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  1. #1
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    Leviticus and Electric Lungs

    Hello, I'm new here!

    I will post a preview link which features two poems.



  2. #2
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    Post the poems, not the links. The links will be deleted by our mod (routine for new members till we get to know you)

  3. #3
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    My bad! Here they are:

    ELECTRIC LUNGS

    The beating of the drum
    Can be heard on the horizon
    And my instincts are triggered
    Like a wild animal in the forest
    Running like the wind.

    The smoke that smolders
    From a dead fire
    Leaves me with matches in my hands
    To strike again
    And come back with brute force.

    The call of the morning bird
    Irks me in ways unexplainable
    But once my bare feet hit the ground
    I am ready to battle the day
    With electric lungs.

    The beating of the drum
    Can be heard on the horizon
    And they awaken me from this slump
    That Ive been tangled in.

    My body is turned on

    And these electric lungs
    Will leave you in the dust.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    LEVITICUS

    Words printed on thin sheets
    Separating a nation
    Into church and hate
    And tearing love apart.

    Ancient words spewed on thin beliefs
    Interpreted by unintelligence
    And molded for convenience
    To write off an entire population.

    Outdated ideas
    Manifesting themselves
    Into mainstream culture
    Reaching judgmental eyes.

    Dangerous thoughts
    Planted into the minds of the devout
    Which keep the stigma alive
    That were wrong and misguided.

  4. #4
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    Jena writes lovely poetry about potties.

    *_*

  5. #5
    Senior Member Diane Theron's Avatar
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    I was more drawn to the Leviticus poem. I usually get irritated when people demean the Bible. However, I thought the poem was excellent. the one line that kind of jumped out at me was the Interpreted by unintelligence In my opinion, this is the only thing that annoyed me.. I would have preferred a word something like ignorance. But that is just me and my 5c

  6. #6
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    Ah, good suggestion. And, thank you! Electric Lungs was my "experimental" poem, as most of my work tends to sway on the dark side.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Cheryl Morton's Avatar
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    Kyle,

    I don't read much poetry, and I have no formal training in interpretting poety, so take my comments as nothing more than a personal opinion.

    I really like the Leviticus poem. It is very similar to a poem I read several years ago. I'll see if I can find it and post it. I agree with Diane that "ignorance" would be a better choice of wording than "unintelligence." Otherwise, I think the poem is excellent. I especially like, "Separating a nation/Into church and hate." Brilliant play on words.

    Cheryl

  8. #8
    Senior Member Kyle Anderson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheryl Morton View Post
    Kyle,

    I don't read much poetry, and I have no formal training in interpretting poety, so take my comments as nothing more than a personal opinion.

    I really like the Leviticus poem. It is very similar to a poem I read several years ago. I'll see if I can find it and post it. I agree with Diane that "ignorance" would be a better choice of wording than "unintelligence." Otherwise, I think the poem is excellent. I especially like, "Separating a nation/Into church and hate." Brilliant play on words.

    Cheryl
    Awww, thank you! I will consider a revision using "ignorance" instead. My personality tends to be abrasive from time to time.

  9. #9
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    I enjoyed both, but I liked the Leviticus poem a little more, as well. And I agree about changing unintelligence to ignorance. Although, if I may, think "Interpreted by the ignorant" may be even a little better choice of words. Just a thought.

    Nice work!

  10. #10
    Senior Member Cheryl Morton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyle Anderson View Post
    Awww, thank you! I will consider a revision using "ignorance" instead. My personality tends to be abrasive from time to time.
    There is nothing wrong with that, and this is your poem. If you equate modern beliefs based on Biblical interpretation with a lack of intelligence, you should keep your wording. I think it's a more difficult position to defend though. It's easier to demonstrate circumstances of ignorance. It's easy to assess a person's level of knowledge, but how do you assess their capacity for knowledge?

    Cheryl

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