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  1. #11
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    13
    Wow...I woke up this morning and got all these wonderful comments. I'm new here so it is really nice to see.

    I totally agree with everyone here, I think the woulda, shoulda, couldas, and all that latent down teen talk should be cut down in the "head talk" and be left for dialog. I really don't want her sounding too annoying and chatty. Too much is just too much.

    This is actually my third YA novel, my first one is being subbed by my agent. The second is awaiting her review, and now this one is being worked on. It's still in the embryo stages, so I am very open to any and all suggs. Thank you again everyone. It really was a great welcome to the boards! Goodness, and I just posted it yesterday!



  2. #12
    Amy Lou
    Guest
    Hi Lisa, I've too been told that my style is chatty so it's no wonder that I liked your piece, and I'm still learning to find that in my own work. I agree with all the critiques you've been given here, I see some of the chattiness and the trying to sound like a teenage girl feeling a little forced. But I really enjoyed your voice and liked your style a lot! Good luck!

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    3,866
    Hi, Lisa. What I noticed is that your characters frequently use each others' names in dialogue. In real life conversations, people rarely do this. As for the chattiness, as this is only an early version of your story, you'll probably cut down on a lot of it in various stage of editing. For now, just write what comes naturally.

    And no, it doesn't sound too Holdenish to me at all (and I'm a TCITR fan). It's sounds YA, period.

  4. #14
    Belinda T.
    Guest
    You're struggling with the transition between narrator and the MC, a chatty teen on a cell phone probably wouldn't pause as many times with names throughout the convo.

    Here's yours:


    "Say what?" Stop, Dee! You’re gonna put nightmares in Zoe’s head. Just pulleaze.”

    “Meh. I’m gone. Better watch yur stuff.”

    “Fine by me. I got it covered,” he hammers the screen again, staring straight into the sky, as usual.

    “Bug, you hungry too?”

    “Yeah, mom's makin us dogs soon as she gets back from Foodies with some buns. ”

    “Later, dude. I’ll be in my room.”


  5. #15
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Rhinebeck, NY
    Posts
    4,623
    Quote Originally Posted by Jena Grace View Post
    Hi, Lisa. What I noticed is that your characters frequently use each others' names in dialogue. In real life conversations, people rarely do this.
    Especially when they can't remember who the hell they're talking to (with).

    *_*

  6. #16
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    508
    Lisa, just wanted to wish you luck with the manuscript on submission. You are prolific -- one being pitched, one in the wings, and another on the way. Wow.
    Last edited by C K; 05-24-2011 at 10:35 AM.

  7. #17
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    13
    Quote Originally Posted by C K View Post
    Lisa, just wanted to wish you luck with the manuscript on submission. You are prolific -- one being pitched, one in the wings, and another on the way. Wow.
    Thanks, C K. Not to mention the two adult novels I have with Eternal Press. So yeah, I try.

    I will work on tightening up my dialog too, thanks everyone!

  8. #18
    Senior Member Zoe Saadia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    350
    Wow, I really liked it! (and I'm sure not into any sort of YA)

    It went a little awkwardly for me in the beginning, all her thoughts on this righteous Danny
    But from the "**" I've read it all without noticing, it flowed down perfectly.

    Good luck

  9. #19
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    13
    You know Zoe, a few others have said that too, after the (**) that it gets better. (from the other writing boards I'm on)

    I've tweaked and toned the beginning, I hope, enough to move on. I even changed her name too. Yeah, I thought the start was rough too. Thank you so much for coming by Zoe. (love the name too, I have the little sister that name (Bug)) thanks!

  10. #20
    Senior Member Zoe Saadia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    350
    lol, yeah, I was thinking to charge you for copyrights on using my name, even for a little bug lol

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