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  1. #1
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    Dec 2010
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    This paragraph has me troubled

    I don't know if I am getting the message and feel of the first impression right..I have read it TOO many times to be any longer impartial.

    I, Brimly Tinderbuss, am not dismayed by the Kings new order or surprised by the populaces quiet acceptance of it. I am mortified by the meaning of it. Sitting hunched over my desk, tucked tight in the corner of a small but warm attic, my quill scratches endlessly on not too cheap parchment. The feather but a blur, my mind too fast for my fingers, eyes too tired to make perfect the words I conjure. My mind sprints ahead of my writing so I will my fingers and feather quill to keep pace, always the loosing race...until the words became unintelligible and my mind trips and forgets the direction I sought.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Nov 2010
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    263

    Re: This paragraph has me troubled

    I assume the antique style is deliberate, so won't mess with that. But there's a couple nits that could be picked.

    I, Brimly Tinderbuss, am not dismayed by the Kingapostrophes new order nor[s]or[/s] surprised by the populaceapostrophes quiet acceptance of it. I am mortified by the meaning of it Huh? You said you were "...not dismayed..." earlier. .. Sitting hunched over my desk, tucked tight in the corner of a small but warm attic, my quill scratches endlessly on not too cheap parchment. The feather but a blur, my mind too fast for my fingers, eyes too tired to make perfect the words I conjure. My mind sprints ahead of my writing so I will my fingers and feather quill to keep pace, always the loosing race...until the words became unintelligible and my mind trips and forgets the direction I sought.
    Nice.
    Stan

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Mar 2006
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    Ohio
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    3,866

    Re: This paragraph has me troubled

    "The feather but a blur, my mind too fast for my fingers, eyes too tired to make perfect the words I conjure."

    This sentence frag does not fit in with the writing style.

  4. #4
    Member
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    Dec 2010
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    69

    Re: This paragraph has me troubled

    Stan,
    Appeciate your help. What does this mean: Kingapostrophes populaceapostrophes



    I, Brimly Tinderbuss, am not shocked by the Kings new order nor surprised by the populaces quiet acceptance of it. I am mortified by the meaning of it. Sitting hunched over my desk, tucked tight in the corner of a small but warm attic, my quill scratches endlessly on not too cheap parchment. The feather is but a blur and my mind is too fast for my fingers. Now my eyes are too tired to make perfect the words I conjure. My mind sprints ahead of my writing so I will my fingers and feather quill to keep pace, always the loosing race...until the words became unintelligible and my mind trips and forgets the direction I sought.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Nov 2010
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    263

    Re: This paragraph has me troubled

    "...King's order..." "...populace's quiet acceptance..." You need apostrophes to show possessive case.
    Stan

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
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    1,142

    Re: This paragraph has me troubled

    <What does this mean: Kingapostrophes populaceapostrophes >

    So, you don't know what an apostrophe is? The possessive form? What about dangling participles (is your quill really sitting hunched over your desk)? Run-on clauses? Shifting tense?

    And what does it mean, Brimly Tinderbuss is not shocked but he is mortified. Really?

    And one conjures images or devils or schemes. Words not so much.

    Relax. You're trying too hard.

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