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  1. #1
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    Jan 2011
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    A tale of two queries

    Hey guys.

    It's me again. For those who remember. I still haven't sent out any queries. Still revising and revising, but anyway I was experimenting a bit and now I have two very different ways of querying my manuscript. The first query some of you may have already seen. The second one is new. I'm torn between which one is more effective. Please help by telling me which one you prefer. And of course any critiques on either of the queries (especially the second one) would be highly appreciated. You guys are awesome.

    Query one

    When Rachel ended their relationship, Jason ended his life.

    He wasn’t the only one.

    Now the game begins.

    Jason awakes to the chuckle of a demon, who hands him a deck of cards, a compass and an express ticket back to the city he left behind. Each card represents a fellow suicidée. The compass points towards the other players. The city is an enchanted arena, where vampires, leprechauns and mermaids dwell. The goal is simple—don’t lose your second life. The last one standing finds heaven. The rest, eternal misery.

    Jason would rather not play. But there’s a fifty-third card in the pack: The Red Joker. She’s the reason Jason ended his life, she’s the reason they all did.

    The Suicide Game is an 82,000 word urban fantasy.



    Query two

    When Jason puts a gun to his head he just wants to numb his broken heart.

    However, the Lord of the Dead has other ideas.

    Jason awakes in an underwater glass cube with a panoramic view of thousands of misshapen bodies writhing in their own blood. This is his fate. But apparently even demonlords need their entertainment, and this takes the guise of a twisted death match where each fresh batch of self-terminated souls is cast back into world as glamorous vampires. The last one standing gets immortal bliss. The rest, a watery doom.

    Possessing neither the skill of a killer nor the stomach, Jason decides to slip into his old life as a med student and avoid all things undead. But his new warrior’s physique and flawless hair aren’t the only changes in his world. Now gargoyles soar above the skyscrapers, leprechauns grow on trees, and midnight merchants steal memories straight out of a person’s mind. And if those things aren’t trying to ram a stake through his heart, there are the other players. They’ve seen the demonlord’s exotic realm and they’ll do anything to stay.

    The Suicide Game is an 82,000 word urban fantasy.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Re: A tale of two queries

    I like the first version better, though it seems a bit too cryptic for me. For instance:

    He wasn’t the only one—who ended his life because Rachel broke up with him? Because this is how it sounds, though others may disagree.

    And: She’s the reason Jason ended his life (get rid of comma splice) she’s the reason they all did. Is the Red Joker Rachel? If so, I try to would make this clearer without disrupting the unique voice of your query.

  3. #3
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    Re: A tale of two queries

    Thanks Jena. Those were awesome suggestions. You're quite right about the second line. That is confusing. And I still can't figure out a way of saying that fifty-one other people also killed themselves in the past month, in a way that sticks with the tone.

    And for your second comment, I'm hoping to see if others share a similar opinion. Rachel is the Red Joker. I was trying to tie it in with the first sentence, but if others feel the same way as you, this definately needs more clarity.

    If anybody wants to comment on my second query, it would be greatly appreciated. And any more votes on which query is better. Right now I'm still not completely sure on which one to use.

  4. #4
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    Re: A tale of two queries

    I like the first one better too.

    Aside from what has been said, I had an idea bout how to 'bring the other 51 ppl" into the QL

    Just my suggestion, feel free to ignore:
    Each card represents a fellow suicidée. The compass points towards the other players. Jason is the 9 of hearts, his face tattooed into each heart. As he flicks through the deck, faces, unknown faces glare back at him. A girl, 7 of diamonds, with haunting eyes. A man, 2 of clubs, with a scar over his left eye. The compass starts to move, pointing to toward the other players, his competition, all located in an enchanted city.

    I have no idea where this is going or if what I have suggested will help so feel free to ignore
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  5. #5
    Junior Member
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    Re: A tale of two queries

    Raven that actually sounds cool, and its an intriguing concept to have their faces imprinted on the cards, but it's not one I've used in the actual book. Thanks for the suggestion.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2011
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    99

    Re: A tale of two queries

    I am intrigued by your story line and also preferred the first one. IMO it just needs to be restructured slightly to avoid repetition and still retain the suspense.

    When Rachel ended the relationship Jason ended his life. He was not the only one - just one out of fifty-two suicides. The game has just begun.

    Jason awakes to the chuckle of a demon, who hands him a deck of cards, a compass and an express ticket back to the city he left behind. Each card represents a fellow suicidée. The compass points towards the other players. The city is an enchanted arena, where vampires, leprechauns and mermaids dwell. The goal is simple—don’t lose your second life. The last one standing finds heaven. The rest eternal misery.

    Jason would rather not play. But there’s a fifty-third card in the pack: The Red Joker. Rachel?

    My 5c - and good luck, can't wait to see how it turns out! B)

  7. #7
    Junior Member
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    Jan 2011
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    11

    Re: A tale of two queries

    Okay. Here's the tweaked version. Does this take care of the confusion?




    When Rachel ends their relationship, Jason ends his life.

    Now a game begins.

    Jason awakes to the chuckle of a demon, who hands him a deck of cards, a compass and an express ticket back to the city he left behind. Each card represents a fellow suicidée. The compass points towards the other players. And the city is now an enchanted arena, where vampires, leprechauns and mermaids dwell. The goal is simple—don’t lose your second life. The last one standing finds heaven. The rest, eternal misery.

    Jason’s not up for the game, until he discovers the link between all fifty-two players. He ended his life because of Rachel . . . and so did everyone else.

    The Suicide Game is an 82,000 word urban fantasy.

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Re: A tale of two queries

    IMO = yes! B)

  9. #9
    Senior Member
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    Re: A tale of two queries

    I think you lost something in your revised version.

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