Let's try again, shall we?

[Delany Sierra Sierra]

At the risk of looking stupid:

Dear Agent,

Avery Rowan covets one thing more than even the lives of those about him: his humanity. And he’ll do anything to restore himself to that which he once was—human—be it by way of murder, manipulation, or betrayal.

His maker, the one responsible for his deplorable condition, offers him a deal: if he can, by way of gutting another’s memories and replacing them with his own, create a replacement for himself, she will grant him what she tore from him—the capacity to feel, love. Hate. But to do so is to maim that last shred of humanity he does still possess, and he’s forced to choose which matters more to him: preserving what little morality he’s managed to nurse into existence, or full-blown humanity at the price of another’s sanity.

Unbeknownst to him, the stakes quickly escalate as a past lover pursues him across Revolutionary America. While he dwells on integrity and grows closer to the victim of his maker’s proposed murder, the Hunter draws ever nearer, seeking compensation for past wrongs; namely, scorning her and committing high treason against her people.

He can become human once more, live beneath the visage of an innocent being, and evade the Hunter forever. Or he can hide and pray that the Hunter never finds him, because if she does, his fate will be worse than death itself.

COLD BLOODED is a 94,000 word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your consideration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
I know I have a problem with vagueness, but I don't know how to eliminate that. What should I add to make it clearer?

[leslee]

Avery Rowan covets one thing more than even the lives of those about him: his humanity. And he’ll do anything to restore himself to that which he once was—human—be it by way of murder, manipulation, or betrayal.

JUST MY OPINION FEEL FREE TO IGNORE

Well, I'm pretty sure you know this isn't a good opener. It's rambling, listing.

The first idea:

Avery Rowan covets one thing more than even the lives of those about him: his humanity.

Avery Rowan covets one thing is a good opener. From there, it slips into chatter. So, since you've got one solid idea in the whole opener, suppose you run with it:

Avery Rowan covets one thing - his humanity.

You might just go with that as an opener, and do all the explaining in the paragraphs below.

But this stuff:

And he’ll do anything to restore himself to that which he once was—human—be it by way of murder, manipulation, or betrayal.

all needs a rewrite, and "by way of murder, manipulation or betrayal" is a meaningless list and has to go altogether. SHOW us these things in the paragraphs. The list is cliche and boring. Lose it.

You can do better. I wish you the best.

[Lea Zalas]

Somehow you need to work into your query just what it is that your MC is - immortal, vampire, werewolf, defrocked god, etc. and why he would want to give it up to become mortal.

[Delany Sierra Sierra]

@Lea:
Ha! I was so broken up over not overdoing or under-doing it that I totally forgot about that!
Silly, silly Delany. *goes to try to work it in somewhere*
@leslee:
I see what you mean. Thanks for the advice!

This site is so much more helpful than any other one I've ever tried. And HONEST. Which is what really matters.

[C K]

Delany,

Do I understand your last question of this Q correctly? Avery can either give up morality to become a really creepy, murderous human, or he can stay inhuman and spend his time hiding from a killer? I don't get it. I want to say, but what about door number three -- Avery, off yourself and put a a character with an intriguing choice on the page. Surely those aren't the actual choices your protagonist faces.

[Jena Grace]

Agree with Lea. We need to know what this "deplorable condition" is.

[C K]

Sorry Delany. Didn't mean my above comment to sound like it does. I'm sure your character's choices are intriguing in the book, just the expression of them in the Q needs work.

[Delany Sierra Sierra]

New version:


Dear Agent,

Avery Rowan covets one thing more than even the lives of those about him: his humanity. And he’ll do anything to get it back.

He’s a hybrid of an Imorian—a creature that robs mortals of their memories, leaving them walking shells—and his former human self. Condemned to solitude, he belongs nowhere.

Giselle, the Imorian responsible for his deplorable condition, offers him a deal; if he can create a replacement for himself by way of gutting another’s memories and replacing them with his own, she will return the future she tore from him. But to do so is to destroy that last shred of humanity he does still possess. He’s forced to choose which matters more to him: preserving what little morality he’s managed to nurse back into existence, or a return to full-blown humanity at the price of another’s sanity.

Unbeknownst to him, the stakes quickly escalate when a past lover is forced to Hunt him across war-torn Revolutionary America. He wrestles with ethics and grows closer to the victim of Giselle’s proposed murder as his Hunter draws ever nearer.

He can become human once more, live beneath the visage of an innocent being, and evade his Hunter forever. Or, he can retain his integrity, in the process denying himself a final chance at normalcy.

COLD BLOODED is a young adult fantasy novel of 94,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[C K]

Delany,

I don't get your first two sentences.

"Avery Rowan covets one thing more than even the lives of those about him: his humanity."

So his humanity is the thing he covets most. But is covet the word you want? That would mean someone(thing) else has his humanity. Is that what you mean?
It's unclear what it means to covet the lives of those about him. Does that mean he covets their status as alive? Or that he covets the quality of the lives they're living, like good jobs and hot girlfriends.

"And he’ll do anything to get it back."

Writing this negates the choice that's apparently the big plot question. You have him struggling with what he'll be willing do to. By telling us right at the get-go,
that he'll do anything, you've already zapped any power from the choice because you already told us he'll do anything. We already know the ending.

[Delany Sierra Sierra]

I see. So would "treasures" be better than "covets"? And would it be better just to take that second sentence out or replace it with something powerful (that doesn't give the ending away)?