HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26
  1. #1
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Can I just send this one?

    Having fun tonight, maybe I'm feeling a little delirious or just going crazy. But this one was fun to write. Can I just call it a day/night and send it out? LOL

    Dear Agent,

    In Chloe's world, good and evil have something in common; they're charming men that covet her soul. *

    Mike's the bartender with amazing dimples, who's teaching Chloe to play the guitar.* She can't get through her first lesson without imagining what an excellent lover he would make, judging by the way he handles his guitar.* Phoenix is the sexy new stranger who waits for her in the shadows by her car on the night they are introduced. * She fantasizes about brushing aside those loose pieces of hair that graze his jaw, or twisting them around her finger after they've made love. * God, it's been a while.* Her marriage ended eight months ago, and she's certainly not ready for anything serious. * *

    It's too bad Chloe's attraction to Mike is squelched when he begins to act like the father she doesn't need, claiming that Phoenix and his crowd are dangerous.* But when Phoenix rescues her from being attacked by his friend, the warning that turned her off allows Chloe to uncover the good and evil in her life.**Between Mike and Phoenix, one is her guardian angel and the other is the son of Lucifer.* *She just has to figure out which one to trust and which one to sleep with. *



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    227

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    This one is very good. Well done to you. Give yourself a pat on the back.

    Some small things from me:

    Dear Agent,

    In Chloe's world, good and evil have something in common; they're charming men that covet her soul.

    Mike's the bartender with amazing dimples, who's teaching Chloe to play the guitar. She can't get through her first lesson without imagining what an excellent lover he would make, judging by the way he [s]handles[/s] FINGERS his guitar. Phoenix is the sexy new stranger who waits for her in the shadows [s]by her car on[/s] the night they are introduced. She fantasizes about brushing aside those loose pieces of hair [s]that[/s] grazING his jaw, or twisting them around her finger after [s]they've made[/s] MAKING love. God, it's been a while. Her marriage ended eight months ago, and she's certainly not ready for anything serious.

    It's too bad Chloe's attraction to Mike is squelched when he begins to act like the father she doesn't need, claiming [s]that[/s] Phoenix and his crowd are dangerous. But when Phoenix rescues her from being attacked by his friend, the warning that turned her off allows Chloe to uncover the good and evil in her life. Between Mike and Phoenix, one is her guardian angel and the other is the son of Lucifer. She just has to figure out which one to trust and which one to sleep with. GREAT ENDING

    Like I said, just little nits, see what others say.


    DK

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    Chloe, I would read THIS yes, yes, yes.....

    I think you have it - well almost - look at D K's suggestions, let it all rest for about 3-7 days, re-read and do the final touch-up.
    if the wine is sour throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  4. #4
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    OMG DK, I'm to afraid to use the word FINGER - LOL I just am not that bold. you must be a guy! LOL No, seriously, thanks for the encouragement and the critique. You've seen where this query came from and I hope that's not what's causing this one to look so much better. I enjoyed writing this one though. I will work on polishing this one today.
    Thanks again!
    Amylou

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    3,866

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    It should be a colon, not a semi-colon, in the first sentence.

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    @ Satyrical Raven Thanks so much for the encouragement. I think with a few more adjustments I am getting close. I'm still not sure about the ending. I don't want Chloe to be considered a whore LOL

    @Jena - Great call about the colon. Also should it read "they're charming men WHO covet her soul" instead of "they're charming men THAT covet her soul"?

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    227

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    IMO opinion you have to use FINGER it's showing so much better than saying handles...and we're all adults so I wouldn't worry about it.

    Yes I am a guy btw...

    8-)

    DK

  8. #8
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    I know DK I was just teasing. What you suggested does give me a pretty clear visual, so you're right, it shows much better than the word handle. I'm the one with the dirty mind. Thanks again!

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    227

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    You're not the only one on the dirty side...I knew exactly what I was referring to when I suggested 'finger'. It just so happens to work for a guitar as well



    DK

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    508

    Re: Can I just send this one?

    Amy,

    This version captures more voice. For me, some wobbles in the first two graphs. A big splat in the last.


    In Chloe's world, good and evil have something in common; they're charming men who covet her soul.

    I liked your previous version with the "disguised as" phrasing much better.

    Mike's the bartender with amazing dimples, who's teaching Chloe to play the guitar. She can't get through her first lesson without imagining what an excellent lover he would make, judging by the way he handles his guitar. Phoenix is the sexy new stranger What's a "new" stranger? who waits for her in the shadows by her car on the night they are introduced So how are they strangers if they're introduced?. Just don't like this. It doesn't parallel the bit about Mike, and it doesn't set up the sentence to follow. She fantasizes about brushing aside those loose pieces of hair that graze his jaw, or twisting them around her finger after they've made love. I don't know. Twisting loose hair? Can you pick a detail that says more about C and P, like the guitar bit does? God, it's been a while. Her marriage ended eight months ago, and she's certainly not ready for anything serious. Don't get the "anything serious" bit. She's contemplating sleeping with both these men, right? That seems serious. If you meant a new relationship, you haven't set up that that's on the table. So I just don't get where "not ready for anything serious" comes in.

    It's too bad Chloe's attraction to Mike is squelched when he begins to act like the father she doesn't need, claiming Phoenix and his crowd are dangerous. But when Phoenix rescues her from being attacked by his friend awkward, the warning that turned her off allows awkward Chloe to uncover the good and evil in her life. Between Mike and Phoenix, awkward one is her guardian angel and the other is the son of Lucifer. She just has to figure out which one to trust and which one to sleep with.


    Your first graph sets up that the story will involve a choice between good and evil. Your next graph describes C's lust for two men. All good. The last graph has to tie it together. Right? It looks like you're trying to, but it flops for me. This whole graph reads clumsy to my ear. The thought progression feels forced. That last line kinda brings the whole thing down for me. It sounds good; I mean the beat of the words and that it sounds like a nice kicker for a Q. But it doesn't do the job of connecting the two ideas you've set up. She's not choosing between good and evil. She's choosing them both but one she'll trust and one she'll sleep with? So she's going to trust the evil but sleep with the good? No wait, sleep with the evil and trust the good? I don't get it. This may just be my lack of understanding of this genre.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts