HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 23
  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    684

    Talking Query letter (third try lol). Please critique.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who responds.

    Okay, obviously I've left out the Dear Agent etc.

    The REAL QL is in the next post..still can't figure out how to do italics in a new thread lol.
    Last edited by The Tinman; 05-10-2011 at 11:44 PM. Reason: couldn't do italics without going into reply



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    684
    To get the italics in, I had to edit my post. This is how I intended for the QL to read.


    Welcome to the small town of Silvermines.

    It's a nice place to visit, but whatever you do . . . leave before dark.

    Home is where you hang your hat: 31 year-old Robert Stone has heard that old adage recited as fact, but he knows it’s complete bull****. Five years ago, he made the biggest mistake of his life - - after being accused of sexual contact with a student, he resigned from his high school teaching position. Now, his only companion is a dog he rescued from the pound, and the thing he most desires is a tiny slice of what many people take for granted: a home and a family.

    Strange things are happening in his hometown, but Stone is completely unaware until he receives an emergency call from the police. His home has been broken into. Trashed. Doors are smashed, pictures broken, the upholstery shredded. He thinks he knows who did it: the same man who was responsible for the loss of his teaching job. The only thing he can’t explain is what the odd marks are on his livingroom walls: deep, symmetrical gouges that closely resemble claw marks.

    Stone finally finds happiness - - a home and family in the form of a single mother and her 8-year old daughter - - but can he keep it? Events in the town are spiraling out of control. Loving pets are turning vicious; horses and cattle are being slaughtered in their fields; people are vanishing. And he’s left with a choice: discard his principles and turn his back on a friend, or risk his life and those of the ones he loves.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Zoe Saadia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    350
    Hey

    Being among those who voted for an explanation on Stone's new-found "life", I'm sorry to say that "...a home and family in the form of a single mother and her 8-year old daughter..." is not enough (IMHO, of course).
    I think it deserves another, or rather other, line or two. Maybe something along the lines "he meets...". something with your voice in it, of course.

    Maybe it can be tucked into a paragraph before last, between Stone's receiving a police call and the explanation why. Something along the "...he receives an emergency call from the police, while <here comes the bit about the nice/hot single mother>"

    This Q shows you were forced into tucking this bit into the whole, got ya

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    684
    Zoe. Lol... yes, I was forced. I thought it was a work of art the first time lol. I'll see what I can do. Thanks and Good Luck

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    3,866
    Yes, I agree with Zoe, add names when you reference his girlfriend and her daughter. You also seem to be having a love affair with colons and semicolons. You might want to watch that.

    That said, I would read this story in a second.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    508
    Better, Tinman.

    But, like Zoe and Jena said, it feels like you shoehorned the new "family" stuff in rather than reworking the Q.

    Also this keeps bugging me. Home is where you hang your hat: 31 year-old Robert Stone has heard....

    It would be "31-year-old," but it looks funny to have a thirty-one in number form after a colon. Don't know the actual rule on this. If you keep this bit, I'd do, "Home is where you hang your hat. Thirty-one-year-old Robert Stone...."

    Keep at it.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    684
    Jena. Lol...well, it's like this. I had a love affair with dashes, but I threw it over for semicolons lol

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    684
    CK. Yeah, I'm not happy with the way that line reads either. I'm not sure whether to fix it or delete it. Thanks

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    3,866
    Quote Originally Posted by The Tinman View Post
    Jena. Lol...well, it's like this. I had a love affair with dashes, but I threw it over for semicolons lol
    Well, when you start cheating on them with ellipses, you know you have a serious problem.

  10. #10
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    26
    Hi Tinman!
    I'm a newbie and have been working on writing a good Q myself, so feel free to discard anything I say! This is the first reading of your Q series, so I haven't read what your book is about in the past. To me, I felt that the shift between the last two paragraphs was abrupt, and there wasn't a smooth transition. I was left with the break-in and then he suddenly has a 'happy' family...how did he get that far ahead? But again, that's just my two-cents! I think your story sounds really interesting and good luck!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts