John's Story *Language Warning*

[Leanne Wherrett]

Hi,

This is my opening chapter for my new novel. It's open to critique but please don't be too harsh as it is a first draft. Also, please be advised that this does have a lot of curses, I really don't like to curse, but I feel that it is relevant to my protagonist. At the end of this chapter, there is a bit of a backgorund story (it needs to be in the first chapter) but I've tried putting it in with dialogue, but it comes across as forced, like it is only in there for only that reason. I'm toying with the idea of placing a newspaper article in near the beginning, after "So this is why I'm writing my story..." Open to suggestions. Thanks.

A Man with a Mission


Well it’s official. No-one believes me. No-one can make any sense of what I am trying to tell them. I’m stuck here, left to rot and waste away in this hellhole. This is my life now, surrounded by the same four walls, day in day out. They’ll never let me out; they practically told me so this morning.
Why was I so foolish? Why was I so stupid to believe that they would be open-minded enough to see the truth?
Well **** them! **** them all!
They’ll know someday. Someday they will know I was right. They’ll see that I was the good guy in all of this. They’ll be the ones begging for forgiveness at the pearly gates, not me. They’ll be rotting in hell while God welcomes me with open arms.
One day, people will finally be ready to accept it and accept it as nothing but the truth. So this is why I’m writing my story...

I was still half asleep that morning when I arrived. I didn’t stop to observe the beauty of the scene before me. I should have stopped for a moment to take a lungful of clean, refreshing air. I should have cherished the sight of tall majestic trees; oaks, willows and horse chestnuts, towering high towards the sun and spilling out over the stone walls. Just beyond, a beautiful park with extensive, immaculate grounds lay concealed.
The car door slammed behind me, my feet falling heavy on the gravel, crunching with every step to the ornate iron gates where Ramzi was waiting for me.
“What happened to you?” He asked looking down at my tracksuit bottoms, tattered t-shirt and smart shoes.
“I wanted to get here before press got wind.” I glanced up at the early morning sun, already shining so bright. “It won’t be long before people start turning up and wonder why the parks cordoned off.”
Ramzi followed as I approached the constable on scene guard duty. I pulled out my warrant card and showed him before he could ask.
“Get me a black coffee, two sugars.” I ordered, holding out a ten pound note.
“But sir...”
I glowered at him until he jumped up, nervous, and took the money.
I caught him by the arm before he could scarper. “You shouldn’t be so quick to leave your post.”
He muttered something like an apology and looked close to tears so I let him go.
“That was harsh.” Ramzi said when he was out of sight.
I shrugged.
“He’s a newbie, as if he’d say no to you?”
“Do you want to scene guard?”
“No thank you.”
“Well shut up then.”
We changed into a set of white overalls, covering us from head to toe. My coffee arrived soon after and the officer resumed his position.
Ramzi lifted the yellow cordoning tape and we stooped under, following the path, unsure of where we were going, until we saw a member of SOCO (scenes of crime officers) just up ahead.
“Hey!” I shouted and caught his attention. He stopped and waited for us. It took him a moment to recognise us, but when he did, his face lit up.
“Gavin...” I said with a nod.
“Hey, John, Ramzi, long time no see.”
“Where is she?” I asked; I was never one for small talk.
We followed him to a green clearing where football pitches marked out on the grass. To the right, a small lake, sparkling a radiant blue, and just meters away stood the white tent.
Swallowing hard for courage, hoping the action would unknot my twisted stomach and ease some of my anxiety and dread; I took a deep breath and entered the tent.
The scene before me was horrific. I couldn’t tear my eyes away although I would have been grateful if someone would’ve blinded me with hot coals. That woman, that poor, poor woman; no-one deserved that. But I couldn’t be sympathetic; I had a job to do.
She was lying on her back, her face had been carved; the huge gashes down her cheeks were so dire, I thought it impossible for anyone to recognise her. Her neck had been severed, almost to the point of decapitation. Her abdomen had been ripped open, probably disembowelled, and the parts that identified her as a woman were deep fleshy wounds. But far worse than all of that, something that haunts me to this day and will continue to do so for as long as I live; were her eyes, still wide with shock, pain and terror. They were a mirror, an echo of her dying moment, so horrendous, so brutal. They seemed to be watching me, judging and blaming, why didn’t you save me?
I looked away, my eyes down out of shame and remorse. Then I noticed something, something different...
I knelt down beside her and examined the grass. My hand reached down to touch it. My hand turned over and I saw a red sticky substance clinging to my fingers.
“She was killed here?” I said, shocked.
“I know, isn’t it wonderful?” Gavin asked.
“Wonderful? What the **** is wonderful about a woman being mutilated?”
“You know I didn’t mean it like that. All I meant is that this time, we might actually get some physical evidence.”
I stared at him for a moment, unable to believe his words. He was excited; he was actually excited about this woman’s butchered corpse, just because it hadn’t been dumped in the water like all the others.
I couldn’t be near him, I had to get out. Ramzi followed me. My eyes closed, I focused on my breathing, trying to remove those judging eyes from my head, but they were already etched there.
“I want CCTV of everywhere within a three mile radius.” I yelled, “I want all nearby residents questioned. I want all witnesses put through The System.”
“John, you know he’s right, we might have DNA, finger prints... He’s finally slipped up. Maybe he was interrupted, maybe he-”
“Or maybe he’s taking the ****ing piss! The bastard’s getting bold, that’s what it is. He thinks he’s ****ing clever. I just ****ing hope we get some DNA and then I can catch the sick bastard.”

I returned to my office after interviewing an old man. The poor guy, he was out walking his dog at 5.30am when he’d found her. What a shock he must’ve had, I’m surprised he didn’t have a heart attack.
I threw a copy of his statement down on my desk. It was littered and overflowing with other papers and photographs. I picked up two of the photographs and studied them. A frustrated sigh escaped me and they fell back onto the desk.
I began pacing, thinking hard and growing ever more anxious.
“Stop beating yourself up,” Ramzi said, “We can’t do anything yet.”
“Well I’m sick of waiting. I can’t just sit around doing nothing while there’s a killer out there.”
“We’ll get him, it won’t be long now.”
“This bastard is clever; he knows what he’s doing.”
“They found some skin under her finger nails remember? The System’s running it through now.”
That’s what The System did. It analysed DNA, fingerprints and other forensic evidence. It cross referenced statements and CCTV footage. It even created psychological profiles. It still makes me laugh, such a sophisticated piece of technology and the best name they could think of was The System.
It had been developed in 2028 by the FBI and MI5, in an attempt to catch the Manchester Mangler, the most prolific serial killer of the twenty first century. It launched the largest man hunt in history. People were terrified and the public was in sheer uproar. Global legislation was forced to make drastic changes. The Human Rights Act was abolished as people felt it offered criminals far too much protection and it became compulsory for everyone of all ages to provide finger prints and samples of DNA.
Unfortunately, it came too late. The Manchester Mangler was never caught. His killing spree ended in the winter of 2028, after 63 women had turned up dead, all within a six month period. The abruptness caused most people to believe that he had died, but no one could ever be sure. That was before my time and since then The System had been almost foolproof.
That’s why it was such a shock. A serial killer who evaded capture? It was ridiculous, unheard of, and yet, six women had turned up dead. The public couldn’t believe that technology was failing them and they demanded to see some action taken. So the Chief Constable ordered our investigation to be done with nothing more than good old fashioned police work.
I have to admit, we were rusty, we’d always relied on machines to do the work for us and it proved to be too much for some. As for me, I couldn’t wait to get stuck in, it felt good, satisfying. I was a man with a mission and I just couldn’t wait to catch him.

[The Tinman]

Leanne. Hi. For a first draft, I think it's quite good. I liked the opening. And I agree with what you already said about the info dump at the end. There are a few typos(mistakes?). But you need to put a line break between each paragraph on here to make it easier to read. Many will pass it by because of that. Good luck!!!

[Kitty Foyle]

"It's open to critique but please don't be too harsh as it is a first draft. "

Just a little warning: Nobody here likes the words "first draft." It's assumed you'll have done the very best you can before you post something.

Also, DO expect that some comments will be harsh. Gotta get you a thick hide 'n all that! It's a jungle out there in the world of publishing!

Stopped by for only a minute. Good luck.

*_*

[Leanne Wherrett]

Hi Tinman and Kitty,

Sorry about the spacing, I just copied and pasted and it didn't show it like thats (oops).

Kitty, thanks for the advice, I know it's a tough world out there, but I haven't got anything yet that isn't first draft and as I wrote this a week ago, (in one day) I was very proud. I've got some earlier writing (my first writing) and that needs a serious re-type so I decided to work on something else for a while.

[Emily MacGowan]

Hi Leanne,

What Kitty is trying to say isn't that you should go and find an edited piece of writing to post - it's that you should edit this before posting. People don't want to spend their time pointing out simple mistakes of yours just to have you say "Yeah, I know that already." That's all. If you feel that the writing is as good as you can make it, say so. Then people will know what to point out and what to leave for you to correct. There are some really, really good editors on this site, and you'll gain a lot if you present work which you think is *perfect*. Then when they point out the flaws in it, you'll be actually learning, improving, and building your skills to a level you wouldn't otherwise achieve.

Anyway. You say specifically that your character is anxious and dreading seeing the body - I don't believe it. A moment ago he was looking at the sparkling lake. Did he know there was a body when he arrived? Why wasn't he thinking about it until he stepped into the tent? Put yourself in the character's shoes. So he's not admiring the trees, why? Is it because he knows he's going to run into another mutilated corpse in a few minutes, from a killer he feels helpless to stop? Then say so! Otherwise the sentences contribute nothing to the story. When you say "I was anxious", you're not inviting the reader to share the emotion with you. Try putting the reader in your character's head every now and again to let them feel the way that your character does:

I sniffed at the coffee and changed my mind. I needed the caffeine but my stomach couldn't take it, not today. Not here. Not knowing that she lay ahead, shrouded in a standard-issue evidence tent, cold and silent with eyes that would ask "Why didn't you save me?". I dumped the coffee in a garbage can and let my hand wander to the cigarette pack in my jacket pocket. Ramzi and his asthma be damned. I needed a smoke.

You see what I mean? Now we know he's anxious, and I haven't had to say it explicitly. You need to break up your dialogue with physical actions and internal monologue which lets us know how your character feels without actually TELLING us.

Hope that helps.

[Diane Theron]

Personally, if this is your first draft then wow! I enjoyed reading it, but as Tin Man said, the last para is a bit of an info dump and as Emily says, you could benefit by working the characteristics in action rather than explaining them.

The one issue I have is that the Manchester Mangler "only" killed 63 ppl but a system was developed to catch him specifically? I would imagine that to get the FBI and M15 working together on anything at all, it would have to be a more global thing. If the movies are to be believed, the security forces of the British and USA only work together under duress - and I am not sure if 63 deaths would qualify. But just my 5c and good luck!

[Leanne Wherrett]

Hi Diane and Emily,

Thanks so much, that is exactly the kind of feedback I'm after. I really love the coffee idea, I'll have to throw that in if you don't mind.

I don't want to sound defensive, but I wanted to let you all know that it is a first draft so you don't focus too much on simple errors.

As I mentioned earlier, the info dump needs to be in there at some point in that chapter. I did try to make some dialogue but it came across as very forced. I was thinking about creating a newspaper clipping (I will be using newspaper clippings and letters throughout the story) to add in after "so this is why I'm writing my story...". Any suggestions and alternative ideas would be welcome.

[Emily MacGowan]

Hi Leanne,

By all means, use the coffee

With the info dump - one question you need to ask yourself is: How much of this needs to be in there for me, and how much needs to be in for the reader? Because you've got a futuristic/dystopian edge to the novel (which I, personally, am a fan of), I understand you wanting to include all of the delicious details of the world you've created. In one go. How much does the reader need to know, though? How much do they need to know now? It's a matter of coming back to the "telling and showing" rule. Every now and again, sure, you'll need to tell the reader something. But it's always better to show it. Why not have your character use the System, and turn your info dump into a scene? Think about losing some of the juicy details and hiding the rest in dialogue and action. It'll read much, much better.

After all, if you can't devote a scene to an important piece of information - how important is it, really?

Honestly - and this is just my opinion - the newspaper idea makes me wrinkle my nose. Just feels a little obvious. If it's a big part of the book, that's one thing, but if it's an occasional leaning post to avoid putting an effort into building scenes to show your information, then readers will absolutely see that, and they won't appreciate it. Just my opinion.

[Amy Lou]

Leanne, Hi. I've been meaning to comment on this for while, just too busy. LOL But I wanted to tell you how much I liked it and like Diane said, if this is a first draft, Wow! It's really good and moves along nicely. I liked the first paragraph, it pulled me in. The dialogue throughout was believable. I agree with the info dumping at the end, but other than that I really enjoyed it! Good luck!

Below was the only section that I questioned. You state that he did not stop to observe, yet how can he be telling us about all the beauty? Unless this is a place he's been before and already knew the scenery? It's probably just me, I'm no professional. LOL

"I was still half asleep that morning when I arrived. I didn’t stop to observe the beauty of the scene before me. I should have stopped for a moment to take a lungful of clean, refreshing air. I should have cherished the sight of tall majestic trees; oaks, willows and horse chestnuts, towering high towards the sun and spilling out over the stone walls. Just beyond, a beautiful park with extensive, immaculate grounds lay concealed."

[Leanne Wherrett]

Thanks Emily and Amy Lou,

I think most of the info dump is relevant to the story and needs to be in the first 2 chapters, especially about the Manchester Mangler (that's very important to the plot line).

I have this story all set out in my head, but I've only got the prologue (a long one), a very rough epilogue (my husband hates me lol), chapter 1 and part of chapter 2. The prologue is set in 1888, the epilogue approx. 2015? and the first 2 chapters approx 2079.

Amy Lou, he does know the park, he used to play there when he was younger, maybe I should add that in to make it more plausible.

Thanks again guys, it means a lot that you took the time to read (despite my spacing, oops!) and comment.