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  1. #1
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    My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    Kitty was interested in seeing my award winning bad writing entries. The much missed Gopher Gold held these hilarious contests. I have to say, looking back to find these fossils, I very much miss some of the posters from those days. We had a lot of fun here, along with the usual bickering and verbal assaults on helpless new writers.

    Here's my first victorious entry. I won for worst opening paragraph of a book. Look how long ago it was - 2006! Seems like only yesterday, and at the same time, about twenty years ago. How time flies, huh?


    September 03, 2006 06:06PM

    Charity Jenkins, the prettiest girl in Nowheresville, stood amid the wind, rain and snow which were rapidly soaking her clothing to match the gallons of tears stinging her eyes and rolling down her apple-red cheeks, then plopping in great blobs on her magenta taffeta prom dress. "I'm so freaking cold," she mumbled to herself, and the timbre of her usually gentle, but currently shrill voice jarred lose a massive overhang of packed snow (which topped a pile of old leaves and mud), until the entire shelf of frozen brown and white gunk dropped like a big trash bag o'bowling balls onto her sweet blonde head and broke her beautiful, but apparently quite fragile, neck, the sound of which was remarkably like when you crack a Butterfinger bar on a coffee table in order to create bite-sized pieces.

    Yes, friends, it really is bad. I deserved to win.

    And here is my brilliant winning entry in the competition for worst query letter:

    August 31, 2006 02:41PM

    Dear Agent,

    This must be your lucky day! For I am writing to you regarding representation for my 550 word semi-autobiographical fiction novel, which I am currently calling, "Me, Me, Me, Yet Not Me." It is the first book of a trilogy. I am working on the second and third books simultaneously, and I am calling them, "You And Me," and "You, Me And Us." I've written two pages on book 2, and nothing at all on book 3, but I think about it all the time. Day and night. Even in my sleep.

    I have written a total of twelve fiction novels. My mom, dad, Aunt Fanny and Uncle Leroy have read them all, and they encouraged me to contact your agency.

    The story begins with me, but not me. Yes, it is based on some of my experiences, but not entirely. The main character is Shane Shawn, a young man who has been in jail for murder or treason or something, and now he is out, looking for revenge. He must have revenge. He's mad at the world, and the world is mad at him. He hates everyone, and everyone hates him. He despises himself, but which self does he despise? For he is him, him, him yet not him, and we don't know who he really is and neither does he. Can you imagine the confusion?

    Shane meets a beautiful, sexy, charming, lovely, yet troubled, dangerous, crazy but gentle, sweet, shy and daffy, crafty, goofy young waitress named Summer. Although they fall instantly, madly, insanely in love, they hate, loathe and disgust each other. She's perfect for him. They run away on a secret mission which will change the world, change their lives, and change nickles to dimes, thus changing change itself. What will become of them? Can you imagine? Well, can you?

    I studied writing in elementary school and once wrote a letter to the editor of the New York Times. It wasn't published, but wow, what a great letter.

    I have enclosed the entire manuscript and a check in the amount of $500 for the first installment of my payment to you. I know you will want to represent my book, for there is nothing like it on the market today. It is completely unique, special and . . . uh . . . unique, just like me. It will appeal to everyone who reads fiction novels, and may also appeal to people who don't read at all.

    Sincerely,

    Shawn Shane


    You must admit, I can really write crap. It gave me a good laugh to see these again.



  2. #2
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    Wow, those were very bad!! lol I love the query. This is my favorite line:

    and change nickles to dimes, thus changing change itself.

    Thanks for bringing it up and sharing, those must have been good times, eh?
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice
    MC

  3. #3
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries



    Yeah, they were pretty horrific! You definitely deserved to win. I think I'll sleuth down the thread, nevertheless; I'd like to see your competition.

    I studied writing in elementary school and once wrote a letter to the editor of the New York Times. It wasn't published, but wow, what a great letter.

    Hey, SS, are you this funny?

    *_*

  4. #4
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    Thank you, Kitty! I'm glad you enjoyed them.

    Sure, go back and look at all the entries. There are some great ones. Bad writing can be fun!

  5. #5
    Senior Member Lea Zalas's Avatar
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    Leslee, absolutely love the first sentence of your query letter. May I quote you when I rewrite mine? If I'm going to be rejected by every agent I query, then I should at least give them a damn good reason for doing so. LOL

  6. #6
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    No, Lea, my dear, don't quote me. Write your own, original bad opening. I have faith that you can write a Q every bit as terrible as mine! Well, maybe not. My letter is pretty freakin' bad!

    Just forget everything you've learned about query letters and let yourself go!

    It's way easier and more fun to write a bad Q than a good Q, but I'm sure you already know that.

  7. #7
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    Leslee,

    Perfect. Not close. Perfect.

    What I'm sayin'.

    This remains the only writers board I read.

    Cur

  8. #8
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    Thank you, Cur.

  9. #9
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    You're welcome, girl. (Crouching, waiting for incoming.)

    Those "entries" were very good work.

    Thank you again for slapping me upside the head when I went snarly at Victoria.

    As an aside, I suspect some new folks, and lurkers devoutly believe there's a clique here. If thazz true, they don't understand how this board works.

    Cur

  10. #10
    Senior Member Miranda Clementine's Avatar
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    Re: My Bad Writing Winning Entries

    Oh, no, there is definitely a clique here. It's called the If You are a Newbie You do not Exist clique. Well, we do exist, but only to have our writing picked on. But it's cool, I get it. You've established your turf, we should mind where we play until our initiation is complete.
    Even those who make their living in dreamland must do their chores in the real world.
    -Scarlett Rice
    MC

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