Something New - Critique please

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

Sorry, Amy Lou, but for me, it's a lot of chatter. It's the kind of thing you write that leads to the next thing and then the next, and finally you write the one that really works. It's a step toward something, but it isn't the thing.

The repetition regarding the cereal is numbing:

full of cereal
full of cereal
I chomp
more chomping
eating?
the bowl
marshmallow
eat
holding the spoon.
eat my marshmallows
four spoonfuls

For such a short post, that's a lot of reference to the cereal. Ditto the dick:

He's nude
stands proud.
falls short
His erection
his intentions.
what he's offering
his erection

When you get this section right, it'll be about 6 lines total. You won't be hitting the reader over the head with your meaning, you'll just get it done.

[C K]

Amy,

The first graph throws me off of the intent of the scene.

He's nude and my mouth is full of cereal. The gift he has prepared to woo me, stands proud. Too bad it falls short every time since our first. I don't expect tonight to be any different. I have my vibrating friend to get the job done when he can't, which is always.

I'm not sure whether he fails or she fails "every time since our first." Does he fail to maintain an erection? Or does she fail to get off despite a lasting member? If he's in his twenties and gets an erection while watching her eat, I'm kinda doubting that it's his penis that fails. All her "vibrator friend" and "when he fails" seems more like her failing.

You don't make it clear which of them is the lame sexual partner here.

Sure you spend a bunch of words in which she condemns him and he comes off as pathetic. But it feels like an unreliable narrator. I get done with the passage and think she's lying to herself and the reader. I'm thinking she's the one with the sexual problem. But the narration isn't strong enough to give her an unreliable narrator's stance.

The fact that men go about amazed and wishing to share the miracle of erection isn't silly. It's just male. That's what they do. The fact that your POV character disses this tells us more about her than it does about him. As does the fact that she appears to have an available member and would rather think about how it doesn't work rather than how she doesn't. I said that twice, didn't I?

[James North]

"The fact that men go about amazed and wishing to share the miracle of erection isn't silly. It's just male. That's what they do."

Huh?

[James North]

I never really got around to a line edit of the scene, too busy getting past the laughing and head shaking. I have to mention that men have been getting an erection many years before they knew what they were for or what to do with them, so I doubt any normal teenager or man is amazed at having one. Maybe if an eighty-year-old took Viagra for the first time, but even then I doubt he would be “amazed.”

[Avonne Writer]

James- don't think of this as a personal insult. Some guys are real men and know how to treat a lady--sure. But, we ladies have had a lot more experience with guys than you probably have. So, we've seen the selfish, and dick-absorbed. And, a young, randy 20ish guy might just be all about his penis. They're out there. What woman hasn't met one, or two, or twenty. Seriously.

[James North]

No, I haven't been around guys with a hard-on showing it to me. There would be a problem if that happened. And, no, I have NO experience with males as far as sex is concerned. I do know I was not "amazed" the first time it happened to me and I was just a little boy. I read somewhere even male babies can have one.

[martin shaw]

No, I haven't been around guys with a hard-on showing it to me. There would be a problem if that happened. And, no, I have NO experience with males as far as sex is concerned. I do know I was not "amazed" the first time it happened to me and I was just a little boy. I read somewhere even male babies can have one.

The joke is on me!

I would have said Keith, but Interpersonal Conflict is now a spaceship

[James North]

No conflict, Martin, just head-shaking and laughing.

Look! It's AMAZING!

[Amy Lou]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

Sorry, Amy Lou, but for me, it's a lot of chatter.Leslee I really tried to be lean and mean with this post, still having a hard time understanding the chatter. It's the kind of thing you write that leads to the next thing and then the next, and finally you write the one that really works. It's a step toward something, but it isn't the thing. And I really will take this last sentence as a compliment

The repetition regarding the cereal is numbing: But the cereal and chomping is part of her reason for turning him down, it explains that she hasn't eaten a thing all night at work, and she's shoving it in her mouth to appear unsexy to him so he will leave her alone. But I will look back over it through your eyes and suggestions, thanks for pointing this out.

full of cereal
full of cereal
I chomp
more chomping
eating?
the bowl
marshmallow
eat
holding the spoon.
eat my marshmallows
four spoonfuls

For such a short post, that's a lot of reference to the cereal. Ditto the dick: I guess you know what I like for breakfast lucky charms and sausage. Seriously, I will try to look at the passage with this in mind. LOL

He's nude
stands proud.
falls short
His erection
his intentions.
what he's offering
his erection

When you get this section right, it'll be about 6 lines total. You won't be hitting the reader over the head with your meaning, you'll just get it done.

As a very new writer (2yrs) I really do like to beat the reader up with my words and make sure they've got it! I do feel like I'm growing and getting much better at this. I did try to do it in this post but perhaps it's still not enough. Thanks again!

[Amy Lou]

Hey CK! Thanks so much for your comments. As always very insightful and allow me to reflect on my work. I agree with you about the first paragraph, I have made her look mean and shallow. I have changed this. Instead I will make it clear that he's the one not meeting her needs but she's faked it too many times now to tell him how to do it right. Also passion is missing from their relationship and she's starting to realize this. But she does love him and would never want to hurt him. In fact she finishes up her marshmallows and goes upstairs.

I appreciate the comments about an unreliable narrator and why you feel this way. You've given me a lot to work with.

I wanted the fact that she dismisses him to tell you a lot about her and where her heart is, but perhaps I need to be more clear with this! Thanks again so much, as always!