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  1. #1
    Amy Lou
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    QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Okay everyone, I've made the few changes suggested and did my best to polish this up. I feel like I am almost there, but I would really like some feedback if you guys can stomach to help me one last time. I would love to hear form anyone that's willing and especially more experienced writers that have been through this process.


    Dear Agent,

    In Chloe's world, good and evil have something in common: they're disguised as charming men who covet her soul.

    Mike is the bartender with amazing dimples who's teaching Chloe to play the guitar. She can't get through their first guitar lesson without imagining what it would feel like to have his hands strum her instead. Phoenix is the quiet, sexy guy who waits for her in the shadows the night they are introduced. She fantasizes about brushing aside the fallen pieces of hair grazing his jaw, or going for a ride in his rugged jeep while it's still parked. Her marriage ended eight months ago, and she's in no place to give herself to a man, but God, it's been a while.

    It's too bad Chloe's desire for Mike is squelched when he acts like the father she doesn't need and forbids her to see Phoenix. His claims of danger push her closer to the one that has her captivated, and danger is what she finds. Phoenix reveals his identity when Chloe is almost raped by a nephilim in his legion. The fatherly warning she received doesn't seem so ridiculous. Mike and Phoenix are now exposed as the good and evil in her life. One is her guardian angel, and the other is the son of Lucifer. Chloe just has to figure out whom to trust: the holy entity or the one she could lose her soul for loving.

    ENTERTAINING ANGELS is a 100,000 word paranormal romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Member
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    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    I am not experienced, I'm having trouble with my own query letter. However, I have been watching your posts from a distance. I read a book based on the plot idea, I like a good, unqiue story. I thought your first or second query grabbed me more, but who am I?

    I do know that I told my wife about your book the same day you posted your second query attempt. I let her read your query and she said she would love to read your book when it comes out. We thought the whole Lucifer concept was really cool and unique, it's risky and I like that.

    But don't take my opinion, I suck at this whole "sum it up in 200 words or less" business.

    I loved the way you detailed the plot earlier on. It's such a pain in the ass showing details about characters, bad guys, the plot, the special twists you have, why anyone would care and still let an agent know something about you in the process. I think i've read every word on the agentquery site 3 or 4 times at least, as well as every successful query letter listed there.

  3. #3
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Noooooooooooo Andy!!! Are you trying to drive me insane? LOL Just kidding! Thank you so very much for your comments. I really do appreciate your perspective and the fact that you (the only one) enjoyed my first few query attempts. I liked them too, a lot. But like you, I have no clue what I'm doing. You're right, it's so hard summing up your story in 200 words. Oh well, thanks again for your nice comments, they are very encouraging.
    Good luck with yours.
    Amy

  4. #4
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    I don't read your genre, Amy, nor have I read your earlier efforts. But a couple things jumped out at me.

    push her closer to the one that has her captivated

    Technically he's not human so I suppose you can use that, but I think who would read better.

    nephilim

    This totally took me out of the query. Again, I don't read your genre so it could be my own ignorance. If this is a common term then by all means keep it. But if uncommon, or if you created it, consider using a simpler word.

    You have some gems in here. I love the Jeep still being parked line, and this suggests humor as well as an interesting voice to your storytelling. These are big deals and you showed both rather than told. Another nice touch.

    Phoenix reveals his identity when Chloe is almost raped by a nephilim in his legion. The fatherly warning she received doesn't seem so ridiculous.

    Clunky. Try:

    When Phoenix reveals his identity after Chloe is almost raped by a nephilim in his legion, the fatherly warning she received doesn't seem so ridiculous.

    Phoenix reveals his identity when Chloe is almost raped by a nephilim in his legion. The fatherly warning she received doesn't seem so ridiculous now.


    Just suggestions. This is all my opinion, of course. Your mileage may vary. Luck.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  5. #5
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Oooo good catch Keith with the "that" I swear I thought I got all of those. No, I want it to read who, so thanks for pointing that out. Nephilim is not something I made up, it's in Genesis 4:6 where the son's of God (fallen angels) came to earth to have children with the daughters of men (human women) their offspring were the Nephilim. But it is not a term many people are familiar with. I certainly would hate for an agent to be confused by that word. The word literally mans hidden giant. Oh well, I will give that some thought. I also like the way you worded that sentence. I've been having trouble with that and how to word it. Thanks
    I appreciate your helpful and encouraging comments. It means a lot because I've been beating my head against the wall over this, and also, I think you know what you're talking about. LOL
    Thanks again Keith .
    Amy

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Mike and Phoenix are now exposed as the good and evil in her life.

    Delete "now"

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
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    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Thanks Leslee

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Sep 2010
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    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Amy,

    I think you're close. That last graph still reads clunky to me. Are you perhaps trying to get in too much info? Don't forget to hyphenate your word count.

    Your hard work, I think, is paying off.

  9. #9
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Thanks so much CK. You've helped a lot. I agree with the last paragraph, it's not perfect yet. I will let it sit for a couple of days and come back to it. I fear not having enough info in there, not enough of the plot? But who knows. I think I'm close to having it, but it's just not there yet!
    Amy

  10. #10
    Senior Member Lea Zalas's Avatar
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    Re: QUERY CRITIQUE - one last time?

    Amy, take out "the fallen pieces of" when describing his hair, and I'm not sure, but using "rugged" with jeep gave me a little jangle. Otherwise, it's really shaping up.

    Lea

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