Hello again. I was working on my story, and I found that I like this scene, but I'm not entirely sure if I have the General's responses and such down properly. Any suggestions?


“I hate this. Stupid blue-bloods. I don’t understand why they always have to involve us in these stupid wars.”

General Transon looked down at the complaining soldier. “Because,” he said, startling the young man, “if we didn’t fight with them, we would have to fight against them, on the side of the Onyx-keeper, and strategically that is a nearly sure way to get killed. But if you would rather not fight, jump off this ship now and we will be rid of you.”

The soldier looked up defiantly. “I’m not deserting. I just don’t like fighting in a war that is not ours.”

“Oh but it is ours. If not now, it will be soon, and the best thing to do is play along. Now get back to your station!”

“Ooh, very nice. Very inspiring. Good work.”

General Transon spun around, pulling his sword.

Rinah rolled her eyes and leaned on the railing. “Put it away, will you? It won’t do you any good and you know it.”

Transon narrowed his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

She sighed. “Come come, surely you can’t be that dense. I come bearing a proposition, one that I am sure you will find most… captivating.”

He sheathed his sword, his hand shaking.

“Well then, let me hear it,” he said, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. He was the Czezan General. He had no right to be afraid like this. Than why did the mere sound of her voice make him want to retreat, hide deep in the bowels of the ship where he wouldn’t be found?

Rinah smiled. “That’s more like it. Now, I understand you are sailing toward Alumbia, to aid my enemies in defeating me? Don’t answer, I know you are.”

She paused, evidently enjoying his discomfort. “I would just like to inform you that the scales have been tipped. Half of the nation is dead, along with four of the Protectors. Only Pearl remains and I can deal with her easily enough. I can of course take over the nation easily without your help, but it would be so much easier if you were all under my command when I invade Catan.”

She examined her nails, glancing up at him with dark eyes. “You could be known as the General who finally destroyed your ancient enemy the Ammaris,” she said softly. “Isn’t that the whole purpose of the Czezan army: to counter your foe’s powers? There is no point to this so-called peace you now have. It will not last. Fight with me, and you can defeat them once and for all.”

Slowly he nodded. “I… Yes, I will fight. You are right. We will fight against them, and defeat our ancient enemy.” He turned to face his men, who had gathered on deck, responding to the whisper of rumor.

“Men,” General Transon said, “are we little girls that we can be ordered by our most ancient of enemies to fight on their behalf? No. I say, let’s instead fight against them. They have been weakened, their allies even more so. Let us fight with the Onyx-keeper, with the one who does not hide away with her powers, but instead wields them to her full advantage. I say we fight on the side truly worth fighting for.”

“Not bad,” Rinah said quietly, laying a hand on his shoulder. “But I would be careful about the little girl comments if I were you. Don’t forget, I once was one.”