the day, and his erratic behavior caused his workplace to suspect drug use—threatening his career.
When he dreamt of his close friend and colleague Yolanda, battling her abusive husband for her life and her children, Colin took control of the host body (Yolanda) and killed the abuser. The following morning, the local news covered the story and confirmed the dream was a real event. Now, Colin embraced his dreams as his life’s purpose and sought redemption for those he harmed. His quest lead him to The Moroccan, a club fronting a teen prostitution ring and two young girls he must save. To complete his task, Colin must come face to face with the prince of this world—who doesn’t want Colin dead; he wants his soul.
SINNERS & SAINTS is a suspense thriller complete at 65,000 words and available upon request. Fans of Anne Rice or Ted Dekker will like this.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

[David Balzarini]

another crack at the query. thoughts still encouraged and appreciated.

Dear agent,

Every night Colin Wyle lives vicariously through another person in his dreams—and does horrible things.
Attractive, successful and charismatic is how friends describe Colin Wyle, but his dreams are bringing about erratic behavior and causing suspicion at work that he may not be the clean cut UCLA grad they think he is.
When he starts having visions during the day of a demon who appears to seduce him for her wicked pleasure, he comes to the chilling realization that his dreams may be more than just dreams…
Sinners & Saints is a fast paced suspense thriller at 75000 words, available on request, and a potential series.
Thank you for your time and consideration.