First Chapter - Honesty

[Lea Zalas]

Amy, I'm still of the opinion that this reads like it should be in a different novel. Your QL builds an agent up to expect dark angels fighting for the souls of innocent women. But you start with this. Unfortunately, this part isn't about bad angels. It's about an depressed woman in a failing marriage. This isn't where you should start your MS. It would be great in a story about a marriage-gone-bad, now-single-woman loses weight and gains confidence, finds man of her dreams, has another baby, and gets to tell her ex-husband, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

You need to start this with the angels or where the now-single woman meets the angels. Keep this part of the story in the background, as 'short' rememberances or excerpts. The agent, based on your query, is not looking to read about a marriage falling apart.

[Satyrical Raven]

OK, after reading Lea’s comment, I realised this is the beginning of the tale about the fallen angel and the guardian angel.
Lea is right (in my opinion), you are starting in the wrong place.

Clearly you need background but why not use this info in short snip flashbacks or conversations?

From memory the MC moves to a friends guest house right?

OK, so start with that – hit with impact.

Start with something like:

MC couldn’t even recall (friends name) number. It was as though everything failed her as soon as Gavin slammed the door.
Crying, “God…. What’s (friends name) number?”

Pressing hard on ‘ring’ MC tried to control her breathing. A voice on the other end, “Hello?”
“He left me!”
“What?”
“Just now!.... he’s walked out, taken the car…. He’s gone to be with her.”
“MC is that you? Did Gavin leave?”
“Yes….. (crying) yes just now, after everything, before (baby’s name) is even cold…..oh my god (friends name) I don’t know what to do?”

“Where are you now?”
“Still at home”
“OK, have a shower, pack some things and come here……..there’s always a place for you here. Get yourself together and call me before you leave.”
MC replied with slurred ‘Uhumm’s” before putting the received down.

MC looked down at her pj’s. It was 7pm and she was still wearing them from last night. She hadn’t showered, hadn’t done anything much. MC blamed it on her mourning. Losing little (baby’s name) was dreadful but if she was honest, her lack of self-respect started long before their little baby died. Her uniform of choice these past six months was either her pj’s or sweatpants. She could hide the fat in them. Even her size sixteen jeans no longer fitted.
“He didn’t really love me or (baby’s name)” she spat out into the empty room, “As soon as I put on a bit of weight what’s the first thing he does? Goes and has an affair with Miss Perky Breasts!”
Of-course it wasn’t true, she knew it, but that is what she’d tell everyone, including herself.

Running upstairs to quickly pack, her eyes rest on their wedding photos by the bed, “Damn him! If he thinks he’s getting the house……… F_ _ K that! I’ll give it to the lawyers before I’d see him spend it on her!”



This then opens up to the MC getting to the new place and the real story. It doesn't mean the info of CH1 cannot be used, but perhaps in moments of reflection or admission to one of the two main men?

I have no idea what you want the MC's character to be like so I've made all of the above up off the top of my head. What I'm trying to express here is how much more a reader is drawn in if something is happening ASAP. And, if there is a little action in the beginning, the reader is much more forgiving (even soon after) if there is a need for info overload. Aside from anything else, they are already investing in the story and the MC.

Again, just a suggestion, take with a grain of salt, remembering I am not a published author.
'

[Avonne Writer]

Amy--I read every word (it really wasn't that much). Though I do like your tone, I thought it read nicely...but, you don't really need any of it. In one or two grphs you can describe what a jerk he is, how wonderful he used to be, and that she has a weight issue. Cut to the good stuff, use this for filler to explain why she does certain things.

Plus, you want your reader to fall for your mc, not feel sorry for her or that she is pathetic. (neglected by hubbie, floor mat for friend) Make us want to be her. THEN, tell us about her flaws.

JMO- good luck

[martin shaw]

Ami.

I must say, I have about five or six pieces on the broil... all these are extra to my book. Also I have seven or eight extra peices, tucked away for a rainy day. I write and finish other new stuff in between these. You have to keep your mind fresh. Build up your stocks and still write more, then feel guilty and finish a few. Have a rolling programme, and prioritise.

Don't spend too much time on one thing, when you start lagging, or your mind wanders, try to change peices or simply just stop.

[martin shaw]

**** punctuation... I'm tired, but **** at puinctuation anyway

[martin shaw]

see

[Frank Baron]

Well, I think there's good bits and not-so-good bits and the good bits are promising.

The first sentence is great, paints a picture and a mood in a few deft strokes. The second is fine. The third goes off the rails. The fourth is half good.

Let's see what we've got if we drop the third sentence and half the fourth.

I tried to look sexy, but how sexy could I feel when my size sixteen’s were shrinking? Like the perfect husband, Gavin never mentioned my weight. However, I knew he loathed it.

The kryptonite metaphor doesn't work for me. I instantly wonder if the guy she's talking about has a big S on his chest. So, how can you show her knowledge of his carefully-hidden loathing? I picture someone glancing away whenever she's undressing or slipping into or out of the shower. A recollection of something along those lines would work, I think.

The rest of the first graph is a tad clunky but serves well enough to advance the story (which, as soon as we got to the making-baby part, I realized was a chick thing but what the heck, might as well read a bit more at least).

And I really think you did a good job in the second graph. I felt a pang when I got to the part where he hadn't signed it. (And it was different from the pang I felt when I realized I was reading a chick-thing.)

You do a nice job on the dialogue. Drop the "I barked," though. You don't need any tags. It's easy for the reader to know who's-who. Leave the "he laughed" though, it's indicative of character. This guy is pretty slick. I bet he's having it off with somebody else....

And then when I got to the Lauren part I stopped because I realized that hey, this really IS a chick thing and there's a whack more of it still to come.

But here's my point: Despite the early hackle-raising realization of reading chick lit, I kept going for a goodly while. You have a nice way of using a short phrase or sentence to impart something of import about a character or mood and your knack for dialogue is one many would envy.

Some of the clunkiness that others have mentioned might be smoothed out if you read your work aloud, or (better) have someone else read it to you. You'll begin to hear errors your eyes convinced you weren't there.

Keep whacking those keys Amy Lou.

[Amy Lou]

@ Frank - Wow thank you for such a constructive critique,telling me the good, bad and ugly. I really appreciate it and the suggestions are great. So I take it you don't like chick lit? LOL This is my first book so perhaps I will tackle something more literary my next try. I will keep trying Frank, I have a lot to learn, but I know I can write.

@Martin - you're a funny maker - that's a game my kids play where one gets to be the "funny maker" and makes the other two laugh. Kids are such a joy aren't they!

@Avonne - thank you for the time you took to look this over and for your comments. I am working on my opening chapter today, starting with her right after her husband leaves. Just like Raven suggested. She won't look so pathetic I hope LOL

@Raven - Thanks again for your honesty and help. I really appreciate you pushing/challenging me in such a positive way. I've been thinking about what you've said and am working on chapter 1, opening with her going into the office after the fact, doing her best to keep it together. It's an interesting chapter to begin with and I think it will really work. Thanks again!

@Lea - my NC buddy! I hear you, I know you've told me this before and in the back of my mind I've always felt this way. They did start off as two different ideas. Okay, I will work on this! Thanks again for your time in looking it over.

[Zoe Saadia]

Hi Amy,

I remember the previous version. You've changed it a bit. If I remember correctly she did met this Lauren at the coffee-shop...

I liked the dialog with Gavin. Although I think you can safely throw away "I barked" in the "...The card. You didn't sign it." I barked...." The dialog is good enough to relate the way she was talking to him, no need to clarify. (I just went through my whole MS, trowing away this kind of an excess. It definitely made it lighter by a few thousand words)

The bit with Lauren was something I, as a reader, could have done without. But it just a private opinion.

The flashback worked for me.

Good luck