Requesting Query Feedback for a 1st Timer

[Jordan Eddy]

Hi All,
I was hoping to get some critical feedback on the query letter below.
I would really appreciate a new set of eyes. Please assume that the appropriate greeting and ending will be used.
I was also hoping to get feedback on the genre that I chose to describe the novel, Young Adult Fantasy.
Should I select a genre that is more specific, such as Metaphysical Fiction, New Age Fiction, Urban, etc.
Thanks for taking the time to review.
Jordan.




Two brothers, Joshua and Noah, discover God’s original plan for Mankind. The shocking revelation and their transformation creates conflict between them when the oldest brother begins to implement a scheme that will not only reinstitute God’s plan, but also give Noah absolute control over all souls.

This completed 91,000 word young adult fantasy is set in present day and entitled "Synergist: The Return of Judas".
It is the first in a series, and I hope you might consider it for further review.

Joshua is an affluent nineteen year old college student who learns that he is a Synergist, a person that can augment his natural abilities by oppressing the souls of the dead. Struggling to use his power for good and maintain a normal life, he discovers the origin of his talents and that the use of his power comes with a heavy price. A price that has placed his ancestors and those like him behind a number of the most despicable acts perpetrated in human history. For the few who know the truth about the Synergist Guild and their deeds, his presence is an impending threat that must be controlled and inevitably ‘Corrected’.

With his parents missing and presumed dead, Joshua is left to choose between rationalizing Noah’s sinister plan and joining him or attempting to control what he has become and face off against his brother and those who are opposed to his very existence.

[Avonne Writer]

Hello, This sound intriquing to me. I would read it. But, I love YA. (Sounds like it will get very spiritual, too. Have you read Christopher Pike's, Thirst novels....very spiritual)

As far as the Q: I believe your 2nd Paragraph should be at the end of your query, not stuck in the middle of it. I also found it a bit wordy--got me tongue tied, if you know what I mean. I'll look at it further when I have more time. But, I love the premise.

[C K]

Hi Jordan.

An ambitious plot. I like the title, "The Return of Judas," although I don't see in this Q how the title is supported by the plot. Which brother is supposed to pick up where Judas left off? Or what's the meaning of the title in relation to the plot? I'll just stick comments in the text.



Two brothers, Joshua and Noah, discover God’s original plan for Mankind. Seems like your story is about Joshua so I'd consider making it apparent Noah is secondary right from the start. "Joshua and his brother, Noah,.." Don't think "mankind is up." The shocking revelation A bit much. Revelations are usually shocking, right? and their transformation What transformation? Discovering something doesn't automatically transform anyone. creates conflict between them when the oldest brother We don't know which one is eldest so this gets awkward. begins to implement a scheme Can't you just say, "when Noah schemes..." that will not only reinstitute Is that the word you want? God's plan was institutionalized, stopped being so, and is getting back on track? Is so, does that make it strange that the brothers would have to "discover" a plan that had been instituted? God’s plan, but also give Noah absolute control Absolute control? As opposed to partial control? Make sure the word absolute is adding meaning to the word control. over all souls.

This completed 91,000 a hyphen goes here young adult fantasy Thank you for not writing "fantasy novel." Don't know if this is fantasy so much. is set in the present day and entitled "Synergist: The Return of Judas". Kill off a few words by just saying, Synergist: The Return of Judas, a 91,000-word contemporary young adult whatever...
It is the first in a series, The arguments for not mentioning a series during the Q phase are pretty good, not sure that I'm convinced they're always right, but be sure you understand them and make a reasoned decision. and I hope you might consider it for further review.

Joshua is an affluent nineteen year old Oh, my goodness more missing hyphens. Brush up on compound modifiers. college student who learns that What's the "that" doing for you? he is a Synergist, a person that Person's are "who" can augment his natural abilities by oppressing the souls of the dead. I don't know what that means? Either his natural abilities or how he could oppress the dead. Struggling to use his power But I don't know what his powers are. As far as I know, natural abilities are along the lines of having a good ear for music, extra big heart that means faster running. for good and maintain a normal life, he discovers the origin of his talents Good for him, but you haven't communicated anything to the reader. and that the use of his power comes with a heavy price. A price that has placed his ancestors and those like him behind a number of the most despicable acts perpetrated in That's a lot of words for a simple idea. Why not just "...behind the most despicable acts in human history." human history. I'm confused. The heavy price (watch the cliches) is what Joshua pays for using his powers. Right? So how does using his powers account for despicable past acts? Are you playing with the arrow of time here? Or did you mean something different? Or am I reading this wrong? For the few who know the truth about the Synergist Guild and their deeds, his presence is an impending threat Aren't all threats impending? Is part of the definition of threat? that must be controlled and inevitably ‘Corrected’. Why bother with "controlled"? Why is corrected capitalized?

One of the difficulties in placing your word count, genre info in the middle of your plot summary is that we're unsure if the third graph is a continuation of the first, or if the first was more of a summary and the third starts the story again.

With his parents missing and presumed dead, There's been no mention of parents. If their presumed deaths are what precipitates J's choice as you've implied here, bring them up sooner. If not, leave them out. Joshua is left to choose between Avoid this cliche "is left to choose" business. It's so common in Qs; be more original. rationalizing Noah’s sinister plan Cliche and joining him or attempting The way you've constructed this sentence leaves your power words -- rationalize, join, attempt -- relegated to their less powerful -ing forms (forget what they're called). to control what he has become and face off against his brother and those who are opposed to his very existence. [u]"Very existence" rings melodramatic to my ear. Seems like the brother against brother thing would be your more powerful closing idea.

Hope something here is helpful. Good luck.

[Jordan Eddy]

C K
Thanks so much for the critical eye, I truly appreciate it.
I plan to spend this weekend working on the revision.

[Jordan Eddy]

Avonne,

Thanks for the kind words.
No I haven't, but I will do some research on Pike's novels this weekend.

Understood. I plan to have something by the end of this weekend.
Thanks again.

J

[leslee]

JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

This is not a bad opening shot at a Q letter. What I like about it is that you aren't over-writing. However, this paragraph:

This completed 91,000 word young adult fantasy is set in present day and entitled "Synergist: The Return of Judas".
It is the first in a series, and I hope you might consider it for further review.

belongs at the bottom and you've got some extra stuff you don't need. Don't say "completed," it is assumed you wouldn't be querying if it wasn't complete. Don't say it's the first in a series. You pitch one book at a time. If an agent asks for more and wants to talk to you, THEN you can tell them about a potential series. It doesn't belong in a Q letter.

Also:

Two brothers, Joshua and Noah, discover God’s original plan for Mankind. The shocking revelation and their transformation creates conflict between them when the oldest brother begins to implement a scheme that will not only reinstitute God’s plan, but also give Noah absolute control over all souls.

This is a summary. Phrases like "shocking revelation and their transformation" are not examples of SHOWING, which is what you need in a Q letter. You don't start with a mini-synopsis like this, you just start with the details of the storyline. I'd delete all of it and start with:

Joshua is a Synergist - a person that can augment his natural abilities by oppressing the souls of the dead.

Now, THAT would keep me reading.

[Cas Webb]

Hi Jordan, i've added my thoughts in the body of your query. please remember i'm no expert, just my opinion.

Jordan Eddy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hi All,
> I was hoping to get some critical feedback on the
> query letter below.
> I would really appreciate a new set of eyes.
> Please assume that the appropriate greeting and
> ending will be used.
> I was also hoping to get feedback on the genre
> that I chose to describe the novel, Young Adult
> Fantasy.
> Should I select a genre that is more specific,
> such as Metaphysical Fiction, New Age Fiction,
> Urban, etc.
> Thanks for taking the time to review.
> Jordan.
>
>
>
>
> Two brothers, Joshua and Noah, discover God’s
> original plan for Mankind. And i'm bored. this line has to grab me and shock me into picking up the manuscript NOW, but instead i feel like i'm about to get a bible lesson yuck.The shocking revelation
> and their transformation creates conflict between
> them when the oldest brother begins to implement a
> scheme that will not only reinstitute God’s
> plan, but also give Noah absolute control over all
> souls.
>
> This completed 91,000 word young adult fantasy is
> set in present day and entitled "Synergist: The
> Return of Judas".
> It is the first in a series, and I hope you might
> consider it for further review. Thats a wrap-up-query-over sentence, don't jump from that back into the query it's just too confusing
>
> Joshua is an affluent nineteen year old college
> student who learns that he is a Synergist, a
> person that can augment his natural abilities by
> oppressing the souls of the dead. I like this sentence, it lets me know what's going on but there's not enough detail. How does he oppress the dead souls and why, they never bother me, do they bother your mc? threaton to destroy the world? provide a source of power? Struggling to
> use his power for good and maintain a normal life,
> he discovers the origin of his talents and that
> the use of his power comes with a heavy price. don't be vague, details, what price? i can't feel for your mc if he just might get a hefty bill from council for oppressing souls A
> price that has placed his ancestors and those like
> him behind a number of the most despicable acts
> perpetrated in human history. again details, bare bonmes of your story. are we talking historical facts or amazing events that only happen in your story?For the few who know
> the truth about the Synergist Guild and their
> deeds, who, again generalising. his presence is an impending threat that
> must be controlled and inevitably ‘Corrected’.
>
>
> With his parents missing and presumed dead, Joshua
> is left to choose between rationalizing Noah’swhen did noah become the bad guy? why? i have no sense for how your character feels about this
> sinister plan and joining him or attempting to
> control what he has become and face off against
> his brother and those who are opposed to his very
> existence.

i would suggest some time making the query tighter, i'm a bit lost on the tone of your work and the characters seem shallow and 2D but it's an interesting storyline and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, good luck with it