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  1. #1
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    1st time query (please help)

    Okay, obviously Ive left off parts that I need no help with. I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts and confusions, or any other feed back. Thanks

    In everyone’s life there is a moment when they realize that happiness and sadness, sickness and health, and life and death, all hang by a tenuous, fraying string. For the people of Silvermines, that moment has come. Something strange is happening to their town. Residents are uneasy and their are dreams filled with grotesque nightmare images.

    “It’s time for a change,” Robert Stone tells himself, not realizing how soon change will come and prove the old adage: Be careful what you wish for. Up to this point, his life has been empty. He has no family, no wife or girlfriend, and his only companion is a small dog he rescued from the pound. The next day, when he attends an 8 year old’s birthday party, he unexpectedly meets two women who will change his life forever. And he will soon learn one thing: Heroes come in all sizes.

    Now, just as fate has intervened and granted him the life he desires, he’s called home by the police to find his home wrecked, as his dark past and an evil man have come back to destroy him.

    Fear has returned to the small town of Silvermines. Loving pets have turned vicious. Horses and cattle lie slaughtered in the fields. Friends and family have disappeared. Once more, residents sleep with loaded guns, and children cry for lights to be left on at night. And the question will finally be answered: how far will a mother go to save her only child?



  2. #2
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    In everyone’s life there is a moment when they realize that happiness and sadness, sickness and health, and life and death, all hang by a tenuous, fraying string.

    That's quite an assumption. Everyone's life? Everyone has a moment where they realize all that stuff at once? Nah.

    You've a got list here. Not a good idea for a hook sentence.

    Happiness and sadness
    sickness and health
    life and death


    And it's one big cliche from a wedding ceremony or a Hallmark card.

    This letter has to represent your writing ability. You really want to start like this? And if all that listing isn't enough, we get the tenuous, fraying string. Talk about overkill!

    Not to mention these time-worn old favorites:

    It’s time for a change
    Be careful what you wish for.
    change his life forever.
    Heroes come in all sizes
    his dark past
    an evil man
    how far will a mother go to save her only child?


    You're going to have to dig deeper and come up with some real writing instead of relying upon this old stuff. It's lazy writing, Tinman. Are you a lazy writer? No? Then do the work and get rid of all these over-used phrases.

  3. #3
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    Leslee. Actually, I am lazy lol, but I get your drift. Thank you.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    Is this the query for the story you posted an except of? If so, you did it no justice IMO.

    I think your story starts in the last paragraph. Right here to be exact:

    Loving pets have turned vicious. Horses and cattle lie slaughtered in the fields. Friends and family have disappeared. Once more, residents sleep with loaded guns

    Everything else is either a cliché or back story. It is very vague. I have no idea what your story is about, or why I should read it. If an agent actually takes the time to get to your last paragraph, you might receive a good response. But it is highly doubtful. So my advice, start right there in that last paragraph (but change it up get rid of all the clichés, they gave me nothing about your story) and tell me what happens from there.

    Good luck, I know it's not easy.
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice
    MC

  5. #5
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    Miranda. Thanks. I may well do that. But I'll wait a few days. Crap is always easiest to detect when you come at it fresh lol

  6. #6
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    Tinman,

    Well I gave myself a a King-esque sort of shiver here...but I had to give it to myself. YOU didn't get me off, I had to do it for myself, so so speak.

    You start with vague everyone, then narrow to townspeople, then move to a guy with a dog, and end with a mother. Get a handle on your story and ride it like a zip-line. Okay, dorky analogy, but I spent the last week doing step-aerobics to The Bachelor, which is all up into zip-lines, but you get the idea. Right? One straight line in a Q; there's no room for diverting reader interest with the sort of zig-zag line you've got here. We've got no room to invest in either everyman, the town, the dog-guy, or the mother. Pick your line -- one line -- and invest in reader in it.

    Hope that helps.

  7. #7
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    In everyone’s life there is a moment when they realize that happiness and sadness, sickness and health, and life and death, all hang by a tenuous, fraying string. For the people of Silvermines, that moment has come. Something strange is happening to their town. Residents are uneasy and their are dreams filled with grotesque nightmare images.

    Once I read the above, I wanted to stop.

    Normally I am not a List Nazi, but your beginning had me thinking...... OH YOU ARE KIDDING ME; LIFE AND DEATH.... REALLY!...... WHY NOT JUST START WITH IN THE BEGININNG..............

    I'm saying this BECAUSE I KNOW you can do better. Throw it away. Try Leslee's trick/suggestion - one line to describe your entire MS. Now start again............

    If you must start with any of the above, start with:
    Fear has returned to the small town of Silvermines. Loving pets have turned vicious. Horses and cattle lie slaughtered in the fields.
    Make it one sentence (if possible, if not then two sharp, strong senetences). This is where it is interesting (the only please IMHO)

    Again, not being cruel for the sake of it but because I know there is a QL in you worth reading.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  8. #8
    Senior Member Zoe Saadia's Avatar
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    I agree with those who suggested to begin your QL with the last paragraph.
    The rest is too vague and unclear.

    Try Leslee's-one-sentence-summary that Raven suggested. It helps to clear your head off all the little, possibly unimportant, details...
    (I'm battling my QL right now too, and this one-liner-approach helps(tu))
    Pre-Columbian North America

    http://blog.zoesaadia.com/

  9. #9
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    Ck...Thanks for the advice. I wont know if it helped til I let the querry ferment for a while lol Good Luck!!!

  10. #10
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    Re: 1st time query (please help)

    Raven. If you think that's cruel, you need to try harder lol. If I wanted nice words and smoke blown up my butt, I'd ask my mom what she thinks. I don't take things personally and I appreciate the honesty. Thanks and good luck!!!

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