HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Copper Glaze Sienna

    Thought I'd join you guys in the poetry section. Here's a piece I wrote recently. Hope you enjoy!
    Amylou

    Copper Glaze Sienna is more than a color
    in a tube of lipstick.
    It's more than a glittery copper sunset
    translated into wax for smothering lips.
    This small harmless item
    could put the fear of God in me
    when placed upon a blank canvas
    that was my mother's face.
    To have this effect, it had to be solitary,
    a rushed afterthought in a fit of rage.
    The only color shimmering
    against splotchy skin and neutral lashes.
    Think, Mommy Dearest, bent coat hangers and all.
    It was her attempt at looking presentable
    on a day she was out for blood.

    Saturday morning's,
    while most children were watching Smurf's
    with syrup on their breath
    from a pancake hangover,
    I lived in fear, hiding under my canopy bed,
    bitting my nails to nubs.

    Her tyrant would begin early,
    Copper Glaze Sienna her sole companion.
    A bond I recognized early on.
    With orange lips puckered tight,
    she would start just after breakfast was served.
    Slamming cabinets, screaming
    she was not the African American maid.
    Except, she didn't use the word African American,
    it just didn't deliver the same impact.
    Then the fighting would crank up
    like a satisfied lover, starting soft
    under her breath mumbles,
    increasing to a harmonious climax.
    Only, her needs weren't being met
    of course I didn't know this yet.

    So there began a yelling match
    between a resentful wife
    and a checked out husband,
    where threats of leaving never to return
    became the norm.
    There wasn't a name to be called that was off limits,
    I knew them all by nine.
    Her fits were a close relative
    to the summer storms that made me cry.
    Quick approaching, dangerous
    with heavy rain,
    you thought the world was going to end.
    But like all things, the storm would calm
    the sun would shine it's promise.
    And Copper Glaze Sienna wouldn't look so evil
    alongside blue lids with noir lashes,
    flawless skin with rosy cheeks.
    She would become mom again.

    My Saturdays are now spent lounging
    around in pj's with my kids
    watching cartoons through their eyes.
    No ones in a hurry
    or yelling,
    and the house is messy but I don't care.
    My brother's family is not so lucky.
    He's carrying on mother's tradition
    only his family has no warning
    a storm is coming.
    Copper Glaze Sienna is not his color.
    Last edited by Amy Lou; 07-24-2011 at 06:27 PM.



  2. #2
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    1,265
    Such a personal, powerful piece. Enjoyed reading very much.

    However, and this is just my opinion, I think the following should be taken out:

    But like all things, the storm would calm
    the sun would shine it's promise.
    And Copper Glaze Sienna wouldn't look so evil
    alongside blue lids with noir lashes,
    flawless skin with rosy cheeks.
    She would become mom again.


    It doesn't belong. This is a person reliving a nightmarish part of her childhood, and smoothing it over midstream like that takes the intensity out of it.

    I like the last stanza. There's something amiss, however. Can't quite put my finger on it. I think it has to do with the last line. I know what you want to say, but the thought doesn't accurately reflect it. Maybe something like (and note the punctuation correction):

    He's carrying on mother's tradition,
    only his family has no warning
    a storm is coming.
    They've never seen Copper Glaze Sienna.

    I don't know -- that may not be right, either. Play with it a little.

    Last: get rid of the apostrophe in Saturday morning's

    Anyway, I'm not a poetry expert, but that's my take on it. Nice!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  3. #3
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Hey Cindy! You found me! LOL I posted this one here but never got any response, so thanks a lot. It's really quiet on this side of the forum.

    Thanks for your comments, I've never written poetry before but Martin had encouraged me to concentrate on small pieces and I loved the process. It's manageable, vs an entire novel. I appreciate your comments, and I really do see what you mean about the glossing over with the storm passing. And also the last stanza and the stupid punctuation error!!! UGH

    I want to rework this piece and make it better, your suggestions are so appreciated! This was fun to write. Thanks again.

  4. #4
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    1,265
    You're welcome! I've done some poetry myself and I agree it's a much more managable genre. LOL Yes, I'd really encourage you to work more with this one. I think it has potential!
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    3,866
    Her tyrant would begin early,
    Should this be tirade?

    I'm not into poetry, but I admit I loved this.

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Darn Jena, yes, and that was edited before but for some reason didn't make it when I posted here! UGH Yes it should be tirade - God, I feel stupid LOL Thanks for catching this.

    It was healing and fun to write. Thank you so much for letting me know how much you liked it!!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts