Daring the gauntlet

[Julie Harris]

After what happened on the last post, I needed a few belts of a good Merlot before venturing to run the gauntlet. This is a revision to an earlier posting. Some parts are unchanged (I've made so many modifications I've lost track). Is it interesting? Dumb? Whatever? The history is accurate as are the speech patterns for the English character (use of "'tis") but I'm not sure I've got the French dialog right.


The New Hampshire Grants (Modern Southern Vermont), Early May, 1757

Philip Moore slid his hand to his pistol when he heard the noise coming up the path. Hemlock needles scratched his face as he tilted his head, holding his breath. For several moments, he heard only the usual murmurs of the deep forest at mid-day. Then, voices seeped from behind the trees down the path. He was already secreted within the deepest boughs of the hemlock but took another, quiet step back.

They would not be talking ... 'Tis someone else. He set the pistol muzzle on a branch and moved his thumb to the hammer. As he squinted down the barrel, a form approached the path through the lattice of leaves and trees.

A muscular Indian wearing leggings and a breech cloth glided from the woods onto the path. His stern face and chest were painted in black and red streaks and two feathers dangled from his scalp lock. He gripped a tomahawk in his right hand, held low, by his thigh. A musket hung across his back, the muzzle sticking up above his shoulder. Close behind him was a young, white man dressed in the uniform of a Lieutenant in the La Reine French Regulars. A Charleville musket was strapped loosely, almost casually over his shoulder.

The Indian's eyes darted toward the hemlock and he raised the tomahawk.

"Non! Taxos! Arretz!" said the Lieutenant in a hoarse whisper. He held out his arm toward the Indian but did not touch him. "Nostri Domine! Nostri Domine!"

"Peccatis nostris," Philip called softly, completing the password. His gaze lingered on the Indian as he uncocked the pistol and slipped it into its place on his belt. He picked up his knapsack and stepped into the sunlight dribbling onto the path. "You're very late today, Lieutenant," he said , walking toward them, smiling faintly but keeping his eyes on the Indian, his hand near the pistol. "'Tis after mid-day."

"Yes, yes, but no matter," said the Lieutenant with the lilt of a French accent. He hooked his thumbs on the belt around his coat, the red cuffs of his sleeves dusting the scabbord for his bayonet and hatchet. "Is your horse up the hill?"

Philip nodded. "At the top. Behind the boulders." He swung the knapsack over a shoulder. Burn scars on his hands glinted in a thread of sunlight.

The Lieutenant jerked his head toward the hill. "Taxos, vas cherchez le cheval. S'il vous plait." Grunting, Taxos shoved the tomahawk into his waistband. He flung a dark glance toward Philip then bounded up the hill as silently as a lynx. Tufts of hair edging his leggings fluttered as he climbed.

Are you ready, mon ami"? asked the Lieutenant, watching Taxos disappear around the boulders. He reached into the pocket of his greatcoat, withdrawing a large handkerchief and turned to Philip. "Oh, and I want your pistol, if you please. Now."

Philip stared into the boyish face then pulled the pistol from his belt. "This wasn't part of the agreement," he said, his voice tinged with alarm. "I'm not a prisoner." He placed the weapon into the outstretched hand.

[Frank Baron]

I read it to the end, a relative rarity when I venture into this forum.

I don't see a whole heck of a lot wrong with it. I'd quibble with a word choice or three ("lilt" seems more fitting for an Irish accent, not French. Don't like "tinged" with alarm either. Try "rose." ) I'll back away quietly now, and let the regs have atcha'. But overall, I think it's pretty decent.


Edited to remove a smiley that should've been a parenthesis.

[Julie Harris]

Thank you, Frank. I don't know how to get rid of those smiley things. I KNOW I typed a parenthesis onto the keyboard ... merlot or no merlot.

[Lea Zalas]

Julie, unfortunately if you type a period immediately followed by a parenthesis, it will give you a smiley face. You have to put a space after the period, then do the parenthesis. It's the only way I've found to stop it.

[Kitty Foyle]

Frank/Julie

That winking smiley/parenthesis thing has happened to me several times. Aggravating, isn't it! So now I (try to remember to) put an extra space before the last ).

"Close behind him was a young, white man ..."

Julie, I'd zap the comma after "young."

*_*

[Julie Harris]

Kitty and Lea: Thanks for the info! Finally, the antidote to the smiley face!

[Author Pendragin]

I recently had the privilege of reading a Pulitzer prize winner, David Kennedy, and the amount of detail that he gives in a single sentence is astonishing. His book, "freedom from fear" is the size of war and peace, but it's a delicious read. Others may disagree with me, but one of the main issues I see with your excerpt is your word choice. To me it reads: still getting ideas down on paper, playing it safe. It needs tightening.

muscular Indian -- Indian is a general word. Don't most Indians belong to a tribe of some kind? Is he a youth or an elder? Normally, youths are called bucks.

His stern face and chest -- His chest was stern too?

Close behind him was a young, white man dressed in the uniform of a Lieutenant in the La Reine French Regulars.A Charleville musket was strapped loosely, almost casually over his shoulder. -- You mean: Close behind, a young white man dressed in a La Reine French Regulars' uniform arrived; a Charleville musket strapped casually over his shoulder?

His gaze lingered on the Indian as he uncocked the pistol and slipped it into [s]its place on[/s] his belt -- its place on is not needed.

He hooked his thumbs on the belt around his coat, the red cuffs of his sleeves dusting the scabbard for his bayonet and hatchet. "Is your horse up the hill?" -- shouldn't this be of instead of for?

Philip stared into the boyish face then pulled the pistol from his belt -- the boyish face?

You've got it, I think. You'll work that stuff out with practice. One sentence that I really liked was: two feathers dangled from his scalp lock. -- scalp lock is very succinct.

[Stan Miller]

Julie Harris Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> After what happened on the last post, I needed a few belts of a good Merlot before venturing to run the gauntlet. This is a revision to an earlier posting. Some parts are unchanged (I've made so many modifications I've lost track).
Is it interesting? Dumb? Whatever? The history is accurate as are the speech patterns for the English character (use of "'tis") but I'm not sure I've got the French dialog right.


I thought you got off pretty light the first time. Still some padding in it, but not as much as before.

Side note to Author, us Injuns don't particularly appreciate derogatory terms like bucks. Makes us want to sharpen our scalpin' knives.

[Joe Zeff]

"Close behind him was a young, white man dressed in the uniform of a Lieutenant in the La Reine French Regulars."

This is needlessly wordy. Better would be something like, "Close behind him was a young man dressed as a Lieutenant in the La Reine French Regulars."

See the difference? Mine says everything yours does but cuts out the wasted verbiage. Like many inexperienced writers you need to learn how to avoid using seven words to say what can be said in three. Don't worry, though, as time goes on, not only will you get better at catching and correcting things like this, you'll learn how to avoid it in the first place. Think of it as part of the learning curve.

[John Hawkwood]

Julie,

I think it's a very good start. While I see things I could suggest to make it flow better and express what you seem to want to express more clearly, they aren't the sort of things that make you go, "This is bad."

And yeah, those automatic smileys are annoying.

Here come the caps!


Philip Moore slid his hand to his pistol when he heard the noise coming up the path. THE NOISE MAKES HIM REACH FOR THE PISTOL, SO I RECOMMEND PUTTING THINGS IN THAT ORDER - THAT WAY THE READER IS PULLED ALONG IN THE TIMELINE RATHER THAN READING WHAT HAPPENS AND THEN GETTTING JERKED BACK IN TIME TO THE CAUSE Hemlock needles scratched his face as he tilted his head, SAME THING: THE HEAD TILT IS THE CAUSE, SO PUT IT FIRST holding his breath. For several moments, DON'T THINK YOU NEED THIS CLAUSE he heard only the usual murmurs of the deep forest at mid-day. I LIKE THAT Then, voices seeped NOT SURE "SEEPED" IS THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR HERE from behind the trees DO YOU NEED "BEHIND THE TREES"? down the path. He was already secreted "SECRETED" IS OKAY BUT PULLS ME OUT OF THE SCENE A BIT BECAUSE IT'S SUCH AN UNCOMMON WORD WHEN "HIDDEN" WOULD DO JUST AS WELL within the deepest boughs of the hemlock but took another, quiet step back. YOU WANT THIS TO ALL FLOW QUICKLY, I THINK, SO MAYBE LOSE THE COMMA, WHICH TENDS TO MAKE THE READER PERCEIVE A PAUSE

They would not be talking ... 'Tis someone else. DOESN'T IT TURN OUT TO BE THE PEOPLE HE'S WAITING FOR? SO, WAS HE JUST WRONG? He set the pistol muzzle on a branch and moved his thumb to the hammer. As he squinted down the barrel, a form approached the path through the lattice of leaves and trees. "A FORM APPROACHED THE PATH" IS A BIT AWKWARD. THE READER (WRONGLY) ASSUMES YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY SOMEONE APPROACHED ON THE PATH. I'D SUGGEST REPLACING IT WITH SIMPLY "SOMEONE APPROACHED THROUGH THE LATTICE OF LEAVES AND TREES" OR "SOMEONE APPROACHED, DIMLY VISIBLE THROUGH THE LATTICE OF LEAVES AND TREES" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

A muscular Indian wearing leggings and a breech cloth glided from the woods onto the path. His stern face and chest AUTHOR P. MADE A GOOD POINT HERE were painted in black and red streaks YOU COULD CHANGE FROM PASSIVE TO ACTIVE VOICE HERE BY REVERSING THIS CLAUSE - "BLACK AND RED STREAKED HIS CHEST AND STERN FACE" and two feathers dangled from his scalp lock. He gripped a tomahawk in his right hand, held low, by his thigh. THIS SENTENCE COULD USE SOME JUGGLING, LIKE "HE HELD A TOMAHAWK LOW BY HIS RIGHT THIGH." A musket hung across his back, the muzzle sticking up above his shoulder. Close behind him was a young, DON'T NEED THE COMMA white man dressed in the uniform of a Lieutenant in the La Reine French Regulars. A Charleville musket was strapped loosely, almost casually GET RID OF "ALMOST" AND "SLIGHTLY" AND "SOMEWHAT" CLAUSES WHENEVER YOU CAN - ANYWAY, HOW THE HELL CAN THE WAY A GUN IS STRAPPED OVER A SHOULDER BE "CASUAL"? over his shoulder.

The Indian's eyes darted toward the hemlock and he raised the tomahawk.

"Non! Taxos! Arretz!" said the Lieutenant in a hoarse whisper. He held out his arm toward the Indian but did not touch him. "Nostri Domine! Nostri Domine!"

"Peccatis nostris," Philip called softly, completing the password. His gaze lingered on the Indian as he uncocked the pistol and slipped it into its place on his I'D GET RID OF "ITS PLACE ON" AND JUST SAY HE SLIPPED IT INTO HIS BELT belt. He picked up his knapsack and stepped into the sunlight dribbling AGAIN, DON'T THINK "DRIBBLING" IS WHAT YOU WANT HERE onto the path. "You're very late today, Lieutenant," he said , EXTRA SPACE walking toward them, MIGHT WANT TO BREAK SENTENCES HERE AND FORM THE NEXT IN SIMPLE PAST TENSE smiling faintly but keeping his eyes on the Indian, his hand near the pistol. "'Tis after mid-day."


Again - pretty good but always room to tune up. Good luck!

JH