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  1. #31
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,016

    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    It's hard for me to distinguish what is important to include and what to leave out.

    Yes, that is exactly the challenge when you write a Q. Maybe don't look at it for a couple of days (or weeks) and let the whole thing percolate. Then you can return to it with a fresh perspective.



  2. #32
    Senior Member Herman Munster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    150

    Query Effort

    Amy Abig Wrote:
    -------------------------------------------------------
    ...
    > With the help of her best friend, Chloe is pushed
    > back into the dating world. Now, a secret society
    > of fallen angels surrounds her. To Chloe, they're
    > men she has nothing in common with, to them
    > however, she is their next victim.

    The secret society of fallen angels surrounds her. Chloe is their next victim.
    >
    Ready for a new beginning Chloe moves into the cottage behind her best friend's estate shared with her wealthy fiancé. He and his friends are gorgeous; they’re just Maggie's type.
    Then Chloe meets Phoenix; he’s intelligent, witty and utterly mysterious. She lets her guard down to experience love again.
    >
    His concern for her well being seems chivalrous, until Chloe discovers what he's protecting her from. She is now tainted by the knowledge of a secret society of nephilim and the fallen angels that created them. Their agenda IS to deceive a woman into producing an heir and offer her soul to their master. Chloe has choice IS trusting the nephilim FOR protection and eternal love, or fleeing her life to save her soul and Maggie's.
    >
    ENTERTAINING THE FALLEN is a 100,000-word novel.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    WORDS 155
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    I dropped a few words.
    I felt it needed to be a bit, punchier.

    I have been told that the Q has a sole purpose, Get the agent to ask to read more, that is when they asked for the S a full brevit of what happens and how it ends. They want to see a partial.
    Back to the Q, it is hit and run. I am not familiar with your genre which hurt my comprehension and I am not in your target market, so that hurts my opinion. It is my simple assumption based on memories, that the Q doesn't need to tell everything abpout what gets her outa bed everyday. Name the work, words, relevant characters and how to get going in the plot.
    Middle and climax is not required. I think you have covered these thing but far from leaning on the facts, I think you strayed in motive and action to bolster your Q.

    My impression is that you have the core to a great Q and work, if you do't like 155 words, then add another fact or two, try to avoid the emotives.

    Expert will comment on the validity or otherwise, of what I have tried to say.
    I hope you and me have something great here that will Q and results, that is all it counts.

  3. #33
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Query Effort

    Thanks Herman Munster, I appreciate your advice. I agree my query is bland, it's as if I'm afraid to amp it up. Not sure why I'm holding back. I like the pruning you did to my query, but I guess I still need to make it not so blah. I'm so tired of working on this but I can't give up, not now.
    Have a great day,
    Amy

  4. #34
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,016

    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    The re-write is not an improvement. Sorry, Herman.

  5. #35
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    LOL, can't fix what was already broken! but he sure gave it a try

  6. #36
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598

    Re: Query Effort

    Amy, take a little advice from someone who is battling her own QL demons - take a COMPLETE break.

    I did and it helped. I am now taking another break for a week or so before I even attempted to work on my improved QL.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  7. #37
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Query Effort

    I know your right, but it's so hard to leave it alone. I keep thinking "if I just arrange this sentence like this, and add that and take away this, than I'll have the perfect query. But I need to take a step back for a moment and just chill. All this time spent on this darn letter and I'm not even writing anything. It's like I've stopped everything to focus on this. I will take break from it for a while!
    Thanks : )

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