Fool's Song

[Kristine Ann Gajitos]

you are god in the flesh
you restore me whole again
you own my wretched heart
from now until the end of time

you came to me from heaven
an answer to my silent prayers
you delivered me from pain
brought by an eternal rain

you are beautiful beyond compare
your hair dark as blackest midnight
your eyes like sparkling amber
your lips red as the blood that flows through me

you are in my every dream
the thought of you never ceases
your love is what i long for
i wonder if you know of this

i try to suppress what i feel
for you and i cannot be
together; oh please help me
i'm falling helplessly

i love you, it is true
why, i do not know
would you give me the grace
to continue with this insanity?

if you know the pain
of loving you from afar,
then maybe i would not suffer
as much as i do now

yet no matter, i still adore you
loved or not loved i will still
be here for you forever
loving you forever


-----

here's my first post here. *shrugs* this has to be my sappiest poem ever. hope you like it.

[C Bets]

I don't know if you were looking for a critique, Kristine, but thought I'd throw a little something out there.

you delivered me from pain
brought by an eternal rain

... seems out of place. The poem isn't a rhyming one, and I stumbled at this point.


be here for you forever
loving you forever

... this, too, I wasn't crazy about. Maybe more like, "be here for you, loving you forever."

Also, I'm not sure who you're writing about, but my first guess was this was a religious praise to Jesus. Then, as it went on, I second-guessed myself and wondered if it wasn't a heartfelt ode to a lover. I guess if I'm a little confused, you may want to rework it somewhat? Just a thought.

C

[John Oberon]

What's missing is any sort of poetry. There are no metaphors, no clever language, no rhyme, no meter...nothing in the least to indicate this is a poem, and not some hyperbole a lovelorn teenager would scrawl in a school notebook about some crush he/she labors under. Not really a poem, in my opinion. Also, I doubt you're a good enough poet to dispense with capitalization and punctuation.

[Frank Baron]

What's missing is any sort of poetry. There are no metaphors, no clever language, no rhyme, no meter...nothing in the least to indicate this is a poem, and not some hyperbole a lovelorn teenager would scrawl in a school notebook about some crush he/she labors under. Not really a poem, in my opinion. Also, I doubt you're a good enough poet to dispense with capitalization and punctuation.

What's missing from your post is any semblance of humanity, or humility.

[leslee]

Thank you, Frank.

And why dig up an old, dead thread from May?

Just to make a snotty statement about someone's work?

[jayce]

You know, I must have the wrong idea about this whole "What would Jesus do?" thing.

[Kitty Foyle]

Perhaps John-O would like to post some of his own poetry for a critique. He comes across as (thinking he's) somewhat of a pro in that area.

That way he won't have to be talking to phantoms from eons ago.

*_*

[C Bets]

Some people simply don't know the art of diplomacy while still being clear and helpful. I would put John in that category. And the more it's pointed out, the more indignant he gets. Might stem from a childhood trauma or something. Just my perspective from way over here, of course.

[Frank Baron]

I'm seeing overcompensation for a deep-seated insecurity.

Among a host of other things.

[Kitty Foyle]

Among a host of other things.

Too much dwelling on a certain book, methinks.

*_*