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  1. #1
    Tanya Thibodeau

    A different approach in attempt to nail the outline of Awakening

    Deleted at OP's request.

  2. #2
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Hello Tanya,

    Well, I'm not a huge fan of sci fi or fantasy, but I was rather caught up in this story. You must have summarized it well enough to get my attention and keep it to the end.

    I do like the other poster's suggested version, too. Yet, I have to be honest. The part about Caelsah being the boy in her dreams is what clinched it for me. And, leaving that out may be a mistake, imo.

    I'm hardly an expert here as I mentioned, so I'd be interested to read what others have to say. But, I hope this helps somewhat.

    Good luck to you!

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  3. #3
    Member Lawrence Tabak's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    lava serum? cold sweat? Do you really think that this will capture more attention that my previous suggestion: "Every fifteen-year-old girl must sometimes feel otherworldly; unsettled in both body and spirit. For Amanda, these feelings prove to be all too true, when she suddenly discovers that she is not only adopted, but literally of a different world."

    Think of it this way: the agent is thumbing through 100s of queries a week, giving many just a glance. (My agent recently told me that she currently reviews about 1,000 queries and manuscripts for every signed client.) He or she is looking for something that is not only special, but commercial. So it's never just about the story, but it's always about the audience. Hence my approach: connect your story to a deep and appealing aspect of the broad readership. Your plot is not going to sell your book -- the story has to BE about something. So, my young grasshopper, what aspect of the young reader's heart does your arrow pierce. Write about that.

  4. #4
    Tanya Thibodeau
    Thank you Cindy, I really appreciate your feedback and comments. This is the kind of stuff I'm trying to determine, obviously I'm already biased to my characters and since I know them better than anyone, it's so hard for me to tell what bits 'draw me in'. I switched gears on my request for feedback because I felt that I was needing to know more about what was enticing to others.

    Lawrence, I did read your post on my other thread and I appreciate your feedback. Just to clarify - the piece above is NOT what will end up in my "query" but it is my intention to learn more about what other people find enticing from this synopsis. Nancy Galt is one of the agents I had queried with one of my previous query letters and her feedback was very enlightening in that she stated that she was drawn to Amanda through my query and did not feel the connection with her that she knew I would need her to feel in order to best represent me. It was this feedback that set me on the mission of trying to flesh out what components of my story best help to create that connection.

    You're not the first to suggest that lava serum and cold sweats have no place in a "query letter" and fair enough I do understand that an excerpt from the book is not desireable in a query. Whether or not it captures more attention than your above suggestion I think is subjective and depends on the reader and the nature of the piece being read. To be honest, your bit above doesn't overly draw me in as I find it somewhat vague. I also have the advantage of knowing that you have misinterpretting a component of my story in that Amanda is not adopted, there are other reasons why she didn't know she was an elf or that she had a twin - but in previous versions of my query I received a large number of suggestions that stated that focusing on that particular point was not doing anything for the quality of my query.

    I fully agree that it's not just about the story, but always about the audience - as I mentioned, it is this connection that I am trying to flesh out. I appreciate your last question, as that really does cut to the chase - I will ponder that and see what I come up with.

    In the meantime, the questions that I am looking for feedback on at the moment from piece above is simply:
    How does the piece present in general?
    Does it inspire any connection to the MC at all?
    Does it create a desire to know more?

    To add to this, I would also be interested in knowing what specifically draws your interest the most.

    Thanks again everyone!

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Below is an outline that was suggested by a poster in another forum based on the above synopsis


    the world she has known up until now is shattered

    No. Cliche. Meaningless.

    Amanda and her twin are destined to be the most powerful elves their kind has seen in centuries.

    No. Unintentionally reads like a joke. Oh, those powerful little elves.

    nothing will be able to stop him.

    No. Cliche.

    Write your own. This one isn't good enough.

    As to what you have written:

    The risk? This rapid, intense development of magical powers, simply put, could kill her.

    Why do you need "simply put" in this sentence? You don't.

    The risk?
    The consequence of failure?
    The catch?
    The extra catch?

    Come on. An agent doesn't want to play games like this. Just write the thing without trying to be cute.

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