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  1. #1
    Amy Lou
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    Query Attempt #1000

    I've taken everyone's advice and tried to show who Chloe is, her conflict and what she must do. Is this on the right track or am I still going the wrong way?
    Thank you guys for your time already.



    Dear Agent,

    With the help of her best friend, Chloe is pushed back into the dating world. Now, a secret society of fallen angels surrounds her. To Chloe, they're men she has nothing in common with, to them however, she is their next victim.

    Ready for a new beginning in a different city, Chloe moves into the cottage behind her best friend's estate, the one she shares with her wealthy fiancé. It's no surprise that he and his friends are gorgeous and unable to mumble a complete thought; they’re just Maggie's type. Then Chloe meets Phoenix; he’s intelligent, witty and utterly mysterious. She lets her guard down to experience love again.

    His concern for her wellbeing seems chivalrous, until Chloe discovers what he's protecting her from. Her new beginning is now tainted by the knowledge of a secret society of nephilim and the fallen angels that created them. When she learns of their agenda to deceive a woman into producing an heir and offer her soul to their master, Chloe must choose between trusting the nephilim that has promised her protection and eternal love, or fleeing her life to save her soul. Oh, and Maggie's too.

    ENTERTAINING THE FALLEN is a 100,000-word novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    At the risk of irritating you with my manner of critique . . .

    With the help of her best friend, Chloe is pushed back into the dating world.

    Amy, this reads like a second sentence. There seems to be something missing in front of it.

    Also, if she's receiving "help," why is she being "pushed?" Wouldn't it be more accurate to say:

    "With a push from her best friend, Chloe begins dating again." Or something like that?

    But no matter how it's phrased, there seems to be an opening idea missing -- that she used to date and stopped for some reason.

    concern for her wellbeing

    It's well-being.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    Quote Originally Posted by Amy
    With the help of her best friend, Chloe is pushed back into the dating world. Now, a secret society of fallen angels surrounds her. To Chloe, they're men she has nothing in common with, to them however, she is their next victim.
    meh. Let's the air out of the Q. Why would I read more?

    Ready for a new beginning [s]in a different city[/s]redundant - new beginning says it all , Chloe moves into the cottage behind her best friend's estate, [s]the one she shares with her wealthy fiancé.[/s] Awkward, and with an indefinite pronoun. It's no surprise that he and his friends are gorgeous and unable to mumble a complete thought]empty-headed;they’re just Maggie's type. Then Chloe meets Phoenix; he’s intelligent, witty and utterly mysterious. She lets her guard down to experience love again. His concern for her wellbeing seems chivalrous, until Chloe discovers what he's protecting her from.
    What does C want? new beginning? why?
    What does she do to get it? Moves in with a bunch of people she doesn't like? meh. Not so hot


    Her new beginning is now tainted by the knowledge of a secret society of nephilim and the fallen angels that created them. When she learns of their agenda to deceive a woman into producing an heir and offer her soul to their master, Chloe must choose Nonono - that's the queen-hell mother cliche of all query cliches between trusting the nephilim that has promised her protection and eternal love, or fleeing her life to save her soul. Oh, and Maggie's too.

    What happens to keep her from getting what she wants? That's the stakes and must be specific. Is she kidnapped and forced (think of the rape scene in Rosemary's Baby)? If that's what happens (or nearly happens), say so. End it right there, on the cliffhanger when P breaks in to save her from...whatever they are.


    ENTERTAINING THE FALLEN is a 100,000-word novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
    Get underneath this to motivation. Read the sticky at the top of the forum for more information. .
    Stan

  4. #4
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    Hi Amy,

    No offense but this query letter makes your book sound really boring. Perhaps it comes from trying to make Chloe the protagonist when even though she has more pages than everybody else, she really is not the protagonist. Or maybe she really is the protagonist and is just at the center of a boring story.

    Or maybe your story is not boring and your query just make it sound that way.

    I don't think you've done a good job of setting up Chloe's goal, and the central conflict. What does Chloe want? What does she think moving will provide her. "Ready for a new beginning" is too vague.

    You need to start your query with a hook that... well... hooks.

    Also the writing in your query is not the same as the writing in your excerpt. Try to infuse the query with the same tone and voice that is in your novel. Show the agent that you can write, that you have a style of your own.

    I still think that Phoenix is your protagonist, he certainly sounds like he has a more interesting dilemma and a bigger internal conflict. Not to mention the fact that he just sounds like a more interesting character.

    Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic.

  5. #5
    Amy Lou
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    Leslee, I promise you are not irritating me and you haven't in the past. And I want to improve no matter how tough it is to hear something. I do see your point here UGH!!! I am afraid that an agent will think "Here we go another story about a girl that's going through a difficult divorce" So I have let that out, because I thought it paints a bad picture of Chloe and my story. Should I include that she's depressed, that she's over weight, she longs for a child and her husband is leaving her? I don't know anything anymore.

  6. #6
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    Amy--

    Am I remembering correctly? Isn't Chloe a "loser" magnet? Is the central conflict that she has chosen another "loser" (subplot?) or is it the saving of her soul?

    Both have been done to death. What makes your version stand out? What would make it stand out for an agent?

    And, I would practice that "sticky note" at the beginning of forum where Stan posted. It really gets the cogs turning.

    And, heck--I like what Simon says. (yes, that was intentional). Could you turn your ms into a thrilling page turner by making Phoenix the protagonist? Something to consider.

    Best of luck.

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    Thanks for going over this Stan, It's funny how it can look fantastic in my writing program and then as soon as I post it, it's CRAP! LOL I knew if I posted it I would see it differently. I agree with you, it's boring, it needs more. I have copied and pasted your suggestions in the information and read them over and over again. I'm just turned around.
    Thanks

  8. #8
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    No offense taken Simon says, I was hoping for the usuals to comment because you know where I've come from. I can't seem to find my voice when writing this query, it just won't translate over. I have tried writing it as if Chloe is telling us, I even tried writing it as if Phoenix is my mc. I posted that one below. It's rough but see if you like it any better? It was actually easier to write. I guess that should tell me something.

    Dear Agent,

    Phoenix is the son of a fallen angel. Roaming the earth for 1200 years, he's doing his part to contribute to the destruction of humanity, until he meets Chloe. She will make him question the only existecne he's ever known.

    She's renting the guesthouse behind his father's estate, the one he shares with his chosen victim, Chloe's best friend. The outside world assumes he and his legion are human, in their world they are the nephilim. Like his brothers, he is ordained to deceive a woman into producing an heir and offers her soul to his master, Lucifer. This is the destiny he must reside in until Chloe changes everything.

    When he meets Chloe, he will never allow her to fall in love with him or any of the others. They don't see her worth, that she is a masterpiece created by the one he seeks redemption from. She is the Angelus Adonai, a messenger of God. And he will protect her no matter the cost. Phoenix vows to protect her from his iniquities and betray his legion and Chloe will give her life to keep his heart from being known.

  9. #9
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    Well, Amy, you could always try my favorite writing exercise. It's a one sentence answer to the question, "What is your book about?"

    I've suggested it to many writers when they get bogged down in the Q letter.

    Tell me - what is the basic skeleton of your story? In ONE sentence, what is your book about? Yes, one sentence. And here's the example I use:

    A young girl from Kansas, caught in a tornado, is swept into a magical world of munchkins and witches, where she makes three new friends and learns there's no place like home.

    Bam! It's a no-frills sentence that can bring you back to the basics and calm your nerves. Try it! Then you work from your skeleton sentence to construct the Q letter. The sentence doesn't get used it the Q letter, it simply keeps you closer to what is essential in the description.

    It helps. Give it a shot.

    So, what is your book about? In one sentence.

  10. #10
    Amy Lou
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    Re: Query Attempt #1000

    Here is what my book is about. The sentence could be better, but here it is. Thanks for the suggestion.

    While healing from her past, Chloe falls in love, only to find out that the man she would die for is part of a secret society of fallen angels out to destroy her soul.

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