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  1. #1
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    Some feedback please B)

    Post removed at Diane's request...



  2. #2
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Often featuring unsuspecting friends and family, I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE is a 50 000 word - collection of short semi autobiographical stories, in the same vein as Author - James Herriot. Each story is intended to allow the reader to have a laugh, a cry, a pang of indignation or sigh with relief that their children are actually not so bad after all.

    The story starts with my family who are warm, loving and a solid stable unit. Our home is based on Christian values and principles. Despite my roots, I steer far from this road and choose routes that would make a sober navigator puke. However I get to meet interesting and incredibly colourful people on the way. Sadly, it also results in my fleeing my beloved country.

    Most of the stories deal with issues that most families face at some point unplanned scandalous pregnancy, divorce, a demon masquerading as an in-law. There are also serious issues such as pedophilia, torture and murder.


    Bio: to be worked on.



    I realised that I had broken the 3 paragraph rule and also found a site that suggested that you refer to another work that yours is simular to.. couldn't edit my previous post so have just redone it here.

  3. #3
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Often featuring unsuspecting friends and family

    A really awkward start.

    And if this is non-fiction, you don't need a query letter, you need a proposal.

    The story starts with
    Most of the stories deal with


    You don't want openings like that no matter what kind of letter it is.

  4. #4
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Thanks Leslee,
    During my research I found that a semi-autobi is considered fiction - thus the query letter.

    Would this possibly be better?

    Unsuspecting friends and family are featured within the I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE which is a 50 000 word ....?

  5. #5
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Unsuspecting friends and family are featured within the I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE which is a 50 000 word ....?


    This screams lawsuit. CYA.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  6. #6
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    I don't mean to be rude but I am not in need of legal advice. If I were I would be in a forum ----------> thataway B)

  7. #7
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Well, excuse me. Was my post sarcastic? No. Insulting? No. A friend of mine once cautioned me about putting real people in books and I simply shared it with you. I'll not bother you again, but from the looks of your query you should consider being nicer to people. Much nicer.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  8. #8
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Ok, maybe I deserved that but freely admit that the CYA did put my teeth on edge. Yes I do need help - which is why I am here - if you want to help, constructively I would be grateful.

    In an effort to start again, I will explain..

    I have just been reading a lot of threads where people simply just make cold remarks for no constructive reason and I just don't like it. I am serious about my work and want serious observations. Because I am writing a semi -autobiography, it stands to reason that the people are real.. I am however aware that I need to protect their identities.

    The prologue reads:

    I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE

    I stretch my legs as usual I am sitting cross legged as I work at my computer - This, despite my mother warning me when I was a small child that I was going to get varicose veins. The same mother who told me that she did not expect to see me grow into adulthood as her family were in the habit of dying young. Today, I am 43 years old, my parents are very much alive, my mom is feisty as ever and I have no varicose veins!

    I have been writing a batch of true short stories, often featuring my unsuspecting friends and family. I am writing according to my best memories and if I err, then it is done with no ill intention.

    They may not all be pleased with me but better to ask forgiveness than permission? So to those of you who are featured, before you start reading, consider me the floor begging forgiveness! I hope that by changing names and places that I have provided you with the protection from the police and paparazzi!

  9. #9
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Ok.. attempt # 2

    I read on one of the discussions that it is actually better to have a 2 paragraph Query.. hopefully I am on the right track here... would appreciate feedback B)


    Often featuring unsuspecting friends and family, I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE is a 50 000 word - collection of short semi autobiographical stories, in the same vein as Author - James Herriot. Each story is intended to allow the reader to have a laugh, a cry, a pang of indignation or sigh with relief that there is hope for a normal life after their teenager grows up.

    My journey starts with my family who are warm, loving and a solid stable unit. Despite my roots, I steer far from this road and in so doing, shoot myself in both feet. Often situations that should have had a disastrous outcome result instead in hilarity. Others have scarring results. Not only do I survive, but more importantly, so do my family.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Zoe Saadia's Avatar
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    Re: Some feedback please B)

    Hey, Diane

    I'm not an expert on query letters (I received so much various help to bring mine to shape, I'm really not in the position to advice anyone...yet)
    But, as just a reader, I would say I liked the second paragraph of your attempt #1 better. I think the mentioning of "Christian values and principles" gives more flavor for your steering off the course. Something along these lines

    The first paragraph is not working for me through the both attempts. Maybe it's the first sentence. It doesn't sound as an opening. I think the first sentence should be more decisive, even if it just states "This is a memoir that is often featuring..." - something like this, maybe.

    Good luck
    Pre-Columbian North America

    http://blog.zoesaadia.com/

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