HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Adrienne Wenner
    Guest

    Query Letter-I'm stuck. Help?

    I've rewritten my query letter countless times. I don't want to waste anyone's time with garbage but at this point I'm stuck. Am I on the right track? I really need opinions from experienced writers. Thank you so much for your time and criticism.



    Dear Agent,

    Some secrets aren’t meant to be kept.

    Evie Evans has found out a life changing massive secret from her favorite rock star, Reg. Reg is her biological father.

    Evie is a musically driven sixteen year old who is a little more mature than most. Perhaps it’s because she has been abused emotionally and physically for most of her life. She feels out of place at home, at school, and virtually everywhere.

    Elated and confused, Evie ceases the opportunity to move to Ireland in hopes of starting a new life with Reg. As Evie adapts to the rock star lifestyle while she tours with her father’s band; she makes unusual friendships along the way.

    She must overcome her abusive past as she strives to be loved and accepted by her father. If she doesn’t find a place in her new home, Evie is destined to have a gaping hole in her life forever.

    “Secrets of an Unconventional Rock Star” is a 80,000 work of young adult fiction. I am a journalism student at Hofstra University and this is my first novel.

    The completed novel is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    227

    Re: Query Letter-I'm stuck. Help?

    Hi Adrienne,

    Some things from me:
    1. Your first line tells nothing of the book. You can throw it away.
    2. Your next two sentences are poorly constructed. Think of how you can combine these into a single sentence using strong verbs.
    3. You're not doing any showing, it's all telling. Instead of "...who is a little more mature than most." You could say something like, "Evie doesn't giggle about boys like the other girls in grade twelve, she's more interested in here music career." That's a rough example but I think makes the point.
    4. Ceases should be seizes.
    5. Poor punctuation like hyphens in the age as well as your use of semicolons. Poor abused semicolons.
    6. Your stakes are very week and vague. If she isn't accepted by Dad and can't let go of her past then she has a gaping hole...what the heck is that? I'm thinking big deal...all that to find out she's gong to be depressed forever. Makes your Pro sound rather week (pathetic).
    7. Take out "The completed novel is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you." Both of these statements are obvvious to an agent.

    DK

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598

    Re: Query Letter-I'm stuck. Help?

    I woould also suggest you change the MC's name. Evie sounds too much like Liv or Livie as in Liv Taylor and her father Steve - who she didn't know was her father until her teenage years.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    508

    Re: Query Letter-I'm stuck. Help?

    Adrienne,

    First kudos for completing a manuscript while studying, especially study that must keep you writing all the dern time. Also, congrats on coming up with an interesting twist on an old plot -- poor peasant girl learns she's heir to the throne.

    You've put a nice modern spin on that.

    So good story instincts. But... Your punctuation sucks. I was a reporter for a good many years so I can see that you have neither learned newspaper style nor standard publishing style. Even if you're from across the pond, you've failed to show that you can work a hyphen. Spend an hour with hyphens in your textbooks, especially compound modifiers; it's really ain't that tough.

    Post a clean version.

    While you're at it, look at the age-old tale you have and think about what gives longevity to that tale and how you can capitalize on those universal themes while bringing them into today. Hint, you didn't do that here. Delve into what makes this story significant across culture and time. Make sure that's the foundation of your plot summary and that the bling of Irish rock stars and tours shove your story into today.

    Really though, learning how to hyphenate will go a long way to learning how to think critically about plot, character, and all that business.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    689

    Re: Query Letter-I'm stuck. Help?

    CK,

    You informed us "Really though, learning how to hyphenate will go a long way to learning how to think critically about plot, character, and all that business."

    Are you serious? I'm interested to learn how learning to hyphenate will help critical thoughts about, well, as you said, "plot, character, and all that business."

    Cur

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    508

    Re: Query Letter-I'm stuck. Help?

    Smiling,

    Of course I'm serious. Forcing the part of your brain that analyzes and applies rules to work with the part that creates is very helpful. Getting better acquainted with compound modifiers brings a critical eye to how you're using modifiers in general, which helps bring a critical eye to how a character appears on the page, which brings a critical eye to how that character behaves in the plot. You could follow any number of threads, but the better we can analyze on the micro level the better we'll be able to analyze on the macro level.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts