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  1. #1
    Amy Lou
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    Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    Hi Friends, it's me again with hopefully a different query from the yawn fest ones I've previously posted. I tried to jump in with Phoenix and what Chloe experiences in her life when she falls in love with him. I've left out the broken heart, the divorce, the best friend and her bubble head fiance. If this isn't any better, I don't know what will be. LOL Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to help me and push me to dig deeper. I can get rid of that first "hook" line about the bartender angel sent to protect her soul, if it doesn't work.
    Thanks as always.
    Amy



    Dear Agent,

    How was Chloe to know that the bartender with amazing dimples was an angel sent to protect her soul from nephilim she loves.

    The good and evil in Chloe's life have two things in common: they're both disguised as charming men and both want her for themselves. A hidden society of nephilim, and the fallen angels that created them have descended on Chloe's world. And her new friend the bartender that's teaching her to play the guitar just happens to be her guardian angel. But It's too late to receive his protection, because love for something evil already dwells in her heart.

    That something evil is Phoenix, the mysterious shadow in the back of the room that has her captivated. He is also the son of a fallen angel, whose purpose for existing is to deceive a woman into producing an heir and then deliver her soul to his master, Lucifer. But to Chloe, Phoenix is the one that makes past disappointments seem like mere glitches in time, preparing her heart to experience that one great love.

    His eyes convey a pain that Chloe recognizes, but when she discovers the source of his torment, she unlocks the secret he's been hiding. Her friend's warning not to get involved becomes truth, but Chloe loved Phoenix before she knew his transgressions. She promised her life to him before she knew what dwelled within. Now, she will do anything to save him from the existence that chose him. Logic tells her to run, but something greater tells her to take a chance with her*soul, realizing that her purpose is to love one of the fallen. Her love for Phoenix is worth the risk of eternal damnation; her only hope is that his promises of immortal love are genuine.
    *
    ENTERTAINING THE FALLEN is a 100,000-word novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Re: Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    The first line in the second para is a much better hook.

    DK

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Re: Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    How was Chloe to know that the bartender with amazing dimples was an angel sent to protect her soul from nephilim she loves.

    Although you left out the question mark, this is a question, and it is best not to begin query letters with questions.

    And this particular question should be deleted. As DK said, the second sentence is much stronger.

  4. #4
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    I agree, it's gone. Funny how clear things become when you post them and you guys point it out. Leslee, did you have any other thoughts to the query itself? Or DK?

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Re: Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    I agree with the others about getting rid of the first sentence. I'm not crazy about the rest.

    While you did get a tone in here, it is far different than the tone in your excerpt. The tone here is dark and brooding, coming a bit too close to melodrama - "But to Chloe, Phoenix is the one that makes past disappointments seem like mere glitches in time" "His eyes convey a pain that Chloe recognizes..."

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    Re: Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    Amy,

    Agree with DK. The second sentence has the germ of a great hook.


    The good and evil in Chloe's life have two things in common: they're both disguised as charming men and both want her for themselves.

    But it needs refining. I'd take out the wanting-for-themselves notion; it muddles and feels overly dramatic. Also try a construction the begins with C, rather than good and evil. Just play with it. You could have a winner.

    As for the rest of the Q, then, I think you need to follow the set up in that first sentence. Keep the focus on this notion; it's strong. Perhaps a line about why C has trouble seeing the difference. Then who the two charming men are and what they want with her. Be very careful about using these phrases like "unlocks the secret." "dwelled within," and so forth.

    The Q falls off for me when you start writing things like: but Chloe loved Phoenix before she knew his transgressions. She promised her life to him before she knew what dwelled within. I kinda think, well of course. We all fall for guys before we know all their transgressions. Most of the time, those transgressions are minor and often atoned for. When they are serious transgressions and ongoing, we say goodbye and continue looking for Mr. Right among the pool of guys who actually could be Mr. Right. It would be fine to have C lack this basic sensibility, but the writing here feels like you're expecting the reader to think she's cool for being stupid.

    This only gets worse in the next graph where we learn that "she will do anything" to save him from his own choice, that reason tells her to move on, but she'd rather risk her soul. Than what? Than be not in love with an evil creature? Than not be in love? Than not have a man? You see how desperate this makes her. Again, fine, but you seem to be writing this as if you want to the reader to see these actions as noble. If you stick with a Q focused on that second line, you'd have a C who has to learn to see past the man charm and deal with the essence of good and evil.

    Hope something here helps.

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    Hey CK! Nice to hear from you.
    Thanks for your comments, that really does help me. Thank you for letting me know where in the query you glaze over. LOL that's important for me to know. I'm going to take your comments and tweak this query. I also get your point about her looking cool for being stupid. If you stick with a Q focused on that second line, you'd have a C who has to learn to see past the man charm and deal with the essence of good and evil. Okay, I think I can do this.
    Thanks again, hope you are well!
    Amy

  8. #8
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Another Other Angle - QUERY:)

    Simon Says, thanks for your comments. I get what you mean, I'm going back to the drawing board to work on it some more.

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