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  1. #1
    Senior Member Avonne Writer's Avatar
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    A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    Crap or not? You decide.

    (Untitled)

    On hands and knees I begged for Life
    Eternity stretched before me
    My eyes were blind
    My ears were deaf
    The One I love condemned me

    “Seek and you shall find, Child”
    “Listen to my unspoken words”
    Open your eyes
    Open your ears
    Lest you be left behind to burn

    In Me you will have ever lasting life
    Eternity is for the damned
    Do you see?
    Do you hear?
    Have faith and you shall be received

    On hands and knees I begged for Life
    The waiting game is done
    I see you Father
    I hear your words
    Take me to the Promise Land



  2. #2
    Aver0n 2o11
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    Nice, if you have a musically minded friend or are musically minded yourself, you can turn it into a choir song something like "oh happy days" but more sombre.

  3. #3
    martin shaw
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    You have just kick started yourself in to poem mode. This you would be hung drawn and quartered for on most renowned sites, but there is more to you.

    The reason that it would cause a bit of a too-do, is because there is something there that could be tugged. It would release an 'even better' in you.

    I hope I have just done that/

    Well done Avonne

  4. #4
    Senior Member Avonne Writer's Avatar
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    Thank you one, thank you all--

    so it's not crap- maybe closer to doodie

    Martin--you're a little scary. You even communicate in poetry. Can you break it down for the lower level english speaker here. lol

  5. #5
    martin shaw
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    Sorry iIt was a crap reply from me to be honest.

    There is nothing wrong with your poem... I've seen plenty worse, but looks rushed and like you have put no effort in, especially when I see the standard of most of your reply posts.

    I think you could do a lot better even on a bad day?

  6. #6
    Senior Member Avonne Writer's Avatar
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    Okay...that's better. Honesty works (with me) as long as it's not hateful. Thx Martin

    Give me crap any day...just don't make me eat it.

  7. #7
    martin shaw
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    I've never done that.

  8. #8
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    I really liked this.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  9. #9
    Senior Member Avonne Writer's Avatar
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    Thanks Margaret, sorry I haven't visited this forum in awhile. But, I do appreciate that you read it...and that you like it The more I read it, the more I like it, too.

    Of my many sides, one is very spiritual. I sometimes have a tug of war relationship with God...but, dang if he doesn't always win.

    I also have a preoccupation with death in my writing, as I lost my mother when I was 14 and it nearly crushed me to death, like an implosion.

  10. #10
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    Re: A 1st attempt (In a really long time)

    Sorry to hear about your mom. And yes, God wins every time . lol
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

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