HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    79

    Something new and random.

    Hello. I was bored at school and this just kind of... happened. I thought I'd post it and see what you guys think about it. I was thinking of expanding the story line, creating the full world and story, it seems promising.

    Boom.
    The beating of the drums drowned out everything, smothering all emotion save for a tense excitement.
    Boom.
    I took my place with the other lindlings, the other initiates. My loose, deep purple and silver robes swished softly against my skin.
    Boom.
    We stepped forward, our footsteps matching the beat of the drums. Even our heartbeats seemed to change, matching their tempos.
    Boom.
    We were at the dais, a great marble platform resting on marble steps. One by one the lindlings in front of me approached the dais. One by one they completed the ceremony; some accepted, many not.
    Boom.
    It was my turn. I stepped forward, feeling numb. The drums beat a call to me and I was answering. I had no feelings save the desire to complete the ceremony.
    Boom.
    I stepped up to the dais. Taking the ceremonial knife in my hand I made the cut. Blood spewed out onto the already bloody platform. I gasped at the pain, nearly crying out.
    Boom.
    The drum brought me back to the ceremony. I looked down, my life’s blood pouring onto the rock. Staring at the cut I concentrated past the pain, willing myself to do what I had anticipated for three years.
    Boom.
    Suddenly, with a flash of light, colored bright red, the wound healed, leaving behind a dark red flame-shaped mark. As I watched, the mark spread, encircling my wrist with the appearance of a bracelet of dancing flames.
    Boom.
    I looked up, pleased. My heart hammered along with the drums, celebrating. I had been acceptable to the Magic, and now I was a fully-fledged Lind.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598
    OK, here is goes, I don’t get this. Firstly the use of BOOM, it doesn’t echo the beat of a drum to me at all. Thump, Thump, Thump perhaps?

    Secondly, why do you use lower-case for all the lindlings and then upper-case for the last one? Personally I would have used upper-case for all of them and even Dias, but whichever way you go, it needs to be consistent as it just confuses.

    Also blood (to me) doesn’t spew out of a cut. I’m guessing the cut is on the wrist. Which way is the cut? If the cut is across the wrist it doesn’t usually do the same damage into the artery as up toward the arm (if cut into the artery), unless of-course it is cut really deep and quite frankly who can cut themselves with that much force? When the blood comes out, it either trickles or in the case of a real (potentially fatal) cut, it will flood.

    If the artery is really cut deep, it gushes, not spews. (Writing something spews, unless it is vomit and you are attempting to write in a colloquial way, just doesn’t work for me)

    OK, now I’m going to be honest, it doesn’t seem all that promising as yet. Perhaps the idea is, but the writing does nothing for me. There are literally 1000’s of good , even great ideas. Few make it past that stage.

    Let’s assume the idea is good. Just because an idea is ‘good’ does not excuse poor writing.
    I was not drawn in, I was not motivated, nothing. It is quite predicable and therefore cliché.

    Others may disagree and you are free to ignore of-course.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    79
    Ok, thanks. Like I said, it was just something I came up with one day at school. Maybe I will just set it aside for now, come back to it as a side project, or something. I do agree about the blood, that was poorly done. I haven't researched that yet. The drums, I was going for something big, like a large bass drum type, which does boom, but maybe I could find something better. And I see what you mean about capitalization, I should have capitalized Lindling. Again, thanks for taking the time to critique.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598
    Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to discourage you. This may well prove to be a good idea but I think you rushed into asking for critique. Perhaps because you were unsure yourself. Personally, I remove doubt until I have written say 20-30,000 words. If by then I love it, I go on, if not, (& I mean REALLY LOVE IT - because if I'm not have a wild affair with my work no-one else will even like it), then I close the project and move on.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    3,866
    Quote Originally Posted by Satyrical Raven View Post
    - because if I'm not have a wild affair with my work no-one else will even like it
    Got that right, Rave.

  6. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    79
    OK. I'm thinking this maybe should have gone in 'brainstorming' instead of here.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts