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  1. #1
    Amy Lou
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    QUERY - Another Angle

    I'm trying, I swear to gosh I'm really trying. I've walked away from it, played with the kids, gone to the park, taken walks. I've left it alone. Is this three steps backwards?
    I'm trying to show who Chloe is and where she came from. Is this TMI or does this fill in the gap, making her more interesting or just pathetic? It's just a start, but am I going the wrong direction again?


    Dear Agent,

    Sure, Chloe never lost the weight from a failed pregnancy, and the depression she thinks she's hiding from her husband is causing him to construct a wall between them. But overall life is manageable. That is, until her husband confesses his love for a woman that makes him feel needed.

    With hopes of a new beginning and a quiet place to exist, Chloe sells her house and moves into the cottage behind her best friend's estate. However, now she's surrounded by Maggie's fiance and his friends; muscle heads incapable of finishing a complete thought. This is not the change Chloe had in mind. Her situation brightens when she's introduced to Phoenix, the new guy hanging around, because like her, he doesn't belong. His eyes hold a pain she recognizes.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Aug 2010
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    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Sure, Chloe never lost the weight from a failed pregnancy, and the depression she thinks she's hiding from her husband is causing him to construct a wall between them.

    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE.

    I see what you're trying to do here, but it's too conversational. Writing to an agent isn't talking to a girlfriend. The casual "Sure," opening, and starting in what seems to be the middle of a paragraph doesn't really work for me.

    I have to tell you, I don't think an agent is going to get past that opening sentence. But I could always be wrong.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Amy -

    What leslee says, also you still haven't managed to get your voice into your query. You had such great style and tone in your excerpts. It's imperative that you write your query with the same style and tone.

    Also your hook is not that Chloe's marriage ends. Your hook centers on her post divorce life and her new love.

  4. #4
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Argh!! But I trust you both. I've lost my voice somewhere and I can't seem to find it. I agree that the novel is not about her failed marriage but instead about her new life and loving again. I have my core sentence it's just when I jump into her meeting Phoenix, everyone asks what's her past, what's she healing from? I thought this might add. Okay, I'm going to go locate my voice and write something that blows your mind. LOL
    Thanks to you both for your time on this. No need for you to waste anymore time on this particular query.
    Amy

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Jan 2011
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    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Amy - I am no expert, but I think this query is much closer to what you want as an end result than the earlier ones. Yes, it may still have some issues, but it finally gives the feeling that, and how, the two different parts of your novel fit together.

    I think this is something you could work with.

    But that is just my two cents...

    Bina

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Thanks Bina, I appreciate you looking this over. I'm just not sure anymore. I thought this one showed my voice like my chapters do but maybe it sounds like I'm trying too hard. I like showing where Chloe has come from and her history but will it be boring to an agent? I don't know.
    Thanks again!

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Simon, would this work at all if I had the bartender/guardian angel hook above it and if I took out the word Sure and started with Chloe? I really thought this one had more of my voice from my excerpts. Thanks again.

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Hi Amy

    As I've mentioned before, I think your hook is that she finds he soulmate who turns out to be after her soul. You can take that idea and pad it so that you get in the backstory of her divorce - i.e. A bitter divorcee..... or whatever adjective you choose to define her. Using an adjective and noun in your hook rather than the character's name provides the reader with information about the character. Unless you are writing about a real person an well known public domain fictional character - your character name means nothing to the reader. Save the name for the synopsis, but leave it out of the hook.

    Sorry but your second paragraph doesn't have much voice, it's not well written (which your pages definitely were) and it doesn't make your story sound compelling. You are getting buried in the minutiae - Chloe moving to the cottage, meeting the muscleheads - this is not the guts of your story. Your mini synopsis should focus on the guts of your story. Chloe falls in love, discovers what Phoenix is, then faces a dilemma. Makes a choice and must deal with the consequences of that choice.

  9. #9
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Okay, thanks simon, especially for your compliments on my writing style from the excerpts. It sounds silly because I don't know you, but it means a lot to me that you liked my writing from my other post and challenged me to pace what I reveal to the reader. That has left an impression. So some of what you are saying is sticking. I agree, I am hung up on her moving into the guest house and being suspicious of her new surroundings, because I thought that was interesting and it shows that she is not a complete idiot. But I will give it another try, I refuse to give up because I feel like my novel is good! But don't we all?
    Chloe falls in love, discovers what Phoenix is, then faces a dilemma. Makes a choice and must deal with the consequences of that choice. - off to work on this. Thanks again.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    593

    Re: QUERY - Another Angle

    Here I agree with what SS: I think you can summarize the whole miscarriage/weight/husband cheating/broken heart - beginning with just a couple of words.

    "After a disappointing marriage...."

    or as SS said: "After a bitter divorce..."

    "Freshly out of a bad marriage..."

    And then the sentence you already highlighted, I think is a great guidline for the Query.

    Good Luck, can't wait to read the next version!

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