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Thread: Fool's Song

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Fool's Song

    you are god in the flesh
    you restore me whole again
    you own my wretched heart
    from now until the end of time

    you came to me from heaven
    an answer to my silent prayers
    you delivered me from pain
    brought by an eternal rain

    you are beautiful beyond compare
    your hair dark as blackest midnight
    your eyes like sparkling amber
    your lips red as the blood that flows through me

    you are in my every dream
    the thought of you never ceases
    your love is what i long for
    i wonder if you know of this

    i try to suppress what i feel
    for you and i cannot be
    together; oh please help me
    i'm falling helplessly

    i love you, it is true
    why, i do not know
    would you give me the grace
    to continue with this insanity?

    if you know the pain
    of loving you from afar,
    then maybe i would not suffer
    as much as i do now

    yet no matter, i still adore you
    loved or not loved i will still
    be here for you forever
    loving you forever


    -----

    here's my first post here. *shrugs* this has to be my sappiest poem ever. hope you like it.



  2. #2
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    I don't know if you were looking for a critique, Kristine, but thought I'd throw a little something out there.

    you delivered me from pain
    brought by an eternal rain


    ... seems out of place. The poem isn't a rhyming one, and I stumbled at this point.


    be here for you forever
    loving you forever


    ... this, too, I wasn't crazy about. Maybe more like, "be here for you, loving you forever."

    Also, I'm not sure who you're writing about, but my first guess was this was a religious praise to Jesus. Then, as it went on, I second-guessed myself and wondered if it wasn't a heartfelt ode to a lover. I guess if I'm a little confused, you may want to rework it somewhat? Just a thought.

    C

  3. #3
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    What's missing is any sort of poetry. There are no metaphors, no clever language, no rhyme, no meter...nothing in the least to indicate this is a poem, and not some hyperbole a lovelorn teenager would scrawl in a school notebook about some crush he/she labors under. Not really a poem, in my opinion. Also, I doubt you're a good enough poet to dispense with capitalization and punctuation.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Frank Baron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    What's missing is any sort of poetry. There are no metaphors, no clever language, no rhyme, no meter...nothing in the least to indicate this is a poem, and not some hyperbole a lovelorn teenager would scrawl in a school notebook about some crush he/she labors under. Not really a poem, in my opinion. Also, I doubt you're a good enough poet to dispense with capitalization and punctuation.
    What's missing from your post is any semblance of humanity, or humility.

  5. #5
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    Thank you, Frank.

    And why dig up an old, dead thread from May?

    Just to make a snotty statement about someone's work?
    Last edited by leslee; 12-16-2011 at 09:53 AM.

  6. #6
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    You know, I must have the wrong idea about this whole "What would Jesus do?" thing.

  7. #7
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    Perhaps John-O would like to post some of his own poetry for a critique. He comes across as (thinking he's) somewhat of a pro in that area.

    That way he won't have to be talking to phantoms from eons ago.

    *_*

  8. #8
    Senior Member C Bets's Avatar
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    Some people simply don't know the art of diplomacy while still being clear and helpful. I would put John in that category. And the more it's pointed out, the more indignant he gets. Might stem from a childhood trauma or something. Just my perspective from way over here, of course.
    Last edited by C Bets; 12-16-2011 at 11:22 AM.
    Cindy

    And be at peace... the universe is unfolding as it should

  9. #9
    Senior Member Frank Baron's Avatar
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    I'm seeing overcompensation for a deep-seated insecurity.

    Among a host of other things.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Baron View Post
    Among a host of other things.
    Too much dwelling on a certain book, methinks.

    *_*

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