When Death Knocks (working title) A Short Story

[Miranda Clementine]

Tinman- thank you for the crit. I have had trouble with that sentence and have changed it many times, looks like another try is in the works... lol About the rose part, and perhaps you can offer me some insight, but at the opening of the scene, he is remembering past affairs, with a woman he has loved and adored since high school. Once he sees whats going on inside the bedroom, he snaps. What I would like to know is, did it work for you before you got to the part were he snaps? Sorry, but my lingo on what man calls a woman's "rose" is limited... lol

Amy- thanks, can't wait. (:

Claire- I'm not sure what steamy fiction publishers or readers expect. I don't think this would be considered steamy fiction, I think they expect more detail than this. I did want to titillate a little but overall, this was only about the point at which the guy snaps and why. Also, "Mud slows its escape..." I first wrote it "Mud has slowed it's escape..." It just meant that he had been standing in the mug for a little while. This was my thinking... When you first step into mud, it sloshes through the tread of a boot, when you stand there for a little bit, the mud still squishes out the sides from underneath but at a slower speed than when it was first stepped on, before ultimately settling. But it's cool, thank you for your perspective. (:

Diane- I'm glad you like it, thank you for letting me know!

leslee- Sorry it's too long... I did part it out. (: But I understand, thank you for clicking.

David- You totally got me!!! I don't know if you know how happy that makes me. I know the others grasped it (and I'm so happy they did), but your words tell me you totally got it. Thank you for commenting. And just a little FYI. I was only planning on this being a short story, but now I have so many ideas about what happens next that I just might expand on it. In my original story, he didn't get a chance to kill himself, I wasn't sure who, but someone stopped him before he could do it. Once I figured out it would be the daughter, I had to think of their relationship and how she would react, how he would react in his deranged frame of mind (because he had no intentions of killing his wife when he stopped by to get something from the garage)... so anyways, there you have it. Thank you!

Shaun- I'm glad you liked it. And yes, the opinion of "just" a reader matters greatly. As Tinman said once "if you can read, I can learn from you." Or some such like that. (: And the CYLINDER!!! Thank you, I couldn't think of what it was called, and didn't want to ask my hubs... lol You "chamber" the rounds, duh. Thank you. As for "delicate," I was thinking of using "precious" but then I kept thinking of hobbits, I didn't want my reader thinking about hobbits... lol but perhaps, after your illuminating comments on the subject, perhaps I will run the risk of the ring. (: Love your new pic BTW, too cute! and still miss your old [smilies]

Thank you all again.

[Shaun .]

I get your first sentence, but do think you can better discribe the way the mud sucked to the bottom of his boots.

Sorry for the typo.

Love your new pic BTW, too cute!

Yeah, I know. It's my eyes. The ladies just go gaga over 'em. That, plus my lips... Oh, you're talkin' 'bout my son. (embarrassed)

[Miranda Clementine]

It's your luscious lips, delectable goatee and smooth tanned... Oh wait wait, yeah it's the kid, your son, he's cute.

I don't mind the typos (I know others may give them notice), I only appreciate the help you were kind enough to offer. (:

[Amy Lou]

First off, WARNING: violence, sex and foul language ahead. Also thanks for looking!! I would love to receive some opinions/critiques on this piece. It’s another short story I’ve been working on to practice my technique, so all honest critiques are welcome.

I broke this up into two parts because I need more help with the second part than the first and it’s a bit long. I’m sure the first half needs work as well, but I’m less confident with the second part because of the action (among other things) involved. Overall the story is 1347 words long, but the first part is 477 and the second is 870. I think if you start off with the second part it will make enough sense for a critique but the first part really brings it together. So…



Part one (for part 2 go to my next post):

Mud slows its escape from under Jake’s boots. The once flourishing grass, now brown and shriveled, is forgotten. Only his bedroom window maintains his focus as familiar music penetrates the night from within. When clouds clear the waning moon, his breath is barely visible as its vapor returns to the atmosphere. It distracts him and his debating ends. Although I think this is a pretty paragraph, nice descriptions, I would love to see it start in with the sentence below. I got distracted by the mud, moon, grass, his breath.

With eager fingertips he inspects the window’s edge and tests the latch; it’s unlocked. Sliding it open, quietly, just an inch, like he had a hundred times before when they would play one of their lovers’ games.

The games were her idea, but he never objected, and this had been his favorite. He would stand outside the window and spy. First, she’d strip, innocently, as if there was no audience. Sometimes, she’d gaze at her reflection while examining her beautiful can you give me a better word than beautiful? That's so generic, what is her figure like, lean, curvy, ample ? figure; as if scrutinizing her flaws. Comb her raven hair, skimming the nipples of her full breasts with each stroke. Subtle prompts which allowed him to be rapt in his role. Jake was the thief, she, the precious gem. Oooo role play!

Next, he’d watch his victim climb across her bed, reach into the nightstand for her toy of choice and then prime his treasure.

Soft music would play while she pleasured her delicate rose Not sure about delicate rose either. It's fine and I don't mind it but what about Soft music played while she pleasured where she was hottest, where she ached for him. Girl, what do we call this thing! LOL and he waited, hungrilyCan you show me what it looks like for him to wait hungrily? Is his jaw clinched, lust in his eyes., for his cue to take stage. He’d allow her to climax, his spying heightened her excitement and she’d always peak swiftly, before slipping through the window to steal her goods.This last sentence is off to me. I don't think you need He'd allow her to climax - because you then tell us - before slipping through. Can you just start the sentence there - His spying heightened her excitement and she'd always peak swiftly (also I would like to see what she looks like peaking swiftly - not that I'm into that, but does she clinch the sheets, arch her back, call out his name)

Her performance was superb. (Again you're telling us about her performance instead of showing us the grand finale. Show us what a superb performance looks like for your characters.)A lesser man would have given up the fight, but she liked it rough and he’d master(are you saying he would master, or he had mastered?) the challenge. They always left the stage with bruises; little reminders of their excitement(or little reminders of their game).

Tonight is different.

It’s not her silhouette he spies through the window; not at first. Instead, the smooth, tattooed back of her lover glares at him. Like all her latest conquest, he’s barely a man. Have him focus on one of the tattoos, it threatens to send him right over the edge. what's on this dudes smooth back?)

Jake should have known better than to stay, but he wants, needs, to see it.I feel like the words wants, needs could be better - He craves, he hungers to see it

Her red dress hits the floor at Lover Boy’s feet.(How does her red dress hit the floor? Does lover boy slip it off of her shoulders, unzip it with his greedy fingers, does she strip for him? don't gloss over this part) He embraces her and nuzzles her breasts; I want to still see more of this love scene, I can't see him embracing her and nuzzling her breasts. Nuzzle sounds too innocent and sweet. What about her guiding him to sit on the edge of the bed and she stands before him, Then his head would be right at same level with her beasts. He could do anything at that point! LOL You know, kiss, lick, touch, whatever! the silky(don't think of breasts as being silky, what about creamy, perky, ample?) breasts of the woman Jake loves. The only woman he has ever loved. She bites her lip and closes her eyes, an expression of ecstasy which ( once belonged to Jake?) belongs to Jake. I get that Jake believes it still belongs to him

Innocently, as if she has no audience, she unfastens his (I think you need a reference to lover boy instead of his, to pull us away from Jake) pants and examines him with a smile. He has no flaws. Jake trembles, his throat tightens, head throbs with rage and fists dig into the stucco, attempting to numb the pain in his chest, as Lover Boy steals the sensation of her curves. Tracing the skin of the woman he cherishes.

She wraps her legs around him.

He carries her to the bed.

She lays back, knees bent, willing and ready.

He presses his lips to the delicate flower (are we talking about THE delicate flower or is he just kissing her? I'm unsure. If it's more than kissing you need to tell us what's going on, Lover boy's lips find their way down her body, along her ivory midsection and in between her creamy thighs ...... ) Jake had loved and nurtured since adolescence.

She moans with pleasure.

I know I made some suggestions above, but I really did enjoy this piece. I can really see changes in your writing,it's much tighter and there's more purpose. There were just a few places I felt like you could challenge yourself as a writer and make this even better. I hope this helps!!! I'll move on to the next part if you want? Don't want to overstep.

[Miranda Clementine]

lol... Don't worry about over-stepping. Thank you for the suggests! I was trying to keep it short but may need to describe more.

[The Tinman]

Miranda. Hi. Yes the whole story worked for me.

I have to agree with Amy about starting with the second paragraph though.

I don't know what to use in place of "delicate rose". I know you wrote this story for practice, but if it was a story or part of a novel you hoped to sell, it would depend on who your target audience was - - if it's Harlequin readers, you'd use one word; if it's for Penthouse Letters, you'd use another. But it also depends on your POV character. Whether it's first person or omniscient, if you're describing a scene from someone's viewpoint, you use their words, or if the story is written from a narrator's POV who's not a character in the story, you write the words they would use.

I have a rape scene in my novel and I didn't want the scene to devolve into porn; it was hard slugging. It's hard to write erotic scenes without picturing your mother peering over your shoulder watching with a disapproving look lol.

I think the scene could work in a novel, as long as Jake or Donna aren't the protags. It's hard to empathize with either a man who kills his wife and chokes his daughter, or a mother who is apparently having sex with her daughter close by... not saying it can't be done though.

I DID like your writing and the story though, and I think you did a great job for a short short. Good luck!!!

[Miranda Clementine]

Thank you again Tinman. I so know what you mean about writing sex scenes (violent or not), it can be difficult. That's why I wrote this. I want to get the technique down for my MSs. I don't want to be graphic yet I want my reader to "feel" something. While writing the first draft I couldn't think of what else to call he "rose" without just straight out calling it a c or p. Jake is a pretty decent guy an in his reflection he is thinking of her lovingly because he still had hopes of reuniting with her, so he had no ill feelings toward her, and only had hearsay of what she was up to, he thought it was a phase or something... Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I don't even remember what I was watching, reading or listening to when I heard someone call it a rose, so I threw it in there an couldn't change it... lol ah well nough from me about that. (:

If I do go on with this I was thinking of continuing with Kasey, she is actually a teen so I think I need to add a little something to make it clear, and where she goes from here.

Also, I think you guys are right about where to start, so thank you.

[Cheryl Morton]

Miranda, I always hesitate to offer criticism of fiction because I read very little of it, so please disregard my comments if they don't resonate with you. On the up side, I found myself caught up in your scene far more than I do most fictional writing. Overall, I liked it. The only part that was a bit weird for me was this:

“No, Jake, that’s not true. I…” He pulls the trigger again. He’s tired of hearing her attempts at redeeming her actions. Finally, she is silent forever. Trevor struggles to push himself toward the bed. Jake wouldn’t let him live, not after what he stole from him. He glances at Donna’s lifeless body and fingers her hair before aiming at Trevor again.

“Dad, no!”

Jake swings around and faces a new target, Kasey.

I don't know if it's a problem with the way it is written or if my brain was just a little slow in processing the story, but I'm caught up in a scene where Jake, Donna, and Trevor are the only three people introduced. Jake had just shot Donna and is now waving a gun at Trevor, while Trevor is attempting to move around the room. The next line is, "Dad, no!"

My initial thought was, "Ew, Donna was f*cking her son?" LOL. Kasey hadn’t been introduced yet, so I thought it was Trevor speaking at first. Of course, you introduced Kasey in the next line which cleared up the confusion, but if you said: "Dad, no!" Kasey said. And then Jake swings around to face his new target, it might eliminate the initial confusion. The wording pulled me out of the story and confused the relationship for a moment.

I agree with some of the above comments though, I definitely think you could work this into a larger story. Nice start!

Cheryl

[Miranda Clementine]

lol... I hadn't thought of that!! I thought the reader might be confused by who is speaking for a second, but I didn't take into consideration that you would think it was Trevor. Haha too good. Thank you for pointing that out, I'll have to change it, also thank you for your feedback and compliments.

[Avonne Writer]

Miranda, I was drawn into the story, so, well done. However, it needs some tweaking, especially because in the second part it feels too sterile. So much is happening, yet, there is virtually no emotion, no outbursts. Kasey has no problem entering a room where her mother is dead and Trevor is going to be...to smack her father around. The mom doesn't go berserk when Trevor is shot at. Me, personally, I would be flipping a friggin' b!tch if my ex entered my bedroom (where I'm doing the dirty) and wielded a gun. There is so much room here to expand. It's a great beginning, but slow the action down. Give the reader more.

Nicely done.