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Thread: Sugar Me Sweet

  1. #1
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Sugar Me Sweet

    Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm taking a break from my book to work on my writing and trying to do small pieces so I can learn the craft better. I am wearing my big girl pants, I promise leslee, and promise no hurt feelings from this girl. I would love some advice or to know what you think. Thanks as always.


    Church camp and Def Leopard were married the summer of 88, a union between teenage yearning and Jesus. Pour Some Sugar On Me was our chant, sustaining us through a week of praise and worship and nightly invitations to receive Christ as our Lord and Savior.

    The girls spent hours getting ready for the evening assemblies. Our hair was big, eyes lined like raccoons, skirts above the knee and a bible in our hand. Ready to make out with the first boy to look our way if he wore faded jeans and owned enough polo shirts to rival the colors in a crayon box.

    The worship leader, in his late twenties, had dreams of breaking through the Christian music scene. With one eye on his keyboard, and one eye on the girls; he sang about fitting in while remaining pure.

    The second night during a jazzed up version of Amazing Grace, a chubby kid with rosy cheeks approached me.

    "Hey, um, my friend," he turned and pointed. "he wants to meet you."

    "Who?"

    "You."

    "Me?"

    "Yeah."

    This was a sick joke to play on a girl, especially at church camp.

    "Whatever."

    I dismissed him.

    "So, you don't want to?"

    "Want to what?"

    "Meet him?"

    "Which one again?"

    He pointed out a boy with blonde feathered hair that brushed the collar of his blue polo shirt, looking ahead, clueless. I could almost smell his cologne.

    "Go away. It's not funny."

    "I'm serious. He saw you walk in. He thinks you're pretty. Can you meet after this?"

    "No."

    During closing prayer, we were offered the chance to invite Christ into our hearts, instructed to pray a prayer that would unlock the door to eternal salvation. Satisfied by the number of kids raising their hand to become a Christian, and hopeful because five days remained to reach the rest of us, our youth pastor said the magic word; goodnight. We were free and had one hour before lockdown.

    The chubby kid and his cute friend were waiting outside. I passed looking down at the gravel, focusing on the crunch under my keds.

    "Hey." The cute boy touched my arm. "What's your name?"

    "Amy."

    "I'm Kenny. I wanted to meet you."

    "You did?"

    "Yeah."

    "Why did you send your friend over?"

    "I was afraid. You're really pretty."

    "Me?"

    "Yeah."

    Because I owned the insecurities of a fifteen-year-old girl with a father that was there but absent, I spent the rest of the week ditching my friends for the boy who thought I was pretty. They understood.

    The last night of camp we sat on the pier holding hands, our feet dangled over the edge. His jam box set on repeat, played our theme song, eating D batteries. He was working up the nerve to kiss me, and I was doing my best to avoid it. But the moment I let my guard down, he leaned in.

    When our lips met, his tongue pried my mouth open, slithering around inside. I played along, copying what he did. He tasted salty, and his tongue too eager. Spit traveled like high tide into my mouth and across my face. I felt nothing, just infected with germs and dying for my first kiss to be over. Eventually it was.

    I'd finally been kissed.

    I wondered how many more times I would have to kiss a boy before I liked it. What if I never did? It dawned on me that maybe my friends didn't like it either?

    After our clumsy kiss, we promised each other forever, even though we went to different schools, and he lived on the side of town where houses were made of brick. However, being divided by economic train tracks proved to be a hurdle.

    By summer’s end, he’d moved on while my heart remained at camp listening to Def Leopard. But, I had a new song to put on repeat; Love Bites replaced Pour Some Sugar On Me.

    He was a terrible kisser anyway.
    Last edited by Amy Lou; 06-04-2011 at 03:23 PM. Reason: Because I can



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    1,142
    This is pretty good, the voice in particular. The writing shows a good grip on the basics, but there are places where you might tighten things up a bit. Example: when the chubby kid makes his entrance, there's too much to-and-fro before you reveal he's been sent by the blond[e] dude. (I thought the antecedent to "he wants to meet you" was the musician.) That's a case of you, the writer, knowing where the story is going while we, the reader, have to figure it out: be precise in your narrative. There's other things, a POV slip or two, but otherwise your voice and the set-up pulled me right in. Good job. Thanks for sharing and keep at it.

  3. #3
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Wow, thank you so very much Jayce. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read this and offer advice. I get what you're saying about the dialogue being confusing, maybe I'll move the description of the guy up, so there's no confusion. Yes, I get in my own world, knowing what's going on, I forget about the reader sometimes. I'll also check out the POV problems. Thank you also for the encouragement, it pushes me forward. I will keep moving forward!

  4. #4
    martin shaw
    Guest
    Yup... it's intelligent and shows style... the best I've seen that you've written.

    I spot talent, but it took bloody long enough to drag it out of you...

    Keep at this level, it will get easier in time (and better)

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    272
    Hey, I really enjoyed reading this. It's really good. Towards the end there were a couple of things which pulled me out of the story - I'll see if I can bring them up.

    Ok - Spit traveled like high tide into my mouth. It's a matter of taste, but I screwed up my face when I read this. Maybe that's what you want, but I didn't like it! Ha! I liked 'infected with germs' though.

    It dawned on me that maybe my friends didn't like it either? - I think it would read better as: It dawned on me that my friends might not like it either. - just that there's been a few questions, and it's usually the answer which dawns on people instead of the question.

    However, being divided by economic train tracks proved to be a hurdle. - this sentence I feel could be worked on. I'm not a fan of using 'however' - but that's just my personal preference. Also the But, I had... The but and the comma pulled me out.

    But those are such minor, minor points. I really liked it. Would love to read more, honestly!

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    @ Martin - Thanks friend - I couldn't get to even this level without your help. I know I have a long way to go but thanks for pushing me in the right direction.

    @Tinman - I know you didn't put your comments on here, but they were great and I will use much of them. Thanks again! Tell Dorothy I said hi

    @Emily - Wow, thanks Emily! Thanks for reading it and pointing out the places that pulled out of the story. For some reason I had a really hard time with the kissing part LOL The other stuff was easy, but that was difficult and could still use some work. I'm really happy you liked it.

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