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  1. #1
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    RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    I have been looking at the idea of NOT telling the story as I cannot see how I can sum up my 'story' in 300 words.
    Instead, I have taken a really hard look at what other QL have done with historical-fantasy and what lit agents have also said of successful QL's in this genre - specailly for epic tales covering long periods of time.

    You may not like it - and I do want to know - but I also want to know if the 'idea' of the QL approach is working. Personally, I can see how this might work - if the combination of interest V informaiton is mixed 'just right'
    Comments?

    Death is neither a direct trip to the worm-farm nor to the ‘Pearly-Gates’ but an in-between world where gods and deities determine our destiny’s.

    Beginning in southern Europe in the year 924AD, Zvonimir’s Curse is the story of a prophecy from a God, a curse from a King and soothsayer, Cecilia, who becomes and immortal guardian. Cecilia travels through the centuries, protecting a fated bloodline from a pack of merciless witches – the Jezi Babas and their carnivorous minions from killing the king’s descendants before they can kill the witches – far in the year 2038.

    A 115,000-word historical-fantasy spanning eleven hundred years of European history and Slav mythology. A mix of forgotten dynasty’s, faded deities, ghost soldiers and malicious witches – and a group of romantic, adventurous, if at first slightly naďve, heroic women. This story draws on my Croatian heritage interweaving Slav mythological creatures as the enemy of all mankind.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    I think you're getting warmer. Allot of fine tuning still but better. Things that aren't necessary IMO:

    - Throw out the first line, you keep trying to put in these fancy writer shmiter lines that aren't adding any value to the query.
    - Ditch the minions
    - spanning eleven hundred years can go because we already know because you mentioned dates previously.

    It's late and I don't feel like writing anything else. I'm sure others will have more (punctuation).

    DK

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    our destiny’s.

    It's spelled destinies.

    is the story of

    you know. It's always an error to use that.

    who becomes and immortal guardian

    an immortal guardian

    witches – the Jezi Babas and their carnivorous minions from

    You need a second em dash behind "minions"

    kill the witches – far in the year 2038.

    Get rid of "- far in the year 2038 and just end with "witches."

    A 115,000-word historical-fantasy spanning eleven hundred years of European history and Slav mythology. A mix of forgotten dynasty’s, faded deities, ghost soldiers and malicious witches – and a group of romantic, adventurous, [s]if at first[/s] slightly naďve, heroic women. This story draws on my Croatian heritage interweaving Slav mythological creatures as the enemy of all mankind.

    It's a run-on sentence, a summary, tells without showing, contains a misspelling (dynasties, not dynasty's), pointless lists, etc. - just about everything I don't like in a sentence. However, if you're going to do it this way, it would have to be edited to make better sense. Try this for example:

    A 115,000-word historical-fantasy spanning eleven hundred years of European history and Slav mythology, Zvonimir’s Curse is a mix of forgotten dynasties, faded deities, ghost soldiers and malicious witches – and a group of romantic, adventurous, slightly naďve and heroic women. It draws upon my Croatian heritage while interweaving Slav mythological creatures as the enemy of all mankind.

    If you want to know if this is a better approach than you've been using lately, my answer is yes. It is definitely an improvement.

    But, Raven, with all respect, you've got to learn to use an apostrophe properly. If your manuscript is filled with errors like "dynasty's" and "destiny's," you're going to have an agent shaking their head and wondering why you didn't bother to fix such simple errors. And you MUST read your work aloud. You have to develop an ear for the way the words fall, the flow of a sentence. If you do, you will find many of your errors without any help. You need to read your entire manuscript that way before you show it to anyone.

    These are the ketchup bottles and salt shakers of writing. The basics. The clean-up work does matter. I strongly suggest you start doing it.

    As always, I wish you the best.

  4. #4
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    I'll go with leslee on the reading aloud part. It really does work. If you're using Windows, MS has a built-in narrator (clunky but can be improved a bit with Natural Reader freeware) that will read a Word doc to you. It sounds like Stephen Hawking, but it's understandable. Macs have something similar. I've ordered Natural Reader home version (on sale now for $50 US). I'll report on it after I install it and test.
    Stan

  5. #5
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    Thanks guys,

    I feel it is 'running on the right track' too.

    I am going to let it 'brew' for a few days and have taken a copy of your notes/suggestions Leslee - to work through later in the week.
    As I said, I got myself stuck on the 'tell the story' mode - and because that is not possible, every V of the QL was always going to be lacking. Once I found some sites that actually had examples of how to structure QL's for historical-fantasy novels, I kind of found a comfortable path.

    I'll let the monster sleep for a few days before I poke it again - but thanks - knowing it is an improvement is a good starting point.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    Satyrical Raven,
    First of all, I'm happy for you, looks like you're on your way to leaving me behind. LOL I do think you are on the right track with this new approach. All of the critiques you have received I agree with. If you do those things and work on this a bit more you could really have something.
    Good luck!
    Amy

  7. #7
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    Raven,

    At the risk of sounding like I'm piling on, I have two comments.

    Yes, this is an improvement.

    But I have wondered from the git go whether your MS is ready to submit. As Leslee mentioned, the basic errors in many of your posts leave me wondering if you're ahead of yourself. Reading your MS out loud will test your patience. It'll also allow you to "see" small errors piling up.

    Feel free to ignore.

    Cur

  8. #8
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    I don't ignore you Cur - it's a valid point.

    My trouble is that I have been so stressed about the QL thar I have forgotten every grammar lesson I ever knew - my dad is ribbing me about it too - suggested I try writing everything in Latin, might get the grammar right then ! lol
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  9. #9
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    Cur,

    just to clear the 'reading out loud' question - that is exactly what I'm doing atm.
    2-3 weekends out of 4 I head to my parents farm. My dad has a complete copy of the MS - he prepares 20 odd pages and then we read, out loud, word-for-word, the pages. Usually I read and dad follows, picking up issues of puntuation because I know how the sentence etc should sound and dad sees how I have written it.
    It's a very long process but it has picked up many small errors (I think I mentioned not too long ago I typed conservation but I should have typed conversation - things like that). Dad is really good at grammar, even if English isn't his first language. Dads also had work published (although not in English - while his English is perfect, writing poetically in a second language is much harder than reading good poetry).

    So to answer your concern, that is exactly what I am doing. The MS is finished but the final 'polish' is not - this doesn't mean I can't work on my QL though
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  10. #10
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    Re: RIGHT! Totally different approach - 4get the mini synopsis!

    Without having to search too far for this answer, i'll begin by saying I believe your ms is YA? No? Anyway, if it is, maybe get some YAs to review it. I know my 15 year old is a whiz at grammar and catching irregularities in story line. She catches stuff I tend to skip right over.

    Good to hear that your father helps you and that you appreciate it.

    Best of luck.

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